Why does being nice = I owe them more?

[Shutupseaguls]

I've name changed for this one as it may be outing.

I am not good at reading social situations and honestly never feel attraction to anyone so probably don't notice signs (a family member once told me someone could be standing holding a sign saying they fancied me and I wouldn't even notice).

Anyway back story I have had two relationships in my life and the second was for a long time. He was a longterm friend and offered help when I broke up with my first partner. I was a single mom of one and he used to come and hang round we would go out for days etc then he started making me feel bad like I owed him more etc. He ground me down with all the "I can't believe your stringing me along" but then turn back to being nice. I am a people pleaser which I know isn't a good thing and eventually I just gave in. It sounds so stupid looking back but he had a way of making me give in and we had 2 more children. I swear if I hadn't been sterilised (which really pissed him off) I would still be having them. He also never took no for an answer and isolated me from the world until I got the strength to get a job and finally left.

I still feel an idiot for putting up with it all I don't know why I did. He did used to use the kids to stop me leaving and it now turns out he is abusive to them too so I now parent completely on my own.

Back to now I'm 2yrs free happily doing very un exciting things and just being nice to people trying to make friends as I lost so many. There is a guy who works at my dc school who I talk to every day about school stuff at drop off and pick up. His dc also attend a group with mine and as they don't drive I give the dcs lifts if needs be. I give other people's kids lifts too if they need help so not just his.

Over the holidays we be went to the park and they were there kids played happily and we had a chat. Before we left he said "we are coming here again next week pop down if your about so the kids can play" turned out that day we were free so went there kids played again. Then I start getting texts asking how I am so I just reply fine you. Nothing interesting and they suddenly turn to him telling me he wants someone to love him and his kids and want to go out I said no I'm happy as I am. He says I guess you just want to be "friends" then you really shouldn't mess with people like this.

It's completely thrown me and made me feel sick as it feels exactly like my last relationship. I don't know what I've done wrong as I was just acting how I would with anyone and now school is just going to be weird.

It’s very hard to tell because of course we can’t see the conversation/how you are in real life. Not saying you’re doing anything purposefully at all. Just can’t pinpoint what might be happening

I just chat about dull stuff like kids and work that's it nothing personal I couldn't tell you a thing about him. My ex had never gone out with anyone and had odd views about women and this guy's been a single dad for a long time not sure if that's relevant.

This is precisely why I have never had a genuine male friend.

I’m sorry this is happening to you, I’ve had similar and it’s not nice.

The only thing you have to remember is it’s 100% his problem and he is the one in the wrong. He’s chancing his luck and now emotionally blackmailing you because you haven’t fell for it. Be cold and distant but polite from now on. Don’t try and justify yourself and ignore his messages. You have done nothing you, you owe him nothing!

Have you done the freedom programme with woman’s aid? I think you can do it online for £10 ish.

@Shutupseaguls sorry didn’t mean to imply it was your fault in anyway. Just that if you were looking for the particular thing that might have caused him to say something.

Anyway I’m sorry you going through this. Agree with above. Just ignore. You don’t owe him anything

It's not you.
Men are only after one thing.
Just be more careful about men who are being "friendly". (i.e avoid unless you want to shag them).

No I haven't I sometimes think I should as I think my need to please people isn't healthy.

This isn't the first time this has happened either it's like I have a sign on my head or something. I really don't want another relationship with anyone. I need to learn to just be me as this is the first time I've been on my own since being an adult. Plus after years of being made to have sex the idea of ever being near another person repulses me.

@Choice4567 you didnt. It's fine maybe I do give out signals but I tend to just go about life in my own little bubble not noticing things .

He’s pushing at social boundaries, why would you doing casual things together with your children suggest you are interested in him as a romantic partner? He’s looking at you the way you’d look for an employee, he’s almost done a job search for a ‘free housekeeper/nanny with sex thrown in’. It’s not you at fault, it’s him. He’s being a jerk.

He's being an idiot. 'Signals' could mean anything in his head and you're not a mind reader. It doesn't sound like you treated him any different than you would treat a female friend.
You will have to just be cold and distant.

Don't listen to him OP. There are some men around that take anything more than curt civility as a sign that you fancy them and are longing to get into their pants.

I've had it so many times myself that I can barely bring myself to be friendly with any men these days.

Please do not feel bad. You have done nothing wrong. He is the one that has misread your friendliness as being something more.

Bitchpeas (autocorrect wants butch peasant for that ) has summed up better than me and I'd react exactly as they say.

From what you've written, OP, you haven't been anything more than polite and friendly, like you might be to any parent with kids of a similar age that you see quite a lot. He's misread the 'signals' (there weren't any) and is angry about it.

Your instincts were spot on and I think the only thing I'd do is reply 'you're right, I do only want to be friends. Sorry if that isn't what you want' and then basically cut him out of your life.

I have lots of male friends and I certainly don't think they're all after one thing, but I do think it would be worth you doing the Freedom Programme and looking at whether your instinct to please is making you vulnerable to these kinds of people. Although it was a guy in this case, I wonder if you have had one-sided friendships with women in the past as well, where the other person has taken advantage of your good nature?

Either way, you've done the right thing and asserted yourself and your own wishes, which a great step in the right direction.

I wouldn't overanalyse this tbh, it's really not your fault. Men don't want to be just friends with women ime and they will assume you don't want to just be friends either. It's sad but if you want a friend, find a woman, because men will assume -any civil conversation is leading to sex.

I personally think men can't be friends with women unless they are their mother or sister. I tried to friends with a man a long time ago his name was Joe but he wanted more and couldn't give him anymore at that point in my life because he was married with 2 small children. Now I feel differently but it is too late because he has moved on and I wish him every happiness with his new lady friend.

to be friends

Right. I had (and have) lots of male friends; however some men are profoundly entitled and think it's all about them when it's clearly not about them and you are just being civil. As pp have said it's THEIR problem and they have created notions such the "tease" and putting the blame on the woman they fancy in an unrequited way rather then admitting that it's their fault. It is one of the most disturbing aspects of toxic masculinity.

I think we've all been there at some point tbh. I know I have.

Someone gave me the advice to constantly greet a guy with hey mate or hi buddy and then litter conversations with cheers pal and the alike. It sounds silly but it actually has worked and when it hasn't it's easier to wiggle out the situation because the guy will start off by saying

"I know you only see me as a friend but.. "

and then I can lead the conversation by saying

"yes i do see you as i friend and i really value our friendship."

And when they say

"I want more than that"

I can say tough cookie, I value our friendship, why have you made it weird, lets just be friends, etc etc.

My friends are all men with strong mums, or sisters, or fathers of daughters. Men with a strong female input in their lives who are able to deal with womanhood. They make good friends and it's interesting to see the world through their eyes. There is a lot of pressure that this society throws on boys/men (although there's no denying that women are definitely the oppressed sex!).

remember this clip from When Harry Met Sally

I've never seen that film but starting to think that might sadly be true.

I don't think genuine platonic friendships are very rare. They do seem to happen occasionally but most of the time he's just looking for a shag. You've done nothing wrong OP but just be careful of letting men in your life.

Ok, this is very interesting.
My DD made this observation while we were on holiday.
We had a villa with a pool, about 8 apartments. I spent a lot of time by the pool waiting for my teenager to wake up. So I talked to everybody that felt like talking.
DD made a couple of observations. She said she’s in awe of how easy I strike a convo with people, that I’ll just chat to anybody about anything. But what she found interesting was to see the difference in reaction between women and men.
The women took my friendliness for what it was.
The men took it ‘personally’ and acted as though I was interested in them and tried to be a bit more ‘friendly’.

DD’s observation came unprompted. What she said was that I am equally friendly to men and women and children, but that men see this woman who is put together nicely, confident, at ease with the world and they think: she must be after me since she’s bothering with me.
And she was questioning why is that. The subject of conversation was the same with both men and women. I did not flirt, I was just having normal chats about boat trips or what have you, with their wives there. I’m your average mid 40’s mum and I’m definitely not looking for a man. And 500% sure I was not flirting, I was just smiling and being pleasant.

OP, I don’t think it’s you leading them on. I think it’s them. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Eurgh. Male entitlement. 🙄

OP you have done nothing wrong and you don't have a sign on your head. We have ALL been there. I think perhaps you are just sensitive to this behaviour. If a guy said that to me I would tell him where to go and forget about it. You seem to be taking it personally. Please don't.

I guess you just want to be "friends" then you really shouldn't mess with people like this

What a nobber.

He’s a total ‘friendzone‘ mysoginist. He thinks if he is nice to you you OWE him a fuck. And then gets shitty when you don’t pay up. Because that’s your sole purpose as a Woman.

Im a fucker. Id TXT back

‘omg, mate, im GAY. Can’t believe you didn’t work that out 🤣🤣🤣
Literally EVERYONE else works it out rightaway... You thought I fancied you.. awwww how cute🤣🤣🤣🤣‘