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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband wants trial separation

39 replies

peoniesfromheaven · 24/08/2019 11:03

I’m looking for a handhold please I haven’t spoken to any one in real life .
My husband and I had a massive row three weeks ago . I was full of rage and resentment after years of carrying the load, despite working full time, three kids, two with special needs. My husband can be quite shouty and curse around the children when they don’t do what they’re told . I’ve always stepped in. I realise that his relationship is now t my business but I won’t have cursing and shouting either . He says I undermine him. He leaves the house at seven and arrives home at eight , eats, sits down and either falls asleep or goes on his phone. He hardly speaks to me or the kids unless. I ask him questions .
Anyway I absolutely blew some weeks ago and it all came out . I said some terrible things in the heat of the argument . He hasn’t really spoken to me since besides the practical
Discussions re kids, house etc. I told him that o want to try to make it work . He told me he doesn’t , he wants to separate a, at least a trial . The most important thing to me right now is that our children are protected from all of this . We will live together but lead separate lives. I’m not sure the children will notice much dofferemce tbh . He will move out of the bedroom . Please advise or help or something. I’m actually in shock. He won’t do marriage counselling.

OP posts:
NeedingAdvice29 · 24/08/2019 11:05

Why would you want to stay with him?

peoniesfromheaven · 24/08/2019 11:08

Because I love him . I’m worried about my children that they will be affected really badly .

OP posts:
VLCDoingIt · 24/08/2019 11:11

It's sound slike your kids will be more affected by him being there shouting and cursing and ignoring them.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 24/08/2019 11:13

Do you really love him, or do you love the idea of him? What does he actually bring to your life?

I would go for some individual counselling. And I wouldn't agree to a 'separation' when he still lives in the house (though I'm not sure you'd actually notice the difference ) - if he wants to separate, he has to find somewhere to go.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/08/2019 11:13

Do you love him or are you confusing this with codependency?.

Why is it so important to you for this relationship to work?

I think they would be far more affected if the two of you were to stay together for your own reasons. And none of this living together but living separate lives either, you two should not be together at all now.

BEDinhalfanhour · 24/08/2019 11:13

My husband can be quite shouty and curse around the children when they don’t do what they’re told . I’ve always stepped in. I realise that his relationship is now t my business but I won’t have cursing and shouting either

They would be a lot less affected once the verbal abuse stops.

Set yourselves free.

peoniesfromheaven · 24/08/2019 11:14

Yes I see that aswell. I’m so so sad. What do I do. Do I talk to someone to get
My
Thoughts on order? He can be so loving and caring to them but has no patience . He is so so quiet and deep, as a person. It’s hard to know what’s going on in his mind . He says he doesn’t know if he loves me .he believes o don’t love him. I’m just full of resentment really

OP posts:
ravenmum · 24/08/2019 11:17

Has he always been so unresponsive?

My initial response when it was clear my marriage was falling apart was also that it was a bad thing. But looking back now, years later I am almost embarrassed that I wanted to stay with my exh. I have no idea why I wanted to. By the sound of it, your life is quite similar to what mine was. Hard work and all the lonelier for being constantly reminded that there was someone there who was meant to be my partner.

If he won't go to marriage counselling then I'd prepare for this not to be a trial. But whichever way it goes, this is not the end of the world. It could be the beginning.

ravenmum · 24/08/2019 11:19

Also agree about you getting counselling, and him leaving the house. Having the other person in the house with you is unbelievably stressful.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 24/08/2019 11:33

He can be so loving and caring to them but has no patience .

Those two things together make no sense. He is not loving and caring if he has no patience. He is completely disengaged from them and you.

He is so so quiet and deep, as a person. It’s hard to know what’s going on in his mind .

Is he really quiet and deep, or is he completely disengaged? Has he checked out of your relationship?

He says he doesn’t know if he loves me .he believes o don’t love him.

I know it's hard, but if someone tells you they don't love you, you have to believe them my darling. He's not showing you any evidence to the contrary, he's not sending you mixed messages. He's behaving like a man who doesn't love his partner.

I’m just full of resentment really

I don't blame you.

I'm sorry, that all sounds super-harsh. But there's a chance he's actually being very brave here because from what you say, this relationship isn't serving either of you.

BraveGoldie · 24/08/2019 11:37

Op it must be so so hard trying to absorb all this. It sounds like you have been in a 'holding pattern' which has not been pleasant but has felt reasonably stable until the big explosion a few weeks ago.

I agree with the other posters that life will probably be better for the kids if you are out of an unhappy marriage. We tend to assume staying together is best for kids, but being in a loving, calm environment, with a parent who is happy is really the best. There are huge challenges for kids through a divorce, but if it comes to that, you can protect them. And it does sound like if he hardly talks to them and/ or is unpleasant when he does, then they may feel an immediate improvement in their environment. It is possible that when your husband is away from the house and has recovered from whatever unhappiness has built up through the marriage, he may bring a more conscious 'best self' to when he does see the kids. We can hope.

It sounds like you have had a long, grueling time without much chance to express yourself.... I think some individual counseling would be a great idea- you deserve that time to pause and think/ feel your way through this...

poolblack · 24/08/2019 11:49

I would be glad to see the back of him tbh. He sounds horrible. I know it's a lot to take in and it probably doesn't feel like it right now but this is the best thing for you and your kids. Put yourself up in a higher position. He thinks he is calling all the shots and you will be begging him to change his mind. Tell him it's for the best and you are glad he has made that choice.

I'm not a fan of 'trial separation' anyway, it's just so the partner who called it can dip their toes and see if the gras is greener. Don't give him the option of making you his second best, his fall back plan.

peoniesfromheaven · 24/08/2019 11:49

Thanks so
Much to each of you. I’m here in the bathroom hiding from my kids and the tears won’t stop coming . My heart is broken . He brings nothing to us really , maybe a kindness and a tenderness when i am
Unwell .he is either asleep or on his phone in the evening and is reluctant to spend time
Bringing children to bed . They are a nuisance to him but he adores our girl
Woth asd . He’s never engaged really. Never asks how my day went or anything about the kids really. But that’s always been the way he is

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 24/08/2019 11:52

You can't have a trial separation and live in the same house. What on earth would that involve? Could he go out and bring a woman home? Could you bring someone home?

If he wants a trial separation (and I'd be opening the champagne at the prospect) then he has to bugger off and live somewhere else.

stucknoue · 24/08/2019 12:02

You sound quite similar to me. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love rather than him if I'm honest - wanting to protect the children doesn't mean putting up with a man behaving like that. Get practical sort out finances etc, confide in a friend (who is non judgemental and can keep secrets) and realise that 6 months later you will be like me and wondering why you didn't do it 10 years earlier. My sn dd is struggling a bit, but it's amazing how flexible they are

peoniesfromheaven · 24/08/2019 12:29

I have been lonely for years . I feel like I’m so full of Resentment towards him. Work always came first, the daily drudge fell entirely on me . I can’t stop crying. Will
I ever feel better .im
Worried I’m
Damaging my kids. We have t spoken properly in three weeks and they haven’t even noticed and I really haven’t missed him as there’s nothing to miss I suppose . Still, I’m terribly sad

OP posts:
HaileySherman · 24/08/2019 12:29

I'm so sorry OP. It's hard under the best circumstances. The pressure you're under with all you take on is enormous. He doesn't exactly sound like prince charming though. I understand you're afraid, but is it possible that you're more afraid than anything else? The children would probably benefit being away from a shouty, swearing and impatient parent, if you can hold it together. Just removing that stress from your household may be a great relief if you allow it to be. I think you should readily agree to it instead of fighting it. Ultimately you can't stop him leaving and as it currently stands you're giving him all the power emotionally. You'll be ok, better even if you just allow yourself to be. Flowers I've been there in my relationship, so I know I was scared and worried for the children. Mine aren't SN so I don't even know how much scarier that may make it, but don't let fear dictate things for you.

Musti · 24/08/2019 12:35

He sounds like a lazy, entitled prat who is quite happy to leave everything to you. What is the point of him? Split and live in different houses so you don't have to walk on eggshells and can move on. Let him look after his children when it's his days to have them whilst you get some time out and fun.

seawave71 · 24/08/2019 12:48

You can’t have a trial separation in the same house. It just wouldn’t work.

Everyone wants their marriage to work (well every woman certainly) and a lot just don’t in the end. The kids come along, people change and you get this apathy that eats away at you over time. He probably isn’t happy, you are not happy. This won’t resolve itself.

If you don’t want to give up on it totally, have a frank discussion and tell him that a trial separation in the same house won’t work and that if he does actually want that then he needs to find somewhere to live for a while. You can then take it from there.

Loubuz · 24/08/2019 12:59

Trial separation but he has to move out, that's what happens

Thornhill58 · 24/08/2019 13:27

It doesn't sounds like he adds to the good atmosphere of the house.
He is at work most of the time and then does very little at home.
His life will be much better if he doesn't have to come back to a house full of kids and a resentful wife.
Give separation a try you may find things calmer at home and you may feel happier in the long run.
He can have the kids and you can have a break at least once a week.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 24/08/2019 13:29

Tell him to move out.
He's sounds like a right turd and you'd be better off without him.
He's a shite dad too.

peoniesfromheaven · 24/08/2019 15:08

I really can’t believe that this has happened but you are right I’m taking back my power . He has turned into some sort of victim . He doesn’t love me anymore because I am negative towards him .
How does separation work ? What are the practicalities ? Access/ maintenance / houses .

OP posts:
peoniesfromheaven · 24/08/2019 15:34

Anyone please?

OP posts:
Drabarni · 24/08/2019 15:41

How can you love somebody who isn't a part of your family.
He isn't a father or husband and you have practically told him he can treat you like this.
Waste of time losing your temper and arguing with him when you aren't prepared to kick his sorry ass out.