Is he cheating/ am I over reacting?

[nickname7890]

Hey

I could do with help.
Please let me know your thoughts:
We have two small children, I'm still on maternity leave. My OH works in central London and goes out a lot with work for lunches and dinners/ drinks so he is out 2 nights a week on average . I'm slightly on the loop with his clients and colleagues when he tells me who he is with but I don't bother with too much detail. I work full time when back at work, up at 5 to be home for bath at 5 pm with the kids so they can se a parent every day, so no scope for me to go out etc as he has to with work I have to be home.

Yesterday he came back from drinks with a client at 7 pm and was upstairs wth my LO and his phone flashed "Emma" sent messages. I looked and it said "OMG I just woke up he is calling you later call me tell me what he says I'm getting pizza later so call me I'm around"
I looked above and all previous messages he sent/she sent had been deleted. I searched her name in his messages and clients had sent photos of sexual references and saying "Does this remind you of Emma?"(he is in a v male industry)

I went and asked him. I remember this girl from 2 years ago when we dated she text him when we were on holiday and I thought it inappropriate his responses to her messages at the time considering they have a past. More her than him in the messages but hey she isn't in a relationship he is. Anyway he hit the roof demanded to have his phone back. I said i can find deleted messages through back up. He refused to let me do this. He said she works at a competitor and I was over reacting and she was talking about her, she was in touch because her boss wanted to call my OH about a job and he deleted messages above bc he didn't want work to see them (they have WhatsApp on screens at work)
He then later admitted he didn't want me to retract from deleted messages above because it showed he had gone to meet a friend for drinks not colleague and he had not told me that he had left client drinks to see an old friend bc he thought I would protest and ask him to come home and she text him saying "heard you are meeting x for a drink I may join if ok" (and hen presumably she didn't go bc she went home?!)

Anyway, he did have a missed call from a random number presumably her boss. So maybe there is truth there. But he does have messages from tons of competitors that he doesn't delete so why hers ? (He said bc hers was about a job offer).
I asked him if he felt if appropriate for her to text and he said he did find it a bit uncomfortable

I love this man I love our family and dedicate my life to giving us best quality of life working round the clock to ensure kids have parent contact and I earn as much as possible. The sacrifice is my social life etc. Am I an idiot? Where do we go from here? My understanding is guilty people are defensive and angry? That's how he was. He still won't feel compassion or understanding for how I feel. He has said that he understand he shouldn't have lied about meeting his mate but he didn't want me to say no which makes me sad and mad bc actually I give him a lot of leeway and I can't just say go out every night and not complain when I'm doing 24/7 care without a walk around the block to myself ... surely it's only normal to ask he helps out a bit ?

Where do u go from here? Should I push to see the deleted messages? Or just leave it . I wish I hadn't said anything and had waited to see how their conversation played out . See if he deleted it when not at work..
Please help

As a pp has said, we don't know if he's having an affair or not. What I do know from what you have told us is that he sounds like a disgusting sexist pig, his clients sound the same and they should all piss off back to the 70's.

He is extremely selfish and you really need to sit down with him and put it on the line. You work, he works, you need to do 50/50 around the children however that may look. He needs to grow up and start acting like a responsible father and partner.

For today, fake it. Stick a smile on your face and resort to autopilot.

Good luck op, I hope it works out for you.

What kind of persona does he have at work where his clients feel they can make offensive jokes with him about his sex life?

Regardless of what's happened he's taking the piss and you're doing everything. What do you want out of this?

I'd insist on seeing the deleted messages tbh if he's nothing to hide them he shouldn't mind.

Thank you
He apologised this morning for lying about meeting his friend and says he undrrrstands where I was coming from
He said he will get the deleted texts for me but obvs in wondering if he can edit them or something
Anyone know how to retrieve deleted texts?
I'm trying so hard not to be angry but I am
I am furious
I can't. Stop myself slagging her off for being a slut etc which is disgusting behaviour on my part I know I just feel repulsed by it all.
I asked when he last had contact with her he said 3 weeks ago she text him to see if he was up for drinks as she was out with his colleague but he said no

Naturally now he is saying things like
We argue so much at the moment
And
You want me to be someone I'm not and I'm trying so hard with housework but I'm not good enough

Makes me feel he is justifying things somehow

My OH works in central London and goes out a lot with work for lunches and dinners/ drinks so he is out 2 nights a week on average.

I’ll stop you there. Yes he is. Ask any woman who has ever worked in this environment.

Yes he's now 'justifying' his selfish behaviour. Classic cheater's script.

DARVO
Deny
Attack
Reverse
Victim and
Offender

Personally I would have gone to the hotel lobby and said I had lost my card, together with the booking details... and let myself into the room.

He has cheated before... to me, sounds like he is cheating again and/or using hard drugs like coke.

Had this crap pulled on me. Ex abuser was going to hotels. I got to the bottom of it in the end. Took me years mind you... I thought it was an affair or some type of cheating. I think that WAS happening, but the hotel use was primarily for coke deals. Years after I found initial sign of something not being quite right (hotel keys), him asking about cheapest hotels (idiot, but then I was more of an idiot for believing him), I checked his browser history as he had not logged out and it was all there. Him checking how long cocaine stays in the body (he would have got sacked from work as they did random testing), various other odd searches that did not add up - and searches for erotic massage and sex clubs.

If it walks like a duck, it usually is.....

You have to delete whatsapp then restore to a previous date to get the messages from up to that date, I believe. Someone correct me if i'm wrong.

Sounds like he seems to think it is acceptable to talk about women a vile way. Also, if I'm following-he and Emma had something in the past? And he's still texting her and working with her? And all his vile work palls send vile texts about it? Hmm...I'd be telling him to change jobs.

The deleted texts seem suspicious too.

I think I'd be out. As for you needing space, tell him to leave for a few days. Why should you and the children have to uproot when he is the one being a suspicious sleazeball!?

I worked in the management consultancy field in London many moons ago. There were some sleazebags, all married. All looking for a quick leg over and they would start their carry-on over team dinners and drinks that inevitably led to clubs and hotels later. Many of them were on business trips from the States and elsewhere. Unbelievable how they carried on after sweet phone calls to the family back home.

But a surprisingly large number of them were married men, based in the UK, even some with wives who had worked at the same company and knew lots of people there. They tried it on with ANYONE. Once I was in a cab home with my manager as we had all been out and the last trains had gone. He brazenly grabbed one of my breasts and started rubbing it, stating my cup size!!! I was quick to remove it and put the drunken fool in his place. We were 15 minutes away from his house and when the cab pulled up at my house, he asked to come in.

There are some real scumbags in that industry and others that act like butter wouldn't melt in their bloody mouths. Only a few weeks beforehand I had met his wife and their small children! I talked to a colleague about what had happened in the cab and he had tried it on with her, too. Stunning wife and family at home, but never enough.

Thank you all

So we had a big chat. He cried. He said absolutely he is wrong for lying about meeting his mate for a drink. That he did it bc we argued a lot recently and he couldn't be bothered wth the grief I would give him abou going for the drink. He said he was interested in her joining them for a drink only bc she works at a competitor and he was interested in the job offer. I said tell her to back off he said no I'll look like an idiot in he industry I'm trying so hard to get my promotion telling a girl to back off when all she is doing is texting makes me look like a d@ck

He said I can look at he texts he deleted. Originally he said I'll get u those messages and I said no I want to take your phone and do it myself he said fine. The only incriminating thing was that he went to see a mate and mentioned that in his text to her. But he did say he text her as he had his last drink saying are you coming or not I'm heading back to the office. I guess that is when she text him back a while later saying omg I just woke up etc

She also text him again yesterday saying did u talk to my boss and saying I'm having a hot dog lol
(He responded after I kicked off about it and said to her no I haven't spoken to him in wth my family will let u know when I have spoken to him)

He keeps swearing nothing has happened he is madly in love with me he has no interest in her or anyone he will never lie about where he goes again

It's v easy to say leave. But it's a bit statement. I've set up life and he is father to or kids. I need to make sure this is something before i take action.the DARVO thing made my heart sink though bc basically that is his actions

I have worked in the city and I know men that cheat and men that don't. I also know how easy it is for them to do that and have a double life and that freaks me out

Hmm she’s still making jokes about sausages.

I KNOW

Is he seriously contemplating a working relationship at the Competitors Company ? Even in the light of this exchange of views with you ? Good grief.

Many years ago I worked in both the city and in recruitment. In recruitment we were actually encouraged to flirt/butter up / keep sweet these middle aged married guys and many do join in with gusto!! There were a lot of arses busy telling wives they worked till 8pm, some did, most didn’t, they just liked the drinks out and the banter and a lot to be honest preferred it to dealing with a couple of toddlers. I’m sorry if it’s a bit blunt but that’s how I saw it, so I take all this Fequent late working from anyone with a pinch of salt.

your message is gibberish

I'm sorry OP - this is very upsetting. I understand your husband/partner is trying to reassure you and just LTB is not that simple. However, the behaviour you have described is all very unprofessional and strange. Its not okay. He needs to understand that how he is behaving is not appropriate full stop. He needs to change.

I think in order to win your trust again he needs to commit to a number of things:

• to stop communicating with this woman
• to tell other clients/contacts to stop sending him puerile sexist texts and to explain that as he is married and a father its not appropriate
• to commit to doing at least one night a week babysitting so you get a break
• to share his phone with you on a regular basis

I'm not really sure what you see in this man. Take a long hard look and get very clear about what you deserve and should be able to expect. And get him to realise that the way he is carrying on is not appropriate or respectful. He needs to grow up fast or you should really ship out.

I think he needs to start coming home earlier and doing some actual parenting.

He is living the life of a single man while you sacrifice your social life completely and that is creating a real imbalance in your relationship.

Even if he is just flirting having fun etc. This is all at your expense because you are at home doing bath and bedtime

Its ridiculous for people to tell you to leave him! Marriage is hard work and there are ups and downs .

I personally would be disgusted by the sexist chat but you know him and can decide if this is acceptable to you.

I think you need to make bigger changes here and get him to change his working and socialising.

Btw. He is being disingenuous still. He didn't lie about meeting friends because of arguments with you. He lied because he wanted to be selfish and he knew it. He knew you are at home with no support and no social life and he knew he was being a dick.

The lying etc is all wrong and he is taking the fucking piss. However, I do think the message that you saw seems to fit what he is saying - I don't think it sounds like cheating.

My OH works in the recruitment industry and it is much like you are describing, and if someone else meets up with friends at different companies etc they all want to find out what's going on. Incestual!

Not taking away from the rest of it, he is taking the mick out of you and you deserve to be respected and treated better. However based on what you've seen I don't think it screams that he's cheating.

Is he on LinkedIn? If you really are suspicious, check those messages. A lot of people use the chat feature on it.

Thank you so much for this advice and support
I am aiming at instigating Chanfes to our set up so that he helps at least one night a week and I go out
My issue is if I go out on the one. Night he is in then we don't hang out
Similaralt if we get a nanny he feels that is fine and he doesn't need to come home and my preference is a parent does it so it ends up being me bc he doesn't feel that way- but he says that's my issue and we do have childcare (if we get a nanny) and I can go out ..
I go back to work soon and nothing really has changed
But I hope it will
My saddest realisation is it's either the children who suffer being left with a nanny more often / less parent time or me