AIBU - feel like relationship has taken back seat

[Londongirl07]

Morning all,

I need to vent, I’ve been up since 6am this morning, thinking and in tears.

I’ve been with my partner 3 years. We did not live together however he would stay over at mine 5 nights a week, we would eat together 5 nights a week and 2 out of those 5 we had no children around. (The other 2 he had his kids but no space here for all kids). So it was almost as if we were living together and it worked well and I loved it.

Anyway, 2 months ago his father passed away, he’s now since spent every single night at his parents house, eating there every single day and only coming to see me from about 7-10pm so hardly any time together. He is the only child so I understand he wants to be there for his mum however he cannot put his life on hold too. He’s 40 years old. He has to get on with things too.

I know must sound so selfish but I miss us and I miss what we had. We spend no time alone. When I don’t have my kids I have to go stay with him at his parents house as if we are teenagers when I have my own home!!! I miss waking up to someone, I miss having dinner with my partner and I miss being alone with him, not at his parents house where it’s me him and his mum.

His mum is lovely do not get me wrong she’s not a bad person, but it’s healthy that we can that alone time.

Like I said I don’t want to be unreasonable or come across selfish, but I just feel he has to get on with him normal life and not feel he has to stay 24/7 with his mum.

I feel as if there will be no future in this relationship and it’s as if he is going to dedicate to rest of his life to his mum? I don’t know maybe I’m over exaggerating. I know it’s only been 2 months but from when you are with someone almost all week to barely anytime it’s hard.

I have to vent here because I have no one else to talk to about this.

Not sure what to do...if I should say something? What do I say!?

Like I said I’m in no way trying to be unreasonable and I get his father passing is hard but this relationship can’t suffer either 🙁

I think you're being too full on and catastrophising - it has only been 2 months for a huge change for both him and his mum - they're leaning on each other.

Have you talked to him about it? Tell him you miss him / miss the time alone together. Don't make any demands, but see where the conversation goes from there. He could start by having dinner with you once a week or something? Give them time, losing a parent is so raw

@underthebridgedowntown I do get it and I know I’m probably being over the top but I can’t help but feel lonely.

Just don’t know how to start the conversation without it seeming like I’m being selfish...I just feel he needs to balance things a little better.

Had this happened say 5/6 years ago when he was married and living in the family home he wouldn’t have up and left them. I get we weren't officially living together but it was as good as. I just don’t want this relationship to take the back seat and just not move forward.

I really do feel I’m being dramatic here but like I said I can’t talk to anyone else about this, our relationship was complicated at the beginning where i was accused of leaving my husband for him which WAS NOT the case and people want to blame me for the break down of my marriage (they don’t seem to realise he exh is a complete narcissist) and I’m just scared people will be like well we told you so, this relationship won’t go anywhere bla bla Bla.

I just want the normal relationship of living with my partner, moving forward in life and what not. I just miss him and us 🙁

Two months?! Get over yourself, you sound so needy and self centred.

You sound very selfish. He’s just lost his father and he’s being a good son being there for his mother. I would hope my son was allowed to spend time with me if the worst was to happen!

I don't think you need to 'get over yourself' at all! You are in a committed relationship and deserve better than this. It's time for a chat and to see how he sees your relationship. His mother HAS to feel lonely, its part of the process. After a while she will hopefully stop feeling lonely, even if she is alone. But SHE has to navigate that process, and her son needs to begin the disengagement process. He can't FIX this, her husband has died, its not fixable. She has to go through the mourning process and a few evenings on her own is a small part of it. This extreme closeness is an attempt to avoid dealing with the reality of his father's death.

I didn’t come here to be slated...like I
Mentioned I know I’m probably being over the top but I can’t help but feel lonely..god forbid you ever feel a certain way. I’ve come here to just get advice not have people be so bloody rude...no one is saying he can’t be with his mother but at the end of it he has a life too that needs to go on he cannot dedicate the next 20/30 years to her. What is he going to achieve?

Yes I’m being needy at the moment because I’m just not getting the time in the relationship...

@HypatiaCade - thanks for that, I wouldn’t know what to say or start the convo. I know it’s still raw being 2 months and don’t want to come across horrible. It is hard and doesn’t help with the other posters slating

@pretendapony I would hope you wouldn’t be selfish enough to take your son away from living his life? I am not stopping him from being with his mum, yes he should be around for her too but it doesn’t need to be 24/7 and what I’m staying is that I would like some time just us 2 alone too.

@Orangepear yes I am a little needy at this moment in time, from going from spending the nights together for the past 3 years to nothing now or some time alone - it’s difficult, we are only human and have needs.

It's a massive adjustment for his mum. She probably hasn't been alone for over 40 years and your partner is clearly concerned about that.

Two months of grieving when his parents spent a lifetime together in the grand scheme of things isn't a long time.

If you push him right now around this you could find that you lose him. His mum is his priority and will be for the foreseeable future.

I know a number of sons in these situations who have ended up moving their mother into their homes long-term.

His mother HAS to feel lonely, its part of the process.

I don't think being abandoned by your close family while grieving is part of any process I would want to go through.

He just lost his dad, he is grieving himself and trying to help his mum. He is still making time for OP (3 hours a night), just less than before at the moment because he has had a major family bereavement.

OP needs to be there for him, how about eating together with his mum when they don't have kids? If you push him now he will quite rightly judge you for being selfish and likely walk away.

Would you really want to be with a man who just abandons his grieving elderly mum just to lend time with his gf only 2 months after his own father died?

You are getting criticism because you are displaying a massive lack of empathy. That would be pointed out to be a major red flag to any woman on here if you were male.

Totally get what the both of you above are both saying...I really don’t want to push him and won’t.

Don’t want him to abandon anyone that’s not the case at all.

But even it it was just one night alone I would be happy. Just to have some sort of balance.

I can’t imagine what they’re going through or how it is to lose a parent so I am probably being insensitive and I do not mean to in anyway! I am being a little selfish I do get that, but I just miss things that’s all it is.

I have been there from day one since the passing and I have been so supportive for the both of them; I am not a horrible person, I promise that.

Ask him whether he would mind if you cooked him a nice meal one of the two nights you're without the kids as you want to make a fuss of him, because you can see how hard he's working to juggle everything.
See how he responds
If he says it's too soon for him to leave his mum overnight, you'll know where things stand for him right now.

@SLR1982 thank you - that does seem like a good idea! Appreciate it x

You know how lonely you are feeling without your partner?

That's how his mum is feeling right now.

Cut her a bit of slack, and him too. Concentrate on doing all the things that you enjoy doing when you are alone or just with your kids, appreciate having him when he's there. Hopefully he will gradually move back to life being how it was before as his mum gets used to life on her own.

@Zaphodsotherhead thanks for the response. I know and I do think that she must be lonely too. I just have to give it time I do know that. But doesn’t mean it isn’t hard too and I can get in to my emotions and I think it’s one of those days.

Good communication and some understanding is key in a relationship..you should support him but ask him when he plans to come over again. It's early days but I bet his mum will want her own space and want her son to get on with life. They are is probably not just supporting eachother emotionaly but there is a lot of other stuff to sort after the death of a loved one and he is trying to make the transition more smooth as he can for her.

@Mumtotwo82 she’s not a selfish woman at all and I know she wouldn’t want him to be at a stand still, she’s a strong woman and gets on with things, I think he obviously feels obliged to be around because he is the only child, but I’m hoping with time she will tell him enough is enough get on with things now.

I’m also finding now he’s become addicted in the evening to playing on his PS4 and I think that’s another reason he goes home, he says he’s going to go bed early but I know that’s not the case, he doesn’t go home to sit with her, he goes home and stays in his room on the PS and that’s not healthy either. I know it was to distract him at the beginning but he’s now on it till late and he was the type to make sure he was in bed by 11 every night...

We are due to go away next month so I might save the conversation to then and just talk about it with him; see what the foreseeable future is etc.

I think to be honest he sounds absolutely lovely for taking such good care of his mum for 8 weeks when she will be broken by losing her husband. Say they were together that's 420 weeks.

I get that you're feeling lonely but just think, you miss time with him when he's been with you three years and less available for two months.

Imagine how much his mum misses someone she's been with for probably ten times as long, and he isn't coming back. Ever.

I think this is one of those times where your thoughts are understandable to an extent but in the grander scheme of things it's a sign of your partners caring nature and family values.

Sorry was meant to say if they've been together 35 years that's 420 months

It's sounds like it's possible he is falling into habit but it's still early days. I wouldn't be afraid to talk to him though. If you word it and maybe say it at a good time that you miss him and your evenings together but can understand it's hard time and want to support him and his mum. There is nothing wrong in telling him how you feel. Have a chats with his mum and support her too it might being you all closer together and make your relationship stronger. I'm sure it won't go on that long now.

I lost my mother unexpectedly in January and I'm only now starting to feel normal. If someone said to me 2 months after my mum passed away that I need to get on with my normal life I would've stopped contact with that person. That is such an awful thing to say to someone who is grieving. You won't know what it's like to lose a parent if you haven't gone through that

Also I lived with my then partner and ds in another city but moved to live with my dad (with ds). My brother and sister also live near. My ex was an awful person though, he didn't support me at all.
We still live here and are not planning to move. My ds loves his granddad and vice versa

@Mudcakemaniac I'm so sorry to hear that, I haven't been through it yet and absolutely dread it

OP maybe you could offer to take his mum out for a day or even a few hours if she isn't up to a whole day yet - to do something nice together. You don't have to be disconnected to all of this, you can try to help and be supportive.

She could be your mother in law in the long term and you could develop a really lovely bond - please do understand that at the moment her needs are priority for him because he's obviously a family man.

@ThatCurlyGirl thanks for your messages; I have a great relationship with his mum, even before the passing of her husband I would pass by have a cup of tea with her; took her shopping; would go over once a week for dinner. Understandably she’s not ready at the moment to do anything when I have tried to suggest something and I don’t blame her. I know with time she will be back on her feet and hopefully my partner won’t feel he has to be there 24/7.

I have been trying to hard to support the both of them, I helped with the funeral arrangements, the department of working pensions, the land registry, etc so I have been really trying to be involved and help as much as I can. She’s a lovely woman and makes me feel so welcome being there when I stay with my partner.

Totally understand her needs are a priority right now, like I said I can’t imagine how she feels, if I’m feeling lonely after less time with my partner for 2 months how she must be feeling can’t compare, I get it. I think I am just scared that this is going to be like this forever and have to remember it is a temporary thing.

@Mudcakemaniac I don’t want him to think I’m trying to say get over anything - I am fortunate enough to still have both parents so I cannot begin to imagine what him or you are going through. It must be heart wrenching and so so difficult But we have to get on with things that’s reality and I know it’s easy for me to say not being in your situation so please do not think I’m being insensitive and my heart goes out to you too for your loss and I hope you find peace and strength