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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We are separated but Im unable to live my own life.

43 replies

Laylajaney · 23/08/2019 12:52

My husband had a six month affair. I separated from him when I found out . Due to circumstances we live in same house but separately. The reasons are financial and we are nt young any more
After awhile things got a bit better -we are friends and ocasionally when a bit drunk have had sex .It suits us ok.
I noticed he hadnt tried to change his annoying habits atall ,though .The main one being- he is glued to screens and difficult to talk to. I asked him to see how we would geton if he moved out. He did and moved straight in with another woman who hed been incontact with. He told me after telling me a bunch of lies that he was desperate for somewhere to live and hadnt shagged her before he moved in . I suspect this is a lie becaues you dont turn up to someones house and start having a sexual relationship straight away. He used her . After a week he insisted it wasnt working with her and returned to live in his half of our co-owned house She was desperatly upset and I was too mainly because of all the lies. He did have a key to my sisters vacant house too. She doesnt like him staying there though because of his affair.She is in USA though.
I would like to date other men but he is still possessive. It s unbelievable how selfish and two faced he is.I would love to experience other men but feel restricted by his presence. Its like Im not entitled to what hes had . He seems to have sex with anyone that praises or flatters him . Sad thing is when he was younger he wasnt like this. Or may be I didnt find out. We were married for decades

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/08/2019 15:26

If you’re separated, who each of you dates is none of the other’s business. Don’t tell him you want to date or that you’re going on a date - the most courtesy you owe him is that of a housemate, whom you might let know you’d be out for the evening in passing. Likewise, you know far too much about who he’s seeing and his relationships with other women. You shouldn’t be asking and he shouldn’t be telling.

But you’re never going to get beyond this whilst you still insist on living together. Neither of you should be expecting the other to move out if it a shared marital home. You need to decide whether being basically imprisoned in your “lovely home” is preferable to having the opportunity to live your own life, even if that means you live it in a studio or one-bed flat.

Gemma1971 · 23/08/2019 16:17

Sell up. Live life now, not in the future. Who knows how long anyone has left. While you're sleeping with him you are energetically connected. You need to physically, mentally and emotionally detach. He clearly already has, but is hanging onto you and the situation for convenience.

Leave. Now. While you can still appreciate life, love, health and anything you want without Mr User using you any further.

Gemma1971 · 23/08/2019 16:18

The last thing I would want would be to live with my ex and not be able to bring a new partner to my home. It's madness!!

noego · 23/08/2019 16:35

Seems he has a NPD to me. He doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you.
Just do your own thing. Don't tell him anything. Be LC and grey rock and get yourself a FB.

Original poster

Laylajaney · 23/08/2019 16:55

No I dont work . Thanks for advice.

OP posts:

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 23/08/2019 17:02

Would the house value really not equate to 2 small flats?

Original poster

Laylajaney · 23/08/2019 17:10

We do have a legal separation I have the paper to prove it.There is such a thing .You do not need to divorce. Its more

OP posts:

Original poster

Laylajaney · 23/08/2019 17:15

I wouldnt consider moving into a flat i love my garden its part of me. I created it. Why should a selfish man destroy my life . Im 70. I take the good advice that I should ignore all his nosey questions and get on and enjoy my life. It is like an open marriage and Ive decided to enjoy it.
Best of every world.

OP posts:

noego · 23/08/2019 17:38

I lived through this. Ex was having an affair. We shared same house. When I went out they were consumed with jealousy. Yet it was ok for them to spend time with AP and weekends away etc.
Attitude is the key here. And it is F**k them and do what you want. I did and loved it. I got up to all sorts and thoroughly enjoyed myself and still do. There are lots of people who want friendship and lovers but want to remain independent.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 23/08/2019 17:52

It’s up to you but 70 isn’t that old. My parents and PIL are 70, I still have all my grandparents, all in their 90s and living independently. 20+ years is a long time. You could build a new garden without him

Ilikethisone · 23/08/2019 17:57

If it's the best if every world why are you here complaining?

Look, if that's what you want to do, thats up to you. But you arent happy with the situation as is.

You came looking for advice because you werent happy. People are only trying to help.

bigchris · 23/08/2019 18:04

So you're not separated , it's an open marriage , you still shag each other

Pointless thread

Purpleseat · 23/08/2019 18:47

It’s not an open marriage because you aren’t allowed to shag other men!

funnylittlefloozie · 23/08/2019 19:54

Unlike some people here, i can understand why a 70 year old woman does not want to move into a studio if she doesnt have to!

What you are going to have to face up to is that as you both age, your DH will have his pick of more and more partners, because there are more old women than there are old men. Dont let him make a fool of you.

I also think that you might need legal advice about the house. What if one of you gets ill and has to go into care? What is the situation with that?

AMAM8916 · 23/08/2019 20:53

You love your home, you don't seem upset about him seeing others so my advice would be to tell him that you are going to enjoy your life too and he can't stop you. If he wants to, he can move out!

Is it possible for you to have dates at your sisters house?

newtb · 24/08/2019 15:28

It's not easy, I agree, but easier to start again in a new house now than in say 5 or 10 years time.

I left my 'D'H 4 weeks after our 40th wedding anniversary, so I'm not talking from the perspective of someone in their 30s.

I'm now 63, and can assure you that's it's much better late than never. He filed for divorce where we live rather than in the UK, and it'll probably come back to bite him. Tough!

Good luck

Original poster

Laylajaney · 24/08/2019 18:24

Big chris I do have a legal separation.

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 24/08/2019 18:53

It is like an open marriage and Ive decided to enjoy it.
Best of every world.

This what is concerning, you are separated so it’s nothing like an open marriage.

I’m also confused as to how your best of both worlds ties into your thread title. Sure go out and have fun but your complicated home life will put a lot of potential suitors off.

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