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Original poster

Can attraction grow

33 replies

Nikki94 · 24/08/2019 07:04

Hey
So I’ll make this brief
My male best friend of 11years has recently made his romantic feelings very clear to me. I love him as a friend and I have never thought to look at him in another way because to me we are great the way we are. However, it has got me thinking.
I usually go for people who i am highly attracted to from the offset which is the reason I am single today in my opinion.
I know this guy would do anything for me and would always have my back and he makes me laugh more than anyone else and I adore loads of his qualities. I just don’t look at him in a lustful way.
My question is has anyone ever felt this way and through time the attraction grew? His personality is amazing and I hold him in such high regard but I don’t want to give things a try if it’s going to fall apart in a few months time and ruin our friendship.
X

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 24/08/2019 07:07

I think it would have happened if you’ve known him that long.
It’s one thing not being attracted to a guy first off but then over a few dates getting more into him, but 11 years? I doubt it.

TatianaLarina · 24/08/2019 07:15

Do you find him attractive at all?

I think attraction can grow in general terms but whether it can in this instance only you can know or find out.

AmIThough · 24/08/2019 07:16

If it was going to grow it would have done by now. You don't fancy him or have any romantic feelings towards him.

Don't just settle because you know he would treat you well.

Be aware that your friendship won't be the same again, regardless, now that he's made his feelings known.

dudsville · 24/08/2019 07:18

I think it depends on what you want from your life as to whether he fits the bill.

Justmuddlingalong · 24/08/2019 07:21

If you've never considered more than friendship in 11 years, I think that boat's sailed.

OhHimAgain · 24/08/2019 07:26

Could you bring yourself to have sex with him, and only him, for the rest of your life?

Could you give him a blowjob?

Are there any aspects about his personality/personal qualities/attitudes towards important things like money that are incompatible with yours?

I very much doubt that attraction would grow now if you've already been friends for 11 yrs.

allthatmalarkey · 24/08/2019 07:26

A lot of people are married/lifelong partners with this person. If there is literally nothing, then there never will be, but if there is enough to start something, bear in mind that fireworks with anyone are going to die down after 1-2 years. There are exceptions, of course. My DH wasn't a best friend, but he was a friend and to my surprise six weeks in it just worked, no drama. Wouldn't be without him now.

In a way, talking to him honestly and having a snog to see where it goes might at least give him a chance to move on if you come out the other side going 'no, you're too much like a brother'. If he's told you his feelings, there's no avoiding dealing with that.

Namenic · 24/08/2019 07:32

Probably be honest with him as it’s important he doesn’t get hurt or led on. If both of you want to give it a try (knowing the risks of someone getting hurt), then I don’t see why not - as long as you do let him know if it isn’t going to work so both of u can move on and stay friends.

bigchris · 24/08/2019 08:07

In my experience no

There was never a massive attraction with dh,I loved him more as a friend , he makes me laugh , he's solid and dependable but there's no fireworks and I struggle tbh

bigchris · 24/08/2019 08:07

*Could you bring yourself to have sex with him, and only him, for the rest of your life?

Could you give him a blowjob?*

These questions are the most important

5andunder · 24/08/2019 08:21

I think its worth a shot trying to have a relationship. Your 'friendship' has already changed with him revealing his true feelings for you. I dont think it will get back to how it was before his reveal

CloudyWithAChance2 · 24/08/2019 08:21

Really bad idea to pursue this if there’s no attraction.

I’m my experience, this sort of thing happens a lot in general - women get to a certain age or they’ve been hurt by a guy who they loved, then they settle for a nice guy who they don’t have real physical chemistry with.
It always ends in tears if you don’t have that real attraction as you’re never truly happy or fulfilled by your partner.

The moment you meet a guy who gives you butterflies etc. your head will be turned and you will hurt your friend as he won’t be able to compete.

WhyBirdStop · 24/08/2019 08:41

Is there nothing there at all? DH and I were best friends from the age of 11, even before sexual attraction (too young) there was a kind of chemistry, we just get each other and light up in each others company. After a brief dalliance (snog only) at 16 which we both embarrassedly put down to a bit too much to drink, we didn't get together until we were 25. But the first time as adults we properly kissed my heart was racing. Yes the butterflies fade amongst the chores and the nappies and it's great to be with your best friend every day, but you need an initial spark of some kind. Tellingly both of us had ex partners who didn't like our friendship because they felt the spark, even though genuinely nothing was going on.

Ohmygod123 · 24/08/2019 08:41

Maybe you've never really thought about it until now? Now he's made his feelings known, maybe it's something you might consider. But if there is no attraction there then I think you'd be better off friends unless his personality is enough?

OhHimAgain · 24/08/2019 09:07

There was never a massive attraction with dh,I loved him more as a friend , he makes me laugh , he's solid and dependable but there's no fireworks and I struggle tbh

Same here. We eventually split.

The blowjob question is one I always ask myself now if I think I'm attracted to someone. It's a pretty good barometer, if I'm honest.

stitchwitch84 · 24/08/2019 09:10

My best friend proposed to me unexpectedly last year. I loved him to bits but had never fancied him, and I was totally thrown and could not for the life of me work out whether I could ever change how I felt at the time.

Long story short, we've been married for a year now and are expecting DC1. I love him to bits, fancy the pants off him and am the happiest I’ve ever been.

Not saying this will happen for you, OP, but it can happen!

31RueCambon · 24/08/2019 09:13

I agree. When I was OLDing I didn't waste my time going on second and third dates with men who I knew I couldn't sleep with........... You just know.

31RueCambon · 24/08/2019 09:14

Although that is different as they were strangers! But with a man who is already a friend, there was time for a physical attraction to grow, and it didn't.

31RueCambon · 24/08/2019 09:16

@stitchwitch84, so what was it like - suddenly getting physical and romantic?

stitchwitch84 · 24/08/2019 09:32

@31RueCambon honestly, it's hard to say! It was strange at first, and I had several sleepless nights and foodless days as I tried to work out what I felt and whether I could ever feel anything more. The first snogs we shared were SO weird!!! Grin

I think it took 2 days to commit to the relationship, and tbh I still have no idea why I did except that I loved him (still love him!), and he had changed our relationship by confessing he was in love with me too, and it was the only way I could continue to have him in my life. Ultimately, I loved him too much to let a momentary squeamishness about physical attraction stand in the way!

I know it sounds very odd and quite old fashioned too, and I have to admit I never ever thought I would do anything so rash as say yes to a proposal from someone I wasn't sure I could fancy! But fortunately the love i feel for him overcame all that and now we are physically so much in love as well as emotionally/mentally. We started from a place of immense mutual respect and affection, which has made all the difference.

Takemebacktolondon · 24/08/2019 09:38

Just ask yourself if you want to kiss him. I have been out with guys and dreaded them trying to kiss me which says it all.

Scott72 · 24/08/2019 09:49

No, it won't work. If he's developed feelings for you this may make the relationship awkward. He may have to tone things down with you. But you have to be completely honest that you just aren't interested in him romantically or sexually.

Projectbanjo · 24/08/2019 09:55

I wasn’t attracted to my Ex and he was a great friend we were together 5 years and it was great. You can still get turned on by sex without a massive attraction there.
We broke up due to nothing to do with the lack of attraction and still remain friends 4 years later. We never argued, things we always fun and lighthearted so I’d recommend giving it a shot.

I would say though talk to him before hand and just have a feel for if he would be okay with it not working out cause your willing to try but can’t guarantee it’s for you.

BertieBotts · 24/08/2019 10:01

I am going to go against the grain and say yes it can - but I do think it has to happen fairly quickly guessing by the other responses.

I was never attracted to DH until I realised he was attracted to me and then it came on fairly slowly (but was definitely there within a couple of weeks). It was just in the period where we said OK let's just stay friends but it's nice to know that(?) and it made me see him in a different light.

BertieBotts · 24/08/2019 10:03

It has not waned, we have been together 9 years, married for 6. I can see if I have my objective eyes on that he's not the most "beautiful" person but I don't care. He's attractive to me and that's what matters.