In love with someone else- please help

[StuartMichelle]

I am in a relationship of 11 years. We are not married, we also have no kids but we have a mortgage together and in our first home.

We are both 29 years old. I admit I have a nice sense of security with my current partner- he has a lovely family (I shouldn't say, but enough money to look after us both along with themselves!)

Over the past year I have felt a bit shut out from my relationship. My partner doesn't meet me emotionally but I know he loves me dearly. I am very confused as I feel I also love him still...

I have been so use to being with him though, and him with me. I fear I am taken for granted a lot of the time. Nothing really changes.

I met a man through a mutual
Friend about 5 months ago. Since then, we have spoken nearly every day and met up on enough times I could just count on one hand. We just clicked, sparks whatever you want to call it. know that sounds terrible.

This other man meets my emotional needs.

My current partner has no idea I feel this way about another man- but he is aware I am having doubts. But it does not seem to change that much. He will change and try to be attentive to me for a week and then it goes back to normal...

What on earth do I do? I feel absolutely awful. Am I a bad person?

I'm aware it's an emotional affair- nothing physical has happened between us believe it or not!

I feel terrible. I feel like I am in one of those love triangles on the soaps but I have to sort this one out myself....

The other man is adamant the wants me, he will not give up on me and he has said he loves me a few times... everything I want to hear! He is very passionate unlike my current partner. I feel so bad for saying that

Splitting from my partner would mean having to sell the house and start fresh. That thought scares me. I don't have a lot of confidence.

Has anyone else been in this station? Is it possible to love two people? What was the outcome of your situation?

Sorry my post is so long, doesn't seem
so long when I type it!

What is the other guys situation ? Is he single?

If you read this back as if someone else wrote it, you'd notice that the first benefit that you give about your partner is his families wealth, and the thing you are most worried about is selling the house. You probably do still care for him, but it doesn't sound as if you love him.

I wouldn't leave him to be with new guy, because it'd be a rebound, but I'd leave him to find someone that I loved and felt complete with. He deserves that, as do you, and this guy is unlikely to be the only one that catches your eye.

@Bobbins19 I'll be honest... he's divorced with one teenage daughter. That doesn't bother me

Ah so he is available so to speak :) - I would say that the fact that your head has been turned by someone else means that there is an issue in your own relationship that you either need to address to either sort out if you think its what you want or you need to separate and sell the house and then start a new life and then look for someone.
I am in a similar position at the moment except mine is with an ex love interest who has recently come back into my life after 7 years! Im now married to the guy I met straight after going our separate ways and the feelings I have for him are so intense! But I love my husband and im just riding the feelings out as I think its just lust but its so hard!
Can you imagine life without your husband? I guess its hard when you've been together all those years and hes the only one you know so to speak :)

I think it is possible to love two people. Not necessarily fair but it happens. Looking at yhe situation 100% from your point of view, I'd recommend not rushing any decisions. I think that honeymoon love fades and when it does, will you regret your decision? But you're young and your relationship has been from a young age and people change.why haven't you married? Is it because you two don't believe in marriage or care about it? Or is there another reason? I think there's a lot to consider before throwing away a basically good 11 year relationship.

I think you should split, whether you get together with the other man or not.
You met your partner when you were 18. Pretty much a child. People change massively in the years you've been together. Very few people grow and evolve in harmony with someone they met so young. (yes I know it happens, but it's unusual).
If you're having doubts now, when you're young and child-free and life should be fun, then to met that means the relationship is over.

Look at sorting things out with your partner and if you do decide to split, I recommend that you remain single for a while. Grow and be yourself and see what you really want. Getting together with someone who has a kid isn't that simple either.

He is very passionate unlike my current partner

He is now. He may not be in 11 years time.

@HaileySherman thanks for your response. We haven't married basically because I haven't been asked... I admit there is a bit of resentment from me because he hasn't asked me by now and I thought he would have done by now. I do feel it's a bit too late.

I don't want to leave my relationship as I do feel I love him still but as well as this new man. I have never been in this situation before. It's very sad because I'll have to say goodbye to one of them I know I will. I wish I could be selfish.

@Mintychoc1 that is what I have thought before, thanks. It's just so sad as I didn't imagine this happening.

I know that sometimes you can meet someone and you think. What the heck has Happened here. However, your dh sounds like a decent guy.
Could you have some counselling with your dh? Is there anything you can work on? It would be awful if you split up and then this new man isn't all he cracks up to be...

I think the two things are separate. First decide what you want to do about your and DP relationship. Take the other man out of equation. Do you want to stay in this relationship? If you break up, give yourself some time before getting with second guy/anyone else.

Which one do you feel you could say goodbye to? As that's what will be needed.

I'm not going to preach, I've been in your situation. Twice I jumped ship to the new man, once after 4 years and once after 11 years. And I don't regret the decision either time.

We haven't married basically because I haven't been asked...

Sounds like there isn't much commitment there and you are both jogging long in a rut afraid to jump out - which is probably what you should do. But think carefully before jumping straight to the new man.

Just because DP's family is wealthy, doesn't mean that they will share it with your partner and you, even if married. You shouldn't have any expectations or place any reliance on it. You need to consider only what the two of you have individually/together.

Thanks all for your comments they have massively helped me x

@EggysMom i have asked myself that so many times....

Hi,

I would think long and hard before you do anything.

With current partner, just ask yourself, what would your answer be if he proposed to you this evening? Would your answer be yes? Could you imagine a lifetime with him?

If you can't imagine life in the future or it doesn't fill you with happiness, then you have your answer.

The new man may be lovely but equally he could be lovely because he is new and off limits etc which are bound to make him more attractive and fun etc.

Good luck whatever you decide x

OM sounds like he's love bombing you - big red flags there. Of course he doesn't "love" you, and vice versa - you haven't even had sex! Or been on a proper date!

Cut off contact with him, because he's confusing the issue of your current relationship.

So you're 29 now, you got together when you were basically still a child. I think it would be unusual for you not to have changed massively since then and now want different things.

Sounds like your BF knows you're unhappy, puts in the minimum effort needed to "shut you up" and then goes back to his usual ways once he thinks he's given you enough to stop you giving him earache.

Op - it happens often with couples that got together very young....
As you both grow up and change - life comes to crossroads, just before the age people start thinking about having children. Because that next phase binds you together for a long time, or at least it feels like it should.
It’s difficult to walk away from familiar and comfortable relationship. And - despite what people advice on MN - people rarely just walk away and stay alone for a while. In theory it makes sense - in reality it’s too hard.
Your first relationship has run its course - and seems to be moving by inertia.
There doesn’t seem to be a next stage in sight - no marriage plans, you don’t mention kids, etc.
You say you love your bf. Can you imagine staying another 30-40 years with him? Does this thought make you happy? If yes - break off with the new guy and work on the relationship. Propose. Communicate better - give him the attention you want him to give you and hope he’ll reciprocate. Make changes to be happier, etc.
Otherwise - you are too young to stay in a lukewarm relationship. You’ll only get more unhappy and eventually will meet another man and leave for him.

@MMmomDD thank you that is really helpful advice xxx

You dont love the new man.

Because you dont know him that well. You have met up a few times. Anyone can pretend to be a certain way when the majority of the relationship is over text.

You should end you current relationship. Take a bit of time and then date this man, if that's what you want, do not jump straight into a serious relationshop with him. You could find that, actually, being a serious relationship with him is shit.

Some people are amazing when engaging in chasing someone, then real life sets in and it's not what you expected at all.

Leave your partner. Regardless of what the OM is like. Relationship with OM is a risk.

But seperate the 2.

@Ilikethisone thanks for your comment. It's easier said than done to leave. I know we aren't married but we have a house.

I have asked him A few times to give me space and leave for a week, his parents don't live far so he's ok to be there for a week and commute to his job. I also stated I would move out for a week. At least to see what I wanted and to see if I would miss him. He refused to either of us moving out... said it was 'unhealthy' if either of us did... I can't win or even have a chance to sort my own head out.

He is so stubborn.

thanks for your comment. It's easier said than done to leave. I know we aren't married but we have a house.

With respect, I got divorced after 15 years (17 years together) of marriage, a house and 2 kids. I am fully aware of how difficult it is. As it goes your situation is relatively easy. His parents could simply buy you out. There are several options available to you.

If he doesnt want to leave his home, to give you space, he is perfectly entitled to feel that way. No way would I leave my home while my partner stayed and got a week to decide if they still wanted to be with me.

If you need space, you leave. You can make arrangements. Take annual leave, so you can go further.

Simple fact is that with or without the OM you are not happy in your relationship. Splitting is best for you and him. You deserve to be happy. He deserves to be with someone who doesnt view him as one of 2 options.

Spray forgot to say he cant refuse for you to leave for a week. You are an adult and if you want to leave for a week, do it.