How can I find out if he's lying?

[Felixfroggie]

Met a man, 39 single, very good looking. We've been on 3 'slow' dates. I say slow because I'm being cautious after meeting some real jerks previously. They all say what you want to hear upfront. So, if I give you the situation, you tell me if you think he's genuinely single or not?

Broke with his ex 1 year ago, has a 5yo dd
He sees dd daily!
Says his ex is a full-time sahm, so how does she live?
He lives in a house-share close by that I'm not allowed to see because it's 'not nice'.
When I asked him where his ex lives he said 'name of our locality' & when I asked where specifically, he kind of reiterated this.
He doesn't appear to have many local friends?
He has his own legit business making reasonable ££
I saw his FB 6 months ago & it was only him & his dd, now it's set to totally private.

The thing is, I don't know anyone who can vouch for him. You might've thought, living only 2 streets apart, that someone would know what his real set-up is. I just feel uneasy. I don't want to be his next stepping stone if he's still with someone. What d'you reckon?

Rerun of a thread from a few days ago. He's probably genuinely embarrassed by his living arrangements.

This could have been me 100%
I moved into a house share and didnt want any new dates to see it etc etc. I often review FB privacy to stop the ex stalking. EX surgically removed all friends and I couldnt trust any left after the divorce for spying.
If he is anything like me then he is being very cautious, unfortunately that doesnt help you because it could be ANYTHING.
Just dont invest in anything, enjoy his company and see what unfolds.

He lives in a house-share close by that I'm not allowed to see because it's 'not nice'.

Red flag OP.

I'd be completely upfront with him to be honest. Just say that some of the things he's mentioned don't add up and that because you're enjoying his company you need some clarity if you both want to carry on seeing each other.

His house share may well be a total dive, he may well not be doing that well for himself financially etc but if you make clear that these things are not significant barriers to you but that a lack of trust is then he can make the decision on how to proceed. Either open up about his home etc or move on.

Or you could just add each other on facebook and see how that goes, if you don't get access to his full profile I'd certainly be questioning why.

Anyone adding me on Facebook or demanding to see where I live after three slow dates would be getting dumped very quickly.

I don't mind the house-share, even a scuzzy one. But I ought to be able to pass by & meet him there surely? He's been in our local area for a good 4yrs so must be known by someone? He's doing well for himself because I can see his business at Companies House. I just get this niggly feeling there's something he's not telling me. If he has such a good relationship with his ex & he sees his kid every day, then why not be open about where they live? I have suspicions that he's not separated at all & I'm absolutely not going to be the other woman.

I haven't asked to be added to his FB for the record. I looked at it. Once it was open, 2nd time totally closed. & I haven't demanded to see where he lives either - it's just that meetings only ever happen at mine & he's suggesting this is how it will always be.

Woah there!!!
This is getting really creepy. You want to pop by his house after 3 dates? youre checking his company on companies house?

Three dates in 6 months? Tbh that's ridiculously slow!

Why would he give you his ex's address??!

He is still married

Poor bastard. He's probably shitting it that you ask too many weird questions.

And you are giving Glenn Close a run for her money.....

I'm betting he lives with his ex (the "house share"). A guy I met through online dating span me the same line. He was still living with his ex and their child.

You clearly don't trust him. At this stage things should be fun and laughter, not suspicion and going on mumsnet to ask strangers if a man they've never met is lying. I'd end it if I were you.

3 dates and you always meet at yours? Why don't you meet at the venue?

Why not just enjoy dating? You sound very intense.

Yes definitely agree with LoftHatchBliss, end it now. If he's a single parent running his own business he doesnt need your kind of trouble.

But I ought to be able to pass by & meet him there surely?

Not after 3 dates, no.

Although, after 3 dates in 6 months, I doubt he does you as anything serious anyway.

Parent999

Tbf, checking someone's business out at companies house is just sensible. It's all info in the public domain and by doing so, I found out that a man who had been 'wooing' me for a few months, and who I'd got a date arranged with, was married 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t let a man I’ve met three times come to my house. Especially if he wouldn’t tell me where he lived.

When you checked the information at Companies House, did you notice if his wife was a director of his company ?

If he has a good income, why does he live in a scummy house share ?

Fair enough, maybe I’m naive and should be checking women more closely. Call me idealistic but if i have to stalk her to corroborate what she’s telling me then there’s no trust to start with and it’s already doomed.

Plus the mumsnet chorus: if a man did this la tra la la.....

The man is sharing a house - with his wife and DC.

@Parent999

When two men a week are murdered by women and women commit more than 90 per cent of rapes and sexual assaults, then you will have a Point.

Companies house dont list murder convictions. I doubt facebook does either

Parent999

I know that men I've dated have checked me out online. It feels a bit odd to know, but i haven't had a problem with it - I've also checked them.

If you have met someone online/on a night out/through work and don't actually know anyone who can vouch for them personally, there are limited ways of verifying what they have said.

The man I mentioned, he was listed as a company director, along with his wife, at their home address and I checked him out a few days before our arranged date. We'd become quite close through work over several months and sought each other out when we were in the same building. We'd shared stories of our lives - good and bad and not once did he mention or even say anything to raise suspicion of a wife.

It's not stalking but if I hadnt done that, I could have unwittingly been the 'other woman'.

The date never happened.

In an ideal.world, yes we'd just trust people, and sometimes we do have to take what people say at face value and hope for the best, but people lie and when the situation is as questionable as the on the OP is describing, I think it would he reasonable for anyone - male or female to check.

Your gut is really important and if you have a niggling feeling that something doesn't quite add up - then I think you are right to listen to that.

I don't think this necessarily means he is an arsehole, but you are right to proceed with caution. You've only been on 3 dates so it is very early days and there is nothing wrong with going slow.

Actions definitely speak louder than words, so judge him on how he behaves towards you, and like you say take everything he says with a pinch of salt!

There is no way I'd invite anyone back to my home after just 3 dates - whether it was a shithole or otherwise, so he may just not be ready yet. I definitely wouldn't be telling anyone where my ex-husband lived either, so I don't think that is too weird.

@ohHimAgain
You know what, that makes sense when you explain it like that. Maybe it is sensible. I guess from personal experience there is nothing worse than someone who is looking to prove me a liar. Like Im already a liar, they just havent proved it yet. Makes for a lot of resentment.

OP if you're this suspicious after three dates then it doesn't really matter if he's lying or not - just sounds like you aren't enjoying your time with him enough to keep seeing him.

If it doesn't feel right to the extent you're having to ask strangers' opinion on it then I'd sack it off