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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He had a go at my DD

72 replies

AlwaysSunshine81 · 25/08/2019 22:18

BF came round last night. My DD ran and thumped him (out of excitement but caught his bits) and he shouted at her and had a go at her.
I felt really awkward. Didn’t know what to say so said nothing and carried on cooking. We don’t get together very much with kids and he later told his child off. It’s just been playing on my mind

OP posts:

BlockedAndDeleted · 26/08/2019 03:23

If that is the case sara, OP should’ve intervened immediately.

Clearly OP has a different attitude to parenting and discipline to her BF which is fine.

I do think it’s really problematic that she’s labelled his actions as “having a go” at children when he clearly did no such thing.

It implies inappropriate behaviour/ aggression where there was none.

Longdistance · 26/08/2019 03:25

My dds have accidentally hit dh in the nuts before. He says it bloody painful and a sensitive area. My dds got a bollocking (excuse the term), as they don’t have those bits and wouldn’t know.
Op, I think you’re overreacting, or there’s a back story you need to tell us about...

TimeForNewStart · 26/08/2019 03:43

Sometimes my DD would laugh when being told off, it’s just a nervous reaction in some people. She has grown out of it (after some stern talkings to).

Maybe there was something in his tone of voice or body language that was off, because everything you’ve described seems OK on paper. Doesn’t mean you are wrong, sometimes there are nuances in the way people speak that we pick up on almost subconsciously.

MsDogLady · 26/08/2019 04:08

Your little daughter excitedly greeted him and inadvertently bumped his privates. He shouted, but she likely didn’t understand at first and laughed. He continued shaming her until you explained that she had hurt him and needed to apologize.

Sunshine, this man has been physically and emotionally abusive to you. Perhaps that is why you felt awkward and uncomfortable when he ‘had a go’ at your child.

In your other current thread, you express your desire that he will become more involved with your children. Why on earth would you expose your children to this aggressive bully who has put bruises on you and disrespected your boundaries? This man is dangerous!

CarolDanvers · 26/08/2019 04:36

A four year old laughing at him when he was in pain is really strange and quite worrying

FGS! No it isn't! She didn't realise what she'd done. She was upset once her Mum explained. MN is so weird at times

Windmillwhirl · 26/08/2019 05:36

She hurt him. Intentional or not, pain is pain.

I think his reaction is normal. Was he meant to laugh it off?

LiveInAHidingPlace · 26/08/2019 05:55

I don't get why laughing about pants is inappropriate but hitting someone in the balls isn't.

I know which I would rather my child was doing.

If there is nothing apart from this incident, I wouldn't think anything of it. In fact, I'd be impressed that he bothers to parent his child and set boundaries for yours, many don't bother and then wonder why their kids are such brats.

DeadSouth · 26/08/2019 05:58

@MsDogLady where’s the thread about abuse? I’ve found 3 this year that state pretty much the same as this one.. she’s wholly unenthusiastic about him.
Cannot find one about him abusing her?

Greyhound22 · 26/08/2019 06:09

It doesn't matter if it was deliberate or not. You need to teach her that she doesn't run up to people and 'thump' them OP. I say this as someone who has a 4 year old who gets overexcited - but he would be told off straight away and made to say sorry.

If you accidentally elbow someone or something do you not say sorry? Or not because you didn't mean to do it?

I would be really annoyed if I was him and you said nothing. She'll most likely get told off worse than that at school if she does it.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 26/08/2019 07:49

My SD has caught me there a few times (always accidental) and the first couple of times she laughed too - because my shout/cry seemed so over the top to her in relation to what she'd done that she thought I was playing. I get it. A similar strength 'hit' in the leg would barely get a reaction.

Blondebakingmumma · 26/08/2019 08:09

It sounds like you have over reacted. Why do you let your daughter run up to people and thump them? She should be told off if she has genuinely hurt someone and then laughed at them

LemonTT · 26/08/2019 08:11

I’m going to give a slightly different reading on this situation which may be way off based on the scant detail.

The OP is feeling uncomfortable because the whole evening highlights a stark difference in parenting and perhaps deep down she realises he sees it too. He isn’t being critical of the DD but he is showing he doesn’t agree with the OPs parenting.

The DDs act may have been careless or an accident. That is forgivable but it needs to be pointed out because she hurt someone. The boyfriend did this and was correct in doing do. However it is the DDs reaction to someone being hurt that was wrong even if she didn’t understand. I am fairly sure that the boyfriend thought the OP should have responded to this and dealt with it straight away.

The dinner table incident supports this. Both children were “behaving badly” during meal times. That was the boyfriends opinion. He decided to put a stop to it and did so with his son straight away. That he did it separately indicates he realises the parenting is different. He made a huge statement about the incompatibility of your parenting styles. One that you both really can’t ignore.

I think this may be a turning point in your relationship and this is what niggles.

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 08:17

You sound incompatible. You're the permissive parent & he is the disciplinarian. I would say in the situation you describe you're too relaxed though. As as soon as she whacked him in the nuts would have been the ideal time to pull her up & tell her to be more gentle & say sorry. The laughter was innapropriate, but it sounds like you passively stood back & watched this. It's OK when a kid hurts you to admonish them & say sharply "OUCH - NO, WE DON'T HIT".

I know you say it was an accident & kids limbs have been known to hit a nut or two, but it was a great time to reinforce the rules of gentle interaction in society. She sounds a bit too hyped up & that's how his sack got whacked in the 1st place.

prawnsword · 26/08/2019 08:19

Oh and if his kid was being rude about dirty undies at the dinner table, it would have been OK for you to say how you feel, which is "That's not very nice dinner table talk!" & redirect the kids' chatter to some other topic

NoCauseRebel · 26/08/2019 08:22

On the face of it the BF didn’t do anything wrong. However from the OP’s posting history it seems that she has been on again off again with this bloke for eighteen months or so, seeking commitment he doesn’t seem to want yet, but still uncomfortable with some of his behaviours (rough sex etc) In April they still hadn’t introduced the kids and were still seeing each other only a couple of nights a week, now they have the kids together every other weekend as well, and on top of that the OP still seems to be hung up on her ex who she has only just started divorce proceedings against.

OP tbh I don’t think you’re ready for another relationship ATM. That doesn’t make some of his described treatment of you right, but clearly you’re not in the right place at the moment to be thinking about a future with someone while you’re clearly still in love with your ex.

AuntieMarys · 26/08/2019 08:26

You come across as a bit weedy OP.
You should, as PPs have said, intervened swiftly after both incidents.

ThatCurlyGirl · 26/08/2019 10:46

Oh ffs OP I know it's usually bad form but I read your previous posts as another poster mentioned them.

Tough love time I'm afraid...

With all due respect, what the fuck are you thinking?

This man has hurt you during sex.
He's not stopped when you've told him you're in pain.
He's been angry at his workplace and punched something.
You said you are scared of him.

What on earth has possessed you to pursue a relationship with him?! Let alone one you're now bringing your children into.

I know this all sounds harsh but it feels like you need snapping out of this.

Stop focusing on the detail of issues like the one the post is about and ask yourself - is this man is really a healthy addition to you and your children's lives?

ThatCurlyGirl · 26/08/2019 10:48

Bloody hell and he's given you bruises from "playfighting" repeatedly - trying to punch and kick you.
He carries on when you tell him to stop that too.

Please get out!

You ended it before and you can do it again.

You deserve better than this wanker OP and so do your kids.

PumpkinP · 26/08/2019 12:42

Gosh well I did ask the op if there was more to it and she said no. Seems there’s a lot more to it!

pikapikachu · 26/08/2019 18:34

There's a section of You've been Framed where we are supposed to laugh at men getting hit in the balls- little kid kicks football and it lands in Dad's balls sort of thing. I think little kids can get programmed to think it's funny if they watch stuff like that on YouTube. I've seen adult men chuckling at other adult men getting their balls hurt. I'm not saying that it's ok for her to laugh. We shouldn't laugh wherever he'd been hurt.

Thornhill58 · 26/08/2019 18:52

If she hurt him even unintentionally he reacted out of pain or discomfort.
He got annoyed it happens.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 26/08/2019 21:46

I have fibromyalgia. When someone hits me unexpectedly and accidentally, or they drop something and it makes a loud noise, it feels like an assault. In that moment, it is very, very hard to control my response. It is like being hit across the face.

I can imagine being hit in the bollocks is exactly this.

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