Is he too keen? Warning sign?!

[Bitzkitz]

After a divorce I’m just getting back into dating after ten years (have been single after splitting from ex for about 18 months). I met a guy on a dating site and have been chatting daily for about 6 weeks. We met after a couple of weeks and have been having regular dates but he seems rather keen and drops hints that he hasn’t felt like this since his previous serious relationship etc and seems to want to integrate himself in my life. I on the other hand am feeling very confused. We have great chemistry and clicked from the off (shared humour, feel comfortable with him) but I’m worried that things may be moving too fast emotionally and I’m not sure I fully trust my judgement (previous relationships have been abusive and coercive). This guy is happy to go at my pace when I’ve slowed him and has not pressured me in the slightest for sex or anything but it’s the emotional intimacy that I’m struggling with and I don’t know if this is because I’m not used to this kind of thing or whether this is a warning sign that this guy is a clinger!

What’s “normal” in relationships when you are both in your mid to late thirties with kids from previous relationships? I’m so scared of falling into a trap of another unhealthy relationship 😞

For info I have two kids, he has one who he sees regularly. I have no intention of him meeting mine (unless it became serious down the line) but he has mentioned a park meet up to informally hang out while kids are around which I have said I’m not ready to do.

I have heard of something called "love bombing" could he be doing that? I'm not sure how it works but you could probably google it and see if it matches his behaviour.

Usually best to go with a gut feeling if something seems wrong early on I think.

I’ve had a google of love bombing and I’m not sure. He messages/asks if I fancy a phone call daily, he’s complementary but not excessively, hasn’t bought gifts or said he loves me, but has made comments such as he likes our chats/humour/wants to spend more time and get to know me, has come off dating app as doesn’t feel need to carry on looking at the moment (hasn’t asked me to do the same), is affectionate but had told me that is how he is....his last break up didn’t end well (he was dumped, admitted he didn’t cope well with break up). Does this sound dodgy?! I just don’t know, I’m so out of practice with dating!

I would be very wary OP. He does sound like he is love-bombing you a bit and this can come in different levels of intensity. Basically if you feel things are moving too fast, then they are.
I recently posted about ending things with a guy very similar to this. He texted quite a bit, had loads in common then we started dating. He would very quickly start saying things like 'we have a connection', 'our time together is amazing', 'I miss you'. He would tell me that he was 'soppy' so at first I just thought that was the way he was.
Sadly, he became more and more needy and my gut told me there was something off and I ended it. I have a previous thread on this if you can be bothered to search for it.
Does your DP talk about bad things that have happened to him and try to get sympathy? Does he behave slightly huffy if you don't reply to him or call him? Does he talk about himself more than finding out about you?
I don't want to assume he's the same as my ex but I would be concerned. Trust your gut.

Thanks for the responses...I’ll have a look for your thread. So far he hasn’t talked about bad things (aside briefly covering the last break up) haven’t had any huffiness or anything when not responding and asks a lot about me but I think things need to slow down.....😬

He sounds fine, but at this early stage you don't need a reason. If the relationship isn't making you happy, just break it off.

You've described nothing out of the ordinary. Honestly, some people (not you, OP) will find red flags in any relationship. What you do have is two people at different stages, neither of which are wrong, just different. If he's happy to go at your pace then stick with it. If you still feel it's too much then you always have the right to end things.

You're doing well to keep things at your pace but are you 100% sure that you actually like/fancy/want to be with him eventually? It sounds to me that you're not actually that 'into' him?

Just go at your own pace and make sure that his actions match his words. Don't feel pressured into anything and if things don't feel right to you then end it or back off.

I dated someone just like this OP. I had been in an abusive relationship beforehand and so I was wary. I ended it as I felt smothered but actually looking back I think I should have had more patience. He was intense but he just liked me and I don’t think that’s a ‘red flag’ it’s just how people are when they have feelings for someone. I would be firm with your boundaries but give him the benefit of the doubt. Love bombing for me in the past has been excessive gift buying along with huge declarations of love early on. Doesn’t see that this man is doing either of those things, I think he just likes you!

Way too early for him to be asking to meet the kids. Way too early.

I think he's keen and you're not necessarily used to direct and open guys.

However it might be useful to put some hard lines in that you can revoke later. So if he says Re kids meeting, tell him you couldn't imagine introducing the kids to anyone until at least X period in, he should stop mentioning it then and if not that's a warning sign.

Don't feel obliged to reciprocate the words about feelings.
If he's telling you how much he likes you, imagines waking up every day to your face, dying holding hands in the rocking chairs surrounded by pictures of your grand kids and that's too much, tell him kindly thst it's sweet he feels that way but you're wary of getting too carried away on what might be and feel overwhelmed he has it all planned out.

If he's the right guy, he'll listen to you

Look up anxious attachment style which is often at the root of neediness

Thank you for the advice...it’s so hard to determine what’s ok when the relationships I’ve had have been so emotionally and physically dysfunctional/damaging. I do really like him (get butterflies when I’m with him, he makes me laugh) but I’m so scared of repeating the past and definitely not used to a man being upfront and open like this.

If he's really into you he will accept your boundaries. If you don't feel comfortable with the meet up, and say no, I guess he will show his true colours.
From what you describe, he sounds like he is quite controlling telling you he thinks you are 'meant to be', in such early stages.
I would set boundaries now before it ends in tears.....

What's his reaction when you say no to him?

I'm just boggled that as a father himself, he'd suggest meeting your dc after 6 weeks.

If wanting to meet kids this early isn't a red flat then I don't know what is.

*flag

Too much. Too fast.
Too interested in your children.

There's a few red flags, one being that he spends a lot of time telling you that you are compatible, and less time talking about stuff.

Lol. Mumsnet bingo....love bombing....narcissist....'look at his phone but if he looks at yours he's abusive'....he sounds nice but you are right to take it slow because that is what you want to do. You don't have to justify that. Maybe you are just lovely and he really likes you!!! My husband of 21 years was super keen. He was also respectful. That's the key, surely!!

I often wonder if men (or women) suggest meeting the kids as early as possible because then they have more control - its harder to break things off when the kids are then involved.

Possibly. But maybe they just don't think it through. But OP is thinking it through....it is less worrying as long as he is fully accepting of taking it slow

He sounds OK to me, but if you’re not comfortable with how he’s being (as evidenced by your need to ask us) it may be the case that whilst there’s nothing wrong with him, this still isn’t the right relationship for you?

Predator. He wants to 'integrate into your life' after talking for 6 weeks? And wants to meet your children straight away? Immediate thought: predator, possible paedophile.

Thanks for all the input. He had suggested a park meet up as a play date with all kids (his too) as my ex doesn’t see the kids so my alone time is restricted. I told him that I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it unless the relationship was serious further down the line and he was accepting of that (hasn’t pushed the issue).

He seems to be ok with going at my pace so I guess I will take the advice of take it slow and see what happens. If he becomes pushy or jealous etc then I know to get out. Thank you all for being a soundboard, i appreciate the responses.