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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve had enough.

32 replies

EsmeMummy18 · 23/08/2019 16:48

This is gonna be a long rant but I have no one to talk to about it.
I’ve been with my husband for 5 years (married for 2) and we have a 1 year old daughter. Our relationship has always been up and down mostly due to him having bi polar and suffering with depression/anxiety. But ever since I got pregnant and had our baby life together has never been more strained. We also struggled because of his ex wife and daughter with her.
We spend no time together or even as a family because he is attached to his phone, if I ask him to go phones free he always flips it onto me. He looks for an issue with everything, never wants to go out even for a walk. Then says “I better go cause I won’t hear the end of it”.
I’m at a point where I can’t be bothered anymore, I know I’m not perfect but he literally looks for a reason to be annoyed with me all the time but if I get annoyed he says I’m a nag and that I give him a hard time.
He never cooks any meals, it’s always me. I can’t even ask for a cup of tea without being told I’m a nag or huffing and puffing. He does help with household things but that’s because he has OCD.
Most things in our life revolve around him and what makes him happy or what he’s happy to do. Even money - our baby doesn’t even cost that much!! He smokes but has a vape, haircut every week and buys energy drinks daily which cost anywhere from £5 up depending on how many he buys. I go months to a year without having my hair done😞

I just feel he’s very selfish and concerned with himself and I’ve had enough. I have no patience with him anymore and find myself glad when he goes to work or I leave the house. Even going to work myself makes me happy. I look at everyone else happy together in their marriages and it really gets to me. I want that and I want someone who appreciates me and to be present in our marriage. There is so much more but I’d be here for an hour typing otherwise.

Sorry for the novel, i don’t know what to do, I’m really broken by all this.

OP posts:
hopingforhappiness · 23/08/2019 16:54

Go now, whilst you only have yourself and one baby to think about.
It doesn't get better only worse. You will lose more and more self esteem and confidence as time goes by, then leaving will feel impossible.
You deserve more.

Windmillwhirl · 23/08/2019 17:04

It's time to go. Get legal advice so he can't fill your head with scenarios designed to frighten you and keep you in the relationship.

Time to be brave x

jan9876 · 23/08/2019 17:07

you could try some marriage counselling, and if that doesn't work or he turns it around to make it your fault in the counselling process, think about your future - its far less impact on yourself and the child if you left now rather than later. i left when my baby was 9 months and honestly it was easier being on my own than living with my ex.....it was hard physically, but so much easier mentally to be in a peaceful space.

something2say · 23/08/2019 17:52

Write down here what youd like to do instead. What would happen if you split.

I've always found that's like a new lease of life xx

LittleFairywren · 23/08/2019 17:54

The money situation sounds unbearable. Do you both have equal access to family money?

Original poster
EsmeMummy18 · 23/08/2019 19:17

Thank you for all the replies!
I’ve ended up having another argument with him all because I asked him to cook us dinner. I know I need to leave I just don’t have anywhere to go.
I used to really love him but now I can’t stand the sight of him. I need to do what’s best for my baby she doesn’t deserve to grow up watching all this. It breaks my heart thinking that I’m failing her by stayingSad
We have literally no money, no savings nothingSad

OP posts:
Original poster
EsmeMummy18 · 23/08/2019 19:19

I can’t go to my family because they already dislike him and I have no friends at all. I just feel so down and I’m always crying. Which only leads to more arguing because he says I’m being weak or pathetic.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/08/2019 19:30

Your family will likely be hugely relieved that you've left him and support you.

Thanks
Original poster
EsmeMummy18 · 23/08/2019 19:38

Thank you! Time to sort myself out for mine and bubbas sake!

OP posts:
Xenadog · 23/08/2019 19:43

Go to your family and let them look after you. Leave this miserable man to stew in his own misery.

SpanishTiles · 23/08/2019 19:45

Surely that's a great reason to go to family if they don't like him. They'll be thrilled you've got out. It's time to go now. I wish I'd left at this stage. Be brave and go!

31RueCambon · 23/08/2019 19:48

Can you tell your family they were right and see if they are relieved enough to let you stay with them.

I agree with others that these arseholes never get nicer.

CIareIsland · 23/08/2019 19:59

100% agree - your family will delighted. Don’t row with him. Mentally detach and plan. Don’t tell him you are leaving.

Original poster
EsmeMummy18 · 23/08/2019 20:01

My problem is I’m worried that if I let him see our daughter he will bring a new woman into her life within 5 minutes. That’s what happened with us, I was very young and naive and he manipulated me into meeting his daughter weeks into our relationship. So I want him to see our daughter but my worry is that.

OP posts:
NameChangedagain2019 · 23/08/2019 20:04

I could have written this myself. I stuck with it, things got worse to breaking point where ‘D’H got drunk to cope with his OCD and depression, alone with DD (not even 1 at the time) and when I confronted him he then tried to put a belt around his neck and I called the police and had him sectioned. I stayed even after that as he was now getting help but slowly it’s all crept back. The egg shells, the endless waiting for his OCD rituals, the wasted time and the vacant looks. Now I’m 7 months with baby number 2 and I so wish I’d left. It’s too late to go right now, but eventually if this next set of therapy doesn’t help to start sorting things I won’t have any choice. I can’t raise my daughters in an environment like this. I don’t feel heard or respected and my needs always come last. I feel exactly the same as you. Can’t turn to family as through the years they’ve grown to hate each other due to his selfishness... which I know is from his multiple MH issues, but ffs! Why should we spend our lives dictated to by someone else’s MH? Life’s too short! I looked into EA within MH and one thing hit me like a ton of bricks- if their behaviour was all MH they’d be the way they are with you with everyone in all circumstances, work, family, friends. My ‘D’H can put everyone else first, but not me. Raaaaa! Sorry- this has become a bit more of a rant than I’d intended- it’s just so difficult! I’m here for you though! Be the trail blazer! Xx

SuzieQ10 · 23/08/2019 20:06

It doesn't sound like he cares about you very much.
It will be easier to leave now and piece your life back together than a few years down the line. What's the point in staying with him, if he doesn't make you happy.

Daisy778 · 23/08/2019 20:25

What was he like before your little ones? Your situation strikes some similarities with me, however I am well and truly out the other side. I have been married for over 20years now and our little ones are not so little, one at uni and the other close to 18. My DH and I went through some incredibly challenging times through the years as our littlest ones were growing up. Everything he did frustrated me and it became a comparison between what he did v's me, talking with friends it appeared they all went through a similar pattern. We worked through it, however it wasn't easy. The difference was we wanted it to work, what we had before the complexities of raising a family outweighed the difficulties. We came close on a few occasions calling it a day, but as I look back I'm so pleased we worked through it. The question you have to ask yourself is ... without all the complications of family life, is what you and your partner worth fighting for? If not move on, if it is... continue moving forward... together.

Pinkbonbon · 23/08/2019 20:27

Pft bipolar...sounds like he has a dose of borderline personality disorder too (and there can be a link so...). He's an are either way.

my parents dislike him already good! I'm sure that won't prevent them taking you in. Don't let your pride make you stay. Freedom is more important.

Original poster
EsmeMummy18 · 23/08/2019 22:03

I feel like people in relationships with someone with mental health do end up taking the brunt of it all. We got on really well considering his MH and his ex sticking her nose in. Having a baby did impact our marriage but it does with most people. He’s just far too selfish!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 23/08/2019 22:09

If your family are decent....go back and tell them they were right about him and ask for their help.

Pack your bags and get away.

He sounds awful.
You made a mistake.
Don't allow it to ruin your life.

Move on.
Things will never get better whilst you are with him.

TooTrueToBeGood · 23/08/2019 22:18

I won't pretend to be an expert but my father suffered from bipolar horrifically for most of his adult life. He never once treated my mother with anything less than absolute love and respect. Don't assume his MH issues are an excuse. Even if they are contributing, you still have a right to be happy. Don't doubt yourself. Breaking free will not be easy but it will be for the best.

actuallyquitesmall · 23/08/2019 23:45

Just because he has mental health issues it doesn't mean you have to stay in the relationship if you are miserable and unhappy.

TooTrueToBeGood has hit the nail absolutely on the head.

alexasmith · 24/08/2019 00:27

Leave

Missillusioned · 24/08/2019 00:32

I can see how this would be upsetting, but I can't seem to find regular sex as a single person either, so that isn't necessarily a fix. Or at least not with a man I trust. Although I am about 10 years older than you

Techway · 24/08/2019 03:24

How old is his other daughter?

Are your family close by? Do you have a relationship with them? Separating always feels impossible due to finances or logistics but there is always a way.

It is scary to think of time away from your baby and another woman in her life but over time this gets easier. You can probably appreciate why his Ex wife felt the way she did!
Selfish men don't change and mostly I would say babies can cause issues in marriages so don't rush decisions but I suspect this is more than new baby issues.Your family probadly have seen through him a long time ago.

Once you make a decision to leave you will find a way through.

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