Hey
I could do with help.
Please let me know your thoughts:
We have two small children, I'm still on maternity leave. My OH works in central London and goes out a lot with work for lunches and dinners/ drinks so he is out 2 nights a week on average . I'm slightly on the loop with his clients and colleagues when he tells me who he is with but I don't bother with too much detail. I work full time when back at work, up at 5 to be home for bath at 5 pm with the kids so they can se a parent every day, so no scope for me to go out etc as he has to with work I have to be home.
Yesterday he came back from drinks with a client at 7 pm and was upstairs wth my LO and his phone flashed "Emma" sent messages. I looked and it said "OMG I just woke up he is calling you later call me tell me what he says I'm getting pizza later so call me I'm around"
I looked above and all previous messages he sent/she sent had been deleted. I searched her name in his messages and clients had sent photos of sexual references and saying "Does this remind you of Emma?"(he is in a v male industry)
I went and asked him. I remember this girl from 2 years ago when we dated she text him when we were on holiday and I thought it inappropriate his responses to her messages at the time considering they have a past. More her than him in the messages but hey she isn't in a relationship he is. Anyway he hit the roof demanded to have his phone back. I said i can find deleted messages through back up. He refused to let me do this. He said she works at a competitor and I was over reacting and she was talking about her, she was in touch because her boss wanted to call my OH about a job and he deleted messages above bc he didn't want work to see them (they have WhatsApp on screens at work)
He then later admitted he didn't want me to retract from deleted messages above because it showed he had gone to meet a friend for drinks not colleague and he had not told me that he had left client drinks to see an old friend bc he thought I would protest and ask him to come home and she text him saying "heard you are meeting x for a drink I may join if ok" (and hen presumably she didn't go bc she went home?!)
Anyway, he did have a missed call from a random number presumably her boss. So maybe there is truth there. But he does have messages from tons of competitors that he doesn't delete so why hers ? (He said bc hers was about a job offer).
I asked him if he felt if appropriate for her to text and he said he did find it a bit uncomfortable
I love this man I love our family and dedicate my life to giving us best quality of life working round the clock to ensure kids have parent contact and I earn as much as possible. The sacrifice is my social life etc. Am I an idiot? Where do we go from here? My understanding is guilty people are defensive and angry? That's how he was. He still won't feel compassion or understanding for how I feel. He has said that he understand he shouldn't have lied about meeting his mate but he didn't want me to say no which makes me sad and mad bc actually I give him a lot of leeway and I can't just say go out every night and not complain when I'm doing 24/7 care without a walk around the block to myself ... surely it's only normal to ask he helps out a bit ?
Where do u go from here? Should I push to see the deleted messages? Or just leave it . I wish I hadn't said anything and had waited to see how their conversation played out . See if he deleted it when not at work..
Please help