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Original poster

Ex has cancer, handhold

33 replies

Waytooearly · 23/08/2019 16:55

Hey, just looking for a handhold really. I've been separated from ex for 1.5 years. He was a binge-drinker. We're not divorced yet.

We're still very friendly and close. Like family members. We're each dating but nothing serious yet.

He has just been diagnosed with cancer.

They think it might be to aggressive to treat.

As it happens I'm supposed to fly to my home country tomorrow for hols. He said he almost didn't tell me in light of this.

I'm not sure what I'm asking. I'm in shock.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 23/08/2019 17:09

I'm so sorry. Here for a handhold. X

MrsMozartMkII · 23/08/2019 17:12

Sorry to read of his illness. I hope there is some treatment available to him.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/08/2019 17:15

That sounds scary. Do you have anyone outside of the situation you can off load to so you can be strong for him?

Original poster
Waytooearly · 23/08/2019 17:23

I've offered to cancel trip. He's still my husband legally so I'm sure insurance will cover a cancellation if I throw around the words "husband" and "cancer" enough.

I just can't believe it.

OP posts:
Ilikethisone · 23/08/2019 18:11

Can I ask why he did tell you just before you are going away?

I dont mean to sound awful. But drinkers can often be manipulators. You are sure he has cancer, or that it's as bad you think it might be.

thedancingbear · 23/08/2019 18:15

likethisone, this might be the most offensive thing I’ve ever read on here.

Sorry for your sad news, op.

Ilikethisone · 23/08/2019 18:24

The most offensive thing, really???

It happens, alot. I find it odd that he wasnt going to tell her because of her holiday but then has done it last minute.

And why is it offensive, to ask the OP if she is sure? How am I offending her?

thedancingbear · 23/08/2019 18:31

How many people do you know have made up a fictional cancer diagnosis.

I know that the prevailing view on here is that the man is usually the bad guy, but fuck me. How would you feel if you were diagnosed with a potentially terminal illness and the people close to you refused to believe you?

Ilikethisone · 23/08/2019 18:42

I didnt tell the OP he was definitely lying and she shouldnt believe him. I asked if she was sure.

Theres been several threads on here over the years where an ex has told the OP and their kids they are dying, when they arent.

And I know 2 cases in real life. One man told his son that he needed a heart transplant. There was one available and was sitting 'on ice'for two weeks while he decided to go ahead. He wanted his son to promise to cover bills for his wife, so he could have the operation. And wanted the money OP front. Obviously hearts arent left on ice whole the recipient decided what to do.

As I said I am not saying he is definitly lying. But the OP is feeling awful considering cancelling her trip. I am just asking if she is sure.

Dripping this on someone e who is about to go on holiday, imo, isnt a particularly nice thing to do. It could have waited for her to get back, since he doesnt want her to cancel her trip. Its jot like he needs her there for something.

Shouldbedoing · 23/08/2019 18:44

It's so unthinkable to a normal person, and yet, it happens. A friend or family member may be unable to suggest caution. A stranger can. A troubled individual might stoop so low. It happens.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/08/2019 18:51

It doesn't sound like the OP is doubting the diagnosis

Shouldbedoing · 23/08/2019 18:51

Someone in my old workplace had breast cancer diagnosed. People rallied round. Then she downgraded it to 'Oh it was just a scare'. That wasn't what she had said at the start.

Original poster
Waytooearly · 23/08/2019 19:06

Cool story. Now fuck off.

OP posts:
JK1773 · 23/08/2019 19:10

OP you must feel shaken to the core by this. Sounds like you still have a positive relationship. Can you find out any more about his treatment/prognosis before you go away? That might help you decide what’s best Flowers

Original poster
Waytooearly · 23/08/2019 19:29

It's prostrate cancer. The consultant told him today that they wouldn't persue treatment unless it got very aggressive. He's seeing some other specialist next week.

I watched my brother go through surgery and chemo and die after many years in agony. I can't bear to think of my ex suffering like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waytooearly · 23/08/2019 19:30

I don't have to decide until tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 23/08/2019 19:50

I'm sorry to hear this OP

What age is your ex?

It doesn't sound like the facts are correct here. Unless he is very elderly (I'm assuming not?), they would absolutely treat prostate cancer. It's very treatable, but untreated would spread.

I think you need to get more details. I wouldn't cancel your holiday. Nothing will change immediately.

AmIThough · 23/08/2019 19:57

I'm sorry OP.
And I'm sorry about some of the ridiculous responses you've received here.

How long is your trip for? Would he like you to accompany him to see the specialist? Would you be back by then?

justasking111 · 23/08/2019 19:59

"It's prostrate cancer. The consultant told him today that they wouldn't persue treatment unless it got very aggressive. He's seeing some other specialist next week."

I am presuming he is in his 70`s if the consultant is taking that route.

With my OH and my BIL the diagnosis tests and operation went very fast. He will need care after the op for a few weeks so needs to get that organised tell him if they decide to treat it.

Original poster
Waytooearly · 23/08/2019 20:03

Yeah he's 70.

I know not much is going to happen in the next week and a half. But he shouldn't be alone now.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 23/08/2019 20:05

If you're not happy to leave him alone, cancel.
You can travel when you know more.

You won't enjoy your visit worrying about him. If he needs you, be there for him.

MyCatDrinksFlatWhites · 23/08/2019 20:05

In terms of the facts, I know someone who was diagnosed with prostate cancer in his early 60s. The medics took a watch and wait approach and for the first two years, he didn't receive any treatment - he had radiotherapy for the first time this year. If it's very early stages, this is quite possible.

Sorry for your troubles and I hope it's not as bad as it first seems.Flowers

AMAM8916 · 23/08/2019 20:08

Oh no. So he's 70 and they're basically saying they won't treat it until it makes him very uncomfortable? So does that mean it's terminal?

Not good news at all. It's totally normal for you to feel sad, shocked and maybe even a little scared? You are still good friends. Do you want to cancel your plans and be around for him?

EarringsandLipstick · 23/08/2019 20:09

OP from your update, it would appear it's not that it's 'too aggressive to treat'.

It's the opposite.

As he's 70, and as a PP has said, it's a very different proposition abc 'watch & wait' is common and means it's slow-growing and doesn't require treatment at this time.

It's good you care. But you should go on your holiday. Also, you separated for good reasons if he's a binge-drinker and I thinking keeping some emotional distance is wise.

I can imagine the very sad experience of your brother is affecting how you are responding to this, but it's honestly not the same at all.

Have your trip home.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/08/2019 20:11

No @AMAM8916 that's not it at all!

It's the nature of how prostate cancer presents in older men - it doesn't require treatment, at this point. They'll watch & see how it develops or not.