I’ve left my partner, what now?

[Vi37]

Hi, our relationship hasn’t been great but we’ve been together for 12 years. We have a beautiful 1 and 1/2 year old little boy. Today was the final straw, an argument over a kitchen tap believe it or not. I had incredibly severe pre and post natal anxiety, I was convinced I would do something accidentally and hurt my baby like not wash things properly or cook things properly. My partners mum died at the end of last year so I’ve pandered to him, I’ve tried to ignore most things he’s said to me because I know he’s grieving, Ive let him belittle me, tell me how I’d ‘ruined the whole pregnancy for everyone and he wasn’t going to let me ruin DS’s life’. He thinks everyone is lying to him, I don’t know what about? He says no one listens to him. He has a go at me for something then laughs making it seem like a joke. He used to stand and shout at me while holding our son because his bottles weren’t being made quick enough. Today I left him and brought our son to my mum and dads. He tried to fix a tap, started telling me over and over again to go get the parts for it but I’d no idea what to get. I picked DS up to take him with me and he stood right in front of me and told me I wasn’t taking him. I told him no I wasn’t going as he was shouting at me and he just carried on telling me to go over and over. Told me to fuck off right in my face. He wants to sell the house so he said we’d live there til it was sold, I told him I wasn’t living with him and told him to pack his bags, he told me that I wasn’t going to my mums and that I was staying in the house because HE SAID SO, he told me this twice. His family are very supportive towards me so are trying to sort him out however, I’m petrified he’ll somehow be allowed take our son as I know he has equal rights. I’m writing this now as I can’t sleep because I know I’ll get a call tomorrow saying he wants him for the day, I honestly feel sick the thought of letting him go. Where do I go from here regarding the house/any benefits etc. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I just don’t think I want to but have to for the sake of our son

Nope. You really don't have to talk to him if you're not ready. Your son will be fine.

and wants us to go to relate apparently
Never ever have any kind of joint counselling with an abuser.
EVER.
HE can sort himself out.
You have done nothing wrong here.
You do not need to attend relate or counselling with him.
I am surprised he's booked himself into counselling though.
That's a positive step.
But it takes abusers well over a year to sort themselves out and they should NOT be living with their 'victim' while undergoing the counselling / anger management / DA course... etc....

You would benefit from attending the Womens Aid Freedom Programme.
You will be able to read his manipulation much better and set yourself some boundaries.
You can do it on-line.

Also read the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that?
That will also help you to see what kind of abuser he is and realise that he won't change!

Re your “I don’t want to be a single parent” comment. I believe everyone is a single parent but some co parent with someone else who lives in the house!

Everyone does things in a different way and some agree to do it in the same way. The physical presence of someone is what you’d be missing. The physical presence of someone abusive is not a positive.

With someone like your ex partner, chances are he will not agree to do things in the same way, or say he will and then not. It’s bad enough with a partner who forgets but one who may actively undermine you, do things on purpose to alienate you as a parent, it is much much harder than doing it on your own.

Plus you don’t sound as if you are on your own! You have family. Parent with them if you need them.

How did he apologise? A true apology isn’t just saying sorry. He has to recognise what he did, what he is, explain how he will change and change. He has to feel true remorse and apologise to all concerned. A true apology does not have any “buts” or blame someone else. A true apology is not made because he wants something other than to change.

It seemed to be a true apology, he didn’t blame anyone but himself. He threw in his mums death but i truly believe he’s not over it, however, I just don’t know. How do you actually know if it’s being put on? Needless to say me and my son are staying at my parents for the foreseeable future. I might meet tall dark handsome millionaire in the meantime.