Advice on 8 month relationship

[Hueandcry]

Been seeing a guy I met online for about 8 months. We broke up for about a month early on as he had a major health scare but got back together & everything was fine. We get on great, have fun & great sex so that's all good. We're both in our 50s & I've been on my own a long time so I'm not sure what to expect but I'm wondering about a few things. He's very private & I understand that but we were together a few weeks ago & met a work colleague of his. He didn't introduce me but said later if the colleague asked he would say I was his cousin. I was quite hurt by this. We both have kids, he's met mine (teenagers) but I haven't met his although they know about me. He's been talking about their plans for holidays next year & I'm not included. I don't really feel he sees me as a long term partner but not sure whether to wait & see or cut my losses now

Pretend you were his cousin? I smell a wife shaped rat op. Not good.

Early days are so difficult but the cousin comment is loud and clear. Cousin?! Is he ashamed of you? Trying to hide you??

Perhaps it is time for a frank conversation about where he sees this going and an explanation of the cousin thing.

Definitely no wife. I've seen his divorce papers as he was signing them to send back to solicitor when I was with him

Have you been to his house, met any of his friends and family, been ‘tagged’ together in social media, been introduced to anyone as his girlfriend/partner, etc?

If the answer to the above is no, then he’s obviously married or in an existing relationship,

I've met his sister & one of his friends. We're not friends on social media & have never been tagged together

I've been to his house loads, definitely no other woman there

I would not be happy with the cousins thing. Why didn't you just come out and ask him why he would introduce you as a cousin. Its bizarre, especially at his age. As for the future plans, it is still early days but to not make any mention of future plans is odd and I would also wonder that he doesn't see you as a future partner. I think you need a frank conversation with him.

Yes ....as PP says, the fact that you don't feel you can ask him about the cousin reference says more to me than the cousin reference itself

Find someone you feel at ease with , someone you can talk to

I agree with others, you need to ask him about this. What kind of work does he do? I’m in a senior position in my organisation and I don’t think I’d have been that keen to introduce a - let’s be honest - fairly new partner to a random work colleague either, mainly because I wouldn’t want to be the subject of gossip.

That said, i’d Never have asked DP to pretend he was my cousin! At best, he’s handled this badly, but you need to ask him.

That's it exactly. He's in a very senior position & has said he doesn't want to be the subject of gossip at work. However I wish I had called him out on it at the time & I'm annoyed with myself but think it will seem petty bringing it up now. I think you're right about not feeling totally at ease with him, like he's somehow out of my league

For some reason he's ashamed of you and you deserve to be the number 1 in someone's life

yes I think he is, that hurts

The way I look at this is - he's being unkind imo and I would never date someone who I knew to be unkind - therefore you're way out of his league not the other way around.

You deserve someone who hasn't got his head lodged up his anal passage

It was my birthday last week & he gave me a gift card. The value isn't important but the lack of thought is.

Exactly @Hueandcry

HE is not worthy of YOU not the other way around

Bullet dodged

Phew

It's one thing to want to be low profile while it's new etc etc If he's worried about gossip/the kids etc but planning stories to tell people is another level. It's quite self absorbed too, assuming that he's sooooo interesting to everyone that they will gossip about him as a priority!

It says to me that his intention is always going to be to hide you away and deny your existence. When people want low profile and they like you more and more as time goes on they more often than not forget about being low profile and start telling anyone who will listen!

I think he is keeping his options open OP and he respects you not one bit.

Yup, bullet dodged - IF you dodge.

He is not worthy.

His telling you he would have called you his cousin is SO disrespectful - and simultaneously he tests the water. Will you accept this? Are you the woman he can throw crumbs to?

The gift card is another crumb.

Don't accept crumby.

No it's not petty to bring it up now . Just ask him and go from there (probably away !)

Was the colleague female, could he fancy her?

You must be straight with him, Hueandcry, tell him how hurtful you found the 'cousin' remark and that he is giving the impression he is ashamed of you. Then see if anything changes in his attitude. If it doesn't, you can certainly do better.

Married

Colleague was male. I've already said he's not married

I've been in a similar situation re the kids and future plans. I saw it as, for whatever reason, he didn't see a future with me. I didn't dwell on whether I was good enough, it is what it is. I ended it. He was angry and hurt but not enough to change and anyway, I wouldn't want to force someone to change.

I'd be a bit worried about the gift card for a present. At 8 months in, this is as good as it gets. He's not exactly trying hard, is he?

no you're right he isn't...