Living with a partner with Health anxiety...HELP

[325563354adrvgf]

Hi all. I have been with my husband for 10 years now and throughout the whole relationship he has had health anxiety, sometimes things are good but the majority things are so hard. The constant self diagnosis and always thinking every little ache or pain is terminal is really taking its toll. I am becoming resentful that nothing is ever about me and always about him. We have a child and I take her out of the situation/give him a break when he is bad but I rarely get anything in return. When there are times to be celebrated there is always a dampener put on it because of how ill he thinks he is. I love my husband more than anything but I am struggling with this now and its resulting in constant arguments because he doesn't see my point of view because everything has to be about him. Does anyone live with a partner that suffers with health anxiety and can give me hints and tips on how to cope with it, pleaseeeeee

Is he seeking help for his anxiety?

I don’t have any experience of this but love isn’t enough to stay in an unhappy relationship and constant arguments are creating a bad environment for your daughter to grow up in so if he doesn’t do everything he can to minimise the impact on you and your child you don’t have to stay.

In my experience op this is just a way to ensure his fair share of attention - in competition with your dc. He would seek help with it otherwise, knowing the impact it has on you. I've been there - you will end up resenting him and losing all respect.

No this is the problem. He refuses to seek help because he says its a load of sh*t and won't work. He tried to seek help once and tried CBT and he probably did 3 or 4 calls before giving up. I have told him he is effecting our daughter and I need to protect her from it. He says he doesn't do it in front of her but I point out that if I can come home from work and feel his tension so can she. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore.

This has been going on for years and sounds like a form of control. You have your daughter to think of.

If he won't seek help, you only have two options; carry on as you are or split up.

Frizzbeol. Did you partner have health anxiety? Does this sound similar, are you still together? Resentment is already there. I had great news the other day and was so happy about it and wanted to celebrate but no, he sulked around and didn't even try to be happy, my happiness lasted all of 10 minutes

My oh suffers from anxiety, every few years I threaten to leave him unless he sorts it out. He has CBT and uses mindgym.

It’s exhausting having to deal with someone that has no resilience

So you are meant to just put up and shirt up?

No amount of love would make me accept this situation. He wants you to suffer along with him.

The resentment will only build if things stay the same. You need to let him know that it's getting to breaking point now.

My heart goes out to you. This sounds so difficult for you.

It is a bit easier for me as I have medical training. Even so, I did find going with him to doctors and listening to his symptoms and re-iterating what the gp said was helpful. Do his symptoms change or is it the recurring same issue?

My DH had a recurring worry. He had been reassured about it 2 times at gp over past few years. Recently took him to a screening event by a charity where a specialist spoke to him and I think that helped.

If his symptoms last a short time and are different each time and he has seen the gp about these, then reassure him, do things to take his mind off his symptoms.

Bigpainting I have done the same which is when he went and tried CBT. I said the other day that I can't do another 10 years of this and he needs to sort it out. His response was we have to get through this new Health anxiety before he will do that but he has already lined up his new Health problem so even once these tests (yet again) show he is fine we are onto the next one before this one has even finished.
If I try to reassure him I am no doctor, if I just listen and nod I don't care because I am not saying anything or I do think its bad because I am not saying anything. Then I live in fear of one day him being right, that there is something wrong and |I have dismissed him. I feel like banging my head against a brick wall.

I have done this too Namenic. Funnily enough he won't let me in with him to his appointments. They are new symptoms every time. He will have an ache and pain be convinced its a tumour etc, it will take months of tests and doctors trips for him to accept its not the case and then we will maybe have one or two months respite before the next symptoms arises. It infuriates me as its a waste of NHS resources as well

He's being selfish not seeking help (for his sake and his families). I suffer with health anxiety and it can be terrifying! My DH is very supportive but I do feel for him sometimes. I tried CBT and it wasn't effective for me but talking therapy (counsellor) was great. I was also prescribed Sertraline which worked wonders! I've been off all meds for nearly 2 years and feeling good as I'm on top of things.

There is help out there, it's just a case of trying different things until he find the one that works for him. However, he needs to want the help and be proactive about seeking it out. It's not fair of him to allow this to take over his and your lives without trying to sort it out.

You can also seek help for yourself to help you deal with the impact his illness has on you but he has to be the one to sort himself out and if he doesn't, then you have a difficult decision to make x

Thanks each2. Do you have the same worry or is it different worries each time? He has done talking therapy and he said the question they ask are not in relation to health anxiety just anxiety so doesn't help him. I have asked for him to see a counselor face to face.
How does your husband deal with it, are their support groups for people living with someone with Health anxiety? I have looked but can't find anything which is why I posted here in the end

@325563354adrvgf it's not the same worry all the time, you worry about EVERY little ache and pain and ALWAYS imagine the worst. You can have a simple cough (could be lung cancer), a headache (brain tumour), pain in your chest (heart attack). You're prone to catastrophising and can't help it. It really is an illness. I do feel for your DH as it's frightening and exhausting having these thoughts and worries constantly, they feel uncontrollable.

He definitely needs to see a counsellor face to face and he needs to stick with it. The counsellor can't 'cure' your anxiety, they help you rationalise your thoughts but that doesn't happen over 1/2 sessions, it's a process. Them asking question he perceives to be unrelated to his anxiety are all part of the process in helping him to understand and deal with his thoughts and feelings.

He also needs to be willing to help himself and not just rely on others. He could be doing breathing techniques when his anxiety is heightened, this will help calm his mind and body by slowing his heart rate. If he isn't on medication then I would recommend he see his GP and explain how he's feeling and how it's impacting on his daily life and his relationships. They will probably prescribe an appropriate medication (these generally take up to 3 weeks to get into your system before you feel the benefit so shouldn't be stopped or written off to soon).

There aren't any support groups for partners that I'm aware of but you can self refer for counselling of your own to talk through how you are feeling. Ask your GP for details of services in your area if google isn't throwing anything up.

My DH is just very reassuring when I'm stressing about something (his reassurance doesn't make me feel any better to be honest). I think because I was actively trying to help myself he could see that I was trying and was really supportive and understanding on my bad days.

I really hope he gets the help he needs as he doesn't have to suffer the way he is and nor do you if you want to ask anything else then please do x

I just don't know how to deal with it anymore
Yes you do.
Please protect your DD from this.
It's an awful way to live, for all of you.
The fact he won't seek help is the biggest deal-breaker here.
He gets help or he fucks off.
There must be some coping strategies on line???
Change the subject every time he brings up something to do with his health?
Walk away maybe?
Tell him you don't want to hear it.
Record him.
Just don't put up with it.
Ultimately though, you need to protect your DD which will mean leaving if he can't sort his shit out!

Sorry, but I couldn't live like this, he's being totally selfish. If he cared about you and his daughter he would seek help. I agree with a pp, change the subject or walk away. If he still refuses to get help, walk away for good.

This is exactly what he is like. He has god knows how many heart attacks, brain tumors, numerous tumors in other areas of his body, skin cancer, lung cancer, you name it, he has had it and I have spent countless times at the hospital with his. I try to be supportive and reassure but it gets to the point that its all we talk about and we just go round and round in circles its so exhausting. I have always been a happy positive person but I feel like this is slowly being drained out of me day by day.
When we had our daughter I had a horrendous birth, afterwards I had to look after him, I am becoming so resentful, so resentful.
He is on medication but always stops that when he feels better.
I don't want to leave I just want him to sort himself out for the sake of our daughter if he can't do it for me and him.....otherwise for her sake I really am going to have to walk away

Sorry should have proof read that

His anxiety sounds really severe! Unfortunately you can't force him to sort himself out and if he isn't willing to accept help and continue with any treatment then the best thing for you and your daughter may be to walk away (as hard as that might be) for your own sanity. I'm sorry you're in this situation, it is really difficult but you need to think of yourself and DD x

My husband was exactly like this..it built up over a few yrs. Then 3 yrs ago it came to a head. He was getting worse and worse, visiting multiple doctors with minor ailments. We have 3 kids and all he could see was hinself. His health anxiety was caused by a build of of lots of other fears and stresses not really his health. But that was the symptom. I promised myself to wait for a calm time when he was good. Then I explained the way he was, how his fears were unrealistic and how they were affecting me and the kids. It was a goid talk and he agreed when he had another episode we would both go to the doctor for help. Soon after he had a really bad episode..full blown panic attacks. It took 3 months for him to go o lexapro..he fought it big time. He could heal himself etc etc. He also went to a therapist once a week sometimes twice a week for 9 months. She got him to deal with past issues that had now culminated in tge way he was behaving. He worked really hard at it. I had to go with him jointly. It was good shd helped point out how his behaviour affected everyond. It was like she held up a mirror to him. That was 3 yrs ago now. He is a new man, almost gone to the opposite extreme health wise. So please it can be done. Get help. Makd a deal with him like a contract, that he goes to the doc. And for help not CBT. Good luck

He needs a full Mental Health assessment. Has he been diagnosed with Health Anxiety or is he a hypochondriac? The two are very different. Health Anxiety is debilitating, the anxiousness is very real and awful place to be in. If your DH chooses not to see anyone simply tell him to get on with it but to dragging everyone else down with it.

Can I also just point out people who genuinely have Health Anxiety do not use it as a way of getting their own way, in my experience this is attention seeking controlling. Those who genuinely have it suffer in silence. Your DH is using it to control you and is sucking the life out of you and your daughter. If he was as ill as he makes out he would not even be able to go to work and function daily. I guarantee he does not behave this way with anyone else other than you @325563354adrvgf

I disagree with Sunflowers211 in saying that 'Those who genuinely have it suffer in silence'. This is a sweeping statement and not the case for many, thankfully.

Anxiety disorders are devastating to the sufferer and they often seek reassurance from those closest to them in times of total despair (even though it probably won't change how they feel). Not knowing your OH I wouldn't make any judgement on whether or not he is being 'attention seeking' or 'controlling', although I suspect not. Any mental health disorder causes the sufferer to become selfish and focus only on themselves, it's a symptom of the condition, not a choice.

Likewise the comment 'If he was as ill as he makes out he would not even be able to go to work and function daily' again, not necessarily true. I only ever had 2 weeks off work in the 18 months that I was suffering badly and that was because my panic attacks prevented me leaving the house. Keeping up a normal daily routine was a struggle but manageable, and healthy.

No he has never been diagnosed. My mum would describe him as a hypochondriac, he would describe himself as having health anxiety. Tonight alone I have had his stomach hurts his back hurts he has cancer and its spread all over and he is ignoring me because i camy give him an answer. I have had a door slammed i my face and he has stopped over in bed telling me his upset.. god help me

He is now sleeping soundly next to me. Surely if he was this stressed about how he was feeling he would not be able to sleep so quickly (5 mins) and deeply?

Ok... so I do have experience of this but with no decent advice. My ex has health anxiety, and I genuinely felt for him as I had it myself. I found that nothing worked! If I were very caring and talked about health for hours, it would just drag on forever. If I told him that he needed help from a professional, not from me, he would think I didn't care. I was bored of talking about illness, and the dwelling on making life changes (cutting out dairy or wheat, or caffeine or alcohol). It sounds horrible, but I started to feel annoyed with him. All the time.

I hope your DH gets the help he needs.