In love with someone else- please help

[StuartMichelle]

I am in a relationship of 11 years. We are not married, we also have no kids but we have a mortgage together and in our first home.

We are both 29 years old. I admit I have a nice sense of security with my current partner- he has a lovely family (I shouldn't say, but enough money to look after us both along with themselves!)

Over the past year I have felt a bit shut out from my relationship. My partner doesn't meet me emotionally but I know he loves me dearly. I am very confused as I feel I also love him still...

I have been so use to being with him though, and him with me. I fear I am taken for granted a lot of the time. Nothing really changes.

I met a man through a mutual
Friend about 5 months ago. Since then, we have spoken nearly every day and met up on enough times I could just count on one hand. We just clicked, sparks whatever you want to call it. know that sounds terrible.

This other man meets my emotional needs.

My current partner has no idea I feel this way about another man- but he is aware I am having doubts. But it does not seem to change that much. He will change and try to be attentive to me for a week and then it goes back to normal...

What on earth do I do? I feel absolutely awful. Am I a bad person?

I'm aware it's an emotional affair- nothing physical has happened between us believe it or not!

I feel terrible. I feel like I am in one of those love triangles on the soaps but I have to sort this one out myself....

The other man is adamant the wants me, he will not give up on me and he has said he loves me a few times... everything I want to hear! He is very passionate unlike my current partner. I feel so bad for saying that

Splitting from my partner would mean having to sell the house and start fresh. That thought scares me. I don't have a lot of confidence.

Has anyone else been in this station? Is it possible to love two people? What was the outcome of your situation?

I have nc’d for this to tell you my story.

This was my exact situation 3 years ago, honestly almost identical even down to the ages and time lengths etc. I was about to turn 30 and had been with my partner so long we just took each other for granted etc. When I met a guy through a mutual friend we hit it off so well and there was passion excitement, all the things I had missed. I didn’t cheat but it was still an emotional affair. After time new guy said he loved and constantly praised me whilst my partner fell asleep in front in the tv every night.

I decided to take the plunge and I ended it with my partner because I was sure the other man was the one and it was massively hard, I upset my partner and he didn’t want us to break up but he also didn’t really put any effort in to stop it so I took that as more of a sign we should be over. I stayed in our home whilst he moved out and I began seeing new man, at first it was amazing he was fantastic and I was so happy. He continued to praise me and say he loved me , he wanted me to see him all the time and treated me to so many nice things. Eventually he was coming over all the time and it made sense he should move in. Then slowly it became him being upset with me going out and he didn’t like me wearing certain clothes because he thought I would attract other men. I think you see where this is going, it got worse and he became verbally and emotionally abuse before he started hitting me. Now I’m trapped in a cycle of hell where my life is so restricted I just want to scream and run away but for various reasons I just can’t.

I’m not at all saying this will happen to you and I’m sure sometimes these things work out. But what I will say is if I could go back in time I would have addressed my relationship and talked to my partner to see if anything could be done (we are actually still in touch and I pretend to him I am happy when really I miss him so much). If you do decide to end it then DO NOT jump into another serious relationship immediately, take time for yourself and wait, if he really likes you he will understand. I wish I had given myself time to mourn the end of my long term one and if I had I would have not been so blind to the abusive signs of my current partner, they were there when I think back but I just didn’t realise then because I thought I loved him. Whatever you do I hope it turns out better than what has happened to my life.

If your current BF wanted to marry you, he would have.
If the new guy really was that great, he'd back off and wait for you to split with your BF.

Get the house on the market. Thank him for the good years and then get your self sorted .
If you go straight to the rebound, you are building in troubles for down the road. If the new guy is worth it, take your time and do it right

OP, god you are me 5 or 6 years ago 🙈🙈

10 years in the same relationship. With him since I was 15.
Went to uni together.
He got a house and I paid rent towards it.
Waited ages to get engaged.

The thing is... you get so used to plodding on in the same relationship, you forget that your happiness is quite important. It somehow gets lost in the fog.

We were about to get married and I had this clear moment (thanks to counselling) where I realised I cared for him but I didn't love him. In fact he'd been holding me back from alot of things.

I originally tried to postpone the wedding but he gave me an ultimatum. Either we get married or we break up. I dont respond to ultimatums well so I picked break up.

It was the best decision of my life and I felt so much freedom. Finally.

I would imagine that is what your partner is afraid of. He's afraid if you have time apart, you will realise how happy you are without him.

I would INSIST on a week apart. Can you go and stay with a friend or some family? It is entirely healthy to need space to assess the situation.

Then see how you feel... if you dont miss him that much, if you enjoy having that freedom, if you feel lighter and happier, you have your answer.

Thanks all for your comments and advice I cannot say how helpful it is.

I feel so down and depressed about everything. I am really considering seeing a counsellor for myself or going to the Doctors.

I'm another, "you are me". I was too scared to leave. We had a house, shared friends, we'd been together 12 years and it felt too difficult to end. I bought it up with him once, he shut it down, he refused to leave and that was that. I didn't want to risk giving up something that was okay. I posted here and a lot of people told me to leave but a few said that getting bored was normal, that they left and regretted it, that type of thing - and I couldn't see past those posts. I convinced myself.

It broke up six years later, horrendously. I would have bet my life he wouldn't do some of the things that he did. It was horrible for everyone; the police got involved; it was so damaging and the house sale was horrendous because there was no way to "fix" it nicely anymore, everyone had intense emotions. I was blindsided.

I've now been with my fiancé for four years. He's not the man who turned my head way back when, but I can say this relationship is different and feels so right, and I never would have said that was possible. And I really wish I'd broken things off before, because even though he'd have been hurt, we'd all have done better out of it.

"Okay" won't be enough for the rest of your life. It just won't.

Do you have somewhere you could go for a bit?

@IsolaRossa thanks so much for sharing your experience.

I have decided I'll be going to my parents for all of next week. And see if I want to stay longer or move back home at all... see how I feel. We don't live that far from my parents so I will be counting how many times he comes knocking for me!!

I just don't feel I want to waste anymore time. We haven't married yet even though he has been telling me for the past few years he 'has a plan'. I have also been diagnosed with slight endometriosis so I don't feel I want to wait a lot longer to have babies as it could lower my chances...

Just feel in such a mess.

I got together with my ex when I was 18 too. It's far too young to settle down with someone. You grow and change a lot. I'd end it OP. Sounds like it's just eun it's course.

Life is very short OP. I think it’s possible to love two people at the same time. But you have to be sure there is no future with your DP before making such a big step as to start a relationship with the OM. Really sure. Take some time to think maybe but don’t leave it too long, else one will end up even more hurt I’m sure

@Dogsandbunnys I hope you find the strength to leave. You deserve better

Hi. I don't think the way this other man is acting sounds right. You've only met a few times and haven't been physical but he says he loves you. That's a red flag. I think they call it love bombing. Anyone that does that, isn't someone to jump into anything with.

I honestly think you're just bored. You've been with your partner a long time and since you were young and you're in that weird phase before you may have kids where it's a bit boring, mundane and you do feel taken for granted.

In any situation, asking him to leave for a week so you can decide between him and someone else isn't fair and you know it. This guy you've met won't be exciting in 11 years, trust me.

My advice would be to sit down with your partner and have a Frank discussion and say what are we doing and where is this going? Tell him if you aren't having kids yet, why the hell are you not getting married, travelling or doing something!

You've been caught up in the new relationship excitement to fill the boring void you have in your own one. I'm 30, so one year older than you. I've been married for 5 years, together for 8 and we have a 2, almost 3 year old son. I was extremely bored just before we had our son. Really bored! Now I'm on a 10 day holiday with my husband and son and loving life! He came back the other day from a walk with your son and bought me a little present, it was lovely.

Pressing on through that boredom is the way to go! It's your relationship too so make it what you want it to be. He sounds like a good guy, maybe just a bit simple in terms of what he wants and finds exciting. I can tell you that when you split and the house has to be sold and he's upset and you've got a new guy with a TEENAGE daughter to think about, it won't be all I love you's and excitement!