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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We are separated but Im unable to live my own life.

43 replies

Laylajaney · 23/08/2019 12:52

My husband had a six month affair. I separated from him when I found out . Due to circumstances we live in same house but separately. The reasons are financial and we are nt young any more
After awhile things got a bit better -we are friends and ocasionally when a bit drunk have had sex .It suits us ok.
I noticed he hadnt tried to change his annoying habits atall ,though .The main one being- he is glued to screens and difficult to talk to. I asked him to see how we would geton if he moved out. He did and moved straight in with another woman who hed been incontact with. He told me after telling me a bunch of lies that he was desperate for somewhere to live and hadnt shagged her before he moved in . I suspect this is a lie becaues you dont turn up to someones house and start having a sexual relationship straight away. He used her . After a week he insisted it wasnt working with her and returned to live in his half of our co-owned house She was desperatly upset and I was too mainly because of all the lies. He did have a key to my sisters vacant house too. She doesnt like him staying there though because of his affair.She is in USA though.
I would like to date other men but he is still possessive. It s unbelievable how selfish and two faced he is.I would love to experience other men but feel restricted by his presence. Its like Im not entitled to what hes had . He seems to have sex with anyone that praises or flatters him . Sad thing is when he was younger he wasnt like this. Or may be I didnt find out. We were married for decades

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/08/2019 12:59

I would love to experience other men but feel restricted by his presence
His presence where though?
You don't have to have to a man back to your place.
Just go on a few dates and see where it leads.
You can go away for weekends or go to his house for sex.

You are still way to enmeshed with your Ex.
Why can't you sell up and separate properly.
I fear it's because you are having issues coming to terms with the end of your relationship.

If he can do it then so can you.
What is really stopping you here?

Ilikethisone · 23/08/2019 13:02

I have been there.

The options are date men outside the house. Dont bring them back.

Or sell the house asap.

But please stop having sex with him. You say it suited you, but it clearly doesnt.

You say he didnt pay attention to you and stuck to his screen. Of course he did. You were just occassionally having sex. Not back together. He had no reason to want to improve his behaviour.

As awful as this sounds it was a great deal for him. Living at home, gets sex but no obligation to act like he was I a relationship with you.

You will only really love on when he moves out permanently or you do.

I would get that sorted asap.

AgentJohnson · 23/08/2019 13:12

On the strength of what you’ve written, the greatest obstacle to ‘living your own life’ is probably you. Who he sleeps with is no longer your concern and him being glued to his screen and uncommunicative is an added bonus.

Being ready to date means not caring who he’s with or what he’s doing. The sooner you detach emotionally from this man, the easier it will be to live your life but I suggest that you spend some time finding out who you are.

GloriousGoosebumps · 23/08/2019 13:17

You sound as though you are waiting for your husband to give you permission to live your life but he's not going to do that. In fact, it's probably giving him a great deal of pleasure to see you in this no man's land while he's out having sex with anyone stupid enough to hop into bed with him. So you need to go out and meet people. You may feel you couldn't bring anyone home but cross that bridge when you get to it. It would be possible to have a relationship without bringing your new man home.

As for your husband having a key to your sister's house. Get her to agree that you can change the locks and do so. That removes a potential love nest for him and gives you somewhere you could go.

dottiedodah · 23/08/2019 13:23

Living under the same roof .and occasionally having sex isnt quite being separated is it?! I think you should have a frank discussion with him about getting divorced .It seems fine for him to have sex with anyone he wants ,but not you!.The longer you have this kind of lukewarm relationship the worse it will be !.I think it will be hard and you dont say how old you are ,but if you have been married a long time it will be more difficult to cut ties but he is holding you back !

category12 · 23/08/2019 13:27

As per pps, you're standing in your own way. Sell up, divorce, move on with your life.

Original poster
Laylajaney · 23/08/2019 13:29

We cant sell up that would be easy solution . House prices would mean living miles away from rest of family.
I was in a marriage of over40 yr s of course we still feel connected.
I dont care what he does any more naturally ,but he is sulky and slightly threatening if I want to do same as him.
I did ask him to move out, afterall.Lies arent nice even if you r just friends . Im completely open with him . He also lied to this other old girlfriend hed moved in with briefly . She started to overdose. He just called her anutter.
I had started to live my life separately when he returned. I actually felt relieved when he left but did miss him -its been such a long accosiation
. Long relationships become engrained. It takes a long time to shake things off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laylajaney · 23/08/2019 13:36

I did meet someone but feel I have to be secretive about meetig up again.
He is maniputative . I said i wanted to go on dates and his response was .' When is your date 'and 'have you already been on one the other day'.etc. I actually met up with a girl friend for lunch . If i want to sort things out and talk about my plans, he raises his voice.

OP posts:
bigchris · 23/08/2019 13:38

You can't live your own life while you're still living with him

We can't advise you until you realise thst to me happy you need to sell and move

So you don't live near your family , it's one sacrifice on the road to being happy

Or just stay where you are and put up feeling like this forever , it won't change

People separate every day , see a solicitor, find a way

Original poster
Laylajaney · 23/08/2019 13:38

We r ligally separated .

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 23/08/2019 13:39

I dont think anyone would disagree that it is hard to disengage from a 40+ year relationship... but your husband has managed it, so its not impossible.

What do you want, OP? Do you want to move on and perhaps date other people?

Original poster
Laylajaney · 23/08/2019 13:40

We r retired and dont have unlimited funds. You need to be near family when elderly

OP posts:
Original poster
Laylajaney · 23/08/2019 13:44

I think he just has to get used to the idea that Im moving on too. I wont be moving out of my lovely home for anyone though!

OP posts:
CaptainJaneway62 · 23/08/2019 13:44

Can you move into your sister's house even if it's only temporary just to get some respite from his behaviour which by the way sounds bloody awful!

Thehouseintheforest · 23/08/2019 13:45

Can YOU not you and live in your sisters house ?

CaptainJaneway62 · 23/08/2019 13:47

Just read your updates...if you are not prepared to leave your home it looks as though you're stuck with him unfortunately.

bigchris · 23/08/2019 13:49

Looks like you're stuck with him then until one of you dies or inherits money then if that's what you've decided

funnylittlefloozie · 23/08/2019 13:52

In that case, you need to work on disengaging from him. You get on with your life, let him get on with his. Dont tell him about your dates, just go (and enjoy yourself). Get some new hobbies, just for you.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/08/2019 13:53

If i want to sort things out and talk about my plans, he raises his voice
Do NOT discuss any plans with him.
It sounds, and is, easy!
Just go out when you've made plans to and return when you want to.
If he raises his voice a simple 'It has fuck all to do with you any more. We are separated. Deal with it.' Then walk away.
Repeat and repeat and repeat.
The sooner he realises he has no say in your life the sooner you can move on.
But you MUST detach if you are going co-habit.
Ignore his crap.
Do your own thing.
Stop trying to discuss anything with him.
Stop telling him anything about your plans or your life.
It's gonna be really weird after 40 years of confiding in someone but you need to do it.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 23/08/2019 13:56

When you say legally separated do you mean divorced? If not, then you aren’t legally separated.

I think you need to start treating him and your ‘lovely house’ much more like a flat share. Just be out more and don’t answer Qs which are none of his business?

How old are you? I find it rather sad you’d stay in this ‘not together not apart’ state because you want others do do your care. I also don’t believe you can’t buy or rent somewhere else in your area. Surely if you’re selling a house you can get a one bed flat?

‘We are retired. We don’t have unlimited funds’ are you actually separated or is this just an open (for him) marriage.

AgentJohnson · 23/08/2019 14:14

I think he just has to get used to the idea that Im moving on too.

And how’s that going? It isn’t and that’s why started this thread.

Op you have to choose, do you want to move on or do you want to hang on to the remote possibility that he has the capacity to not be an arse, you cannot have both You have a shared history that doesn’t mean you have to have a shared present, he is not your friend.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/08/2019 14:32

We r ligally separated

But physically and geographically, you're still very much together, especially if you're still having sex. Sounds like that part of this mess is of your own making.

You say you don't want to leave your 'lovely house', in which case you're going to have to suck it up, if he's legally entitled to be there too.

Surely if you sell the house, you can both downsize to a one bed flat each?

SandyY2K · 23/08/2019 14:50

You need to make it clear your personal life is none of his business.

However, being under one roof, must make it difficult.

Are you planning to divorce?
Is he still your NOK?

funnylittlefloozie · 23/08/2019 15:12

Are you still working?

NewMe2019 · 23/08/2019 15:20

I had to live with my ex and I dated. I didn't discuss any plans with him. Just said when I was going out to ensure someone was here for the DCs. None of his business where I went. He did try asking a few times. I just didn't answer and he soon gave up.

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