AIBU - feel like relationship has taken back seat

[Londongirl07]

Morning all,

I need to vent, I’ve been up since 6am this morning, thinking and in tears.

I’ve been with my partner 3 years. We did not live together however he would stay over at mine 5 nights a week, we would eat together 5 nights a week and 2 out of those 5 we had no children around. (The other 2 he had his kids but no space here for all kids). So it was almost as if we were living together and it worked well and I loved it.

Anyway, 2 months ago his father passed away, he’s now since spent every single night at his parents house, eating there every single day and only coming to see me from about 7-10pm so hardly any time together. He is the only child so I understand he wants to be there for his mum however he cannot put his life on hold too. He’s 40 years old. He has to get on with things too.

I know must sound so selfish but I miss us and I miss what we had. We spend no time alone. When I don’t have my kids I have to go stay with him at his parents house as if we are teenagers when I have my own home!!! I miss waking up to someone, I miss having dinner with my partner and I miss being alone with him, not at his parents house where it’s me him and his mum.

His mum is lovely do not get me wrong she’s not a bad person, but it’s healthy that we can that alone time.

Like I said I don’t want to be unreasonable or come across selfish, but I just feel he has to get on with him normal life and not feel he has to stay 24/7 with his mum.

I feel as if there will be no future in this relationship and it’s as if he is going to dedicate to rest of his life to his mum? I don’t know maybe I’m over exaggerating. I know it’s only been 2 months but from when you are with someone almost all week to barely anytime it’s hard.

I have to vent here because I have no one else to talk to about this.

Ah @Londongirl07 you sound lovely. I think keep doing what you're doing - being there for them at the moment, it's still so soon.

It's so nice you've gotten close to her before and I'm sure she won't forget that when she's out of this worst, awful phase of grief.

You and your other half both sound really lovely, try to take a step back in your head and think if you believe you'll be with him in the long term this period where he's less available won't seem as long AND will make you love him even more for being such a great son because it's proof of how much he is prepared to be there for people he loves, like you

All I can think is lucky you, you clearly haven’t lost a truly loved one yet! He needs his Mum and she needs him, it’s only been two months!!! It devastates. It hurts so, so much. You should be proud you are with somebody decent and loving who is committed to his loved ones rather than being jealous/paranoid/needy/ woe is me, call-it-what-you-will.
Brutal? Maybe, but death is. And he is dealing with it how it’s right for him. Stop and be grateful for what you have, seriously.

@MrsTeaspoon yes lucky me for not losing a loved one, I am very fortunate and grateful for that and I haven’t come across that I’m not. And as I have stated my heart goes out to those who have and couldn’t imagine their pain or loss.

I don’t how you have come to the conclusion that I’m Jealous or paranoid?

But sorry for having human feelings too and loving my partner. I am very very proud of him and how strong he is, it makes me love him even more thank you.

No need to sound so “brutal” or bitter, I haven’t once said he shouldn’t be mourning or that he shouldn’t be with his mum, or that he should be spending 24/7 with me. That’s not the case. I just want a little just a little alone time with him. Again sorry for my human feelings

But we have to get on with things that’s reality and I know it’s easy for me to say not being in your situation

If these are your thoughts please don’t say them to your partner. Two months is no time at all, of course his mother needs him more than you at the moment.

@CatPunsFreakMeowt I could never ever say that to him, I know it’s not right and like I said I don’t expect him to move on I’m just saying we have to get on with the new Norm the best way we all can and for the time being this is our new norm I suppose.

It’s a difficult situation. I imagine he must feel knackered running between the two of you trying to be a good son and a good partner.

It does seem a long time to stay every night with his mum though. She must be well devastated. Or perhaps it’s more that he’s devastated.

Sometimes a death makes you look at your own mortality and it can really knock you for six. Perhaps he’s regressed a bit and staying at home playing his games lets him forget the sad reality of the situation.

I think I would feel shut out if a partner spent so very much time away, and then feel guilty for thinking such a thing at such a time!

And id prob be a bit miffed although I’d try and be understanding and imagine how I would feel (I’ve spent every night alone since one of my parents sadly died and haven’t felt the need of overnight company, but I am very strong and she may not be).

If you can’t do stuff like all of you go out together for a meal, as she says she’s not ready, then I don’t know what else you could do to show her you care. Bake something for him to take home, or would that offend her, I don’t know.

As long as you’re sure that’s where he is and your relationship is strong it should be fine. But I’d be expecting this situation to end in time for your holidays. He may pull the “I can’t leave my mum” card?

@Elieza as he’s the only child I think he feels he has to step up. All their family is far away.

Us 3 went for dinner last night, this is the first time she wanted to go “out” out which was lovely and he actually stayed with me the night and we finally had a night alone. I told him i missed our time too, hopefully he will start to stay more often.

I don’t think he’ll pull the I can’t leave my mum card he’s actually saying he’s looking forward to a break.