Living with a partner with Health anxiety...HELP

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Hi all. I have been with my husband for 10 years now and throughout the whole relationship he has had health anxiety, sometimes things are good but the majority things are so hard. The constant self diagnosis and always thinking every little ache or pain is terminal is really taking its toll. I am becoming resentful that nothing is ever about me and always about him. We have a child and I take her out of the situation/give him a break when he is bad but I rarely get anything in return. When there are times to be celebrated there is always a dampener put on it because of how ill he thinks he is. I love my husband more than anything but I am struggling with this now and its resulting in constant arguments because he doesn't see my point of view because everything has to be about him. Does anyone live with a partner that suffers with health anxiety and can give me hints and tips on how to cope with it, pleaseeeeee

Hello
I have ( had) health anxiety. I am much better now , but it is a terrible thing to suffer from. He needs proper help , therapy and regular meds potentially if he has health anxiety . There are also forums where he could talk to other sufferers.
For me , I had to really get a grip of what is a true symptom and what is not. I do believe you can recover from this. He has to want to. His 'symptoms' seem a bit outrageous and he shouldn't take it out on you.

This is hard for you to deal with , I know it was hard for my family. Wish you the best.

I wonder what purpose his health anxiety, and the way it affects YOUR behaviour, has?

You can’t chamge him but what happens if you totally change the way you react? And do the opposite of what you normally do?

The NHS really should start charging for appointments bloody hell!

Thanks everyone for your help..I have come to the conclusion that he just doesn't want help. I dont know if it really is genuine anymore (maybe partly) or if it is some sort of control over me as he really likes to put me on the guilt trip, and that is when we have discussed it every day for hours hours and I dont want to anymore. We spoke last night (he has an appt today) and he said if he gets the all clear (he will as he has already been told its nothing) that he already has another pain so it's not over. I was given some bad news about a family member yesterday (inoperable brain tumour) and it was completely ignored with the response I thought he was ok....well I am telling you now he isn't. Then it was back to him being ill, no hug, no are you ok, nadar. I got more attention from my glass of gin..I think I have a lot of thinking to do. I appreciate everyone's responses and advice

I've had HA for years. When it takes its grip its very debilitating and I feel it's not something I can ev7get over.

However, I dont parade it about like your DH. There does seem to be a narcissistic element to his anxiety. When mine flares upto its worst , i tell DH my symptoms I case I die suddenly and he has to tell the hospital my symptoms, I take myself of to the spare room and read, watch tv, jigsaws etc out the way, whatever takes my mind off my issues. Doesn't always work but I have stopped googling.

My DH is pretty good. Yes, he's probably fed up, but he firmly tells me not to give it head space, to stop talking about it. And he is firm. I mean, I cant have lung cancer, a brain tumour, dementia, a blood clot, heart disease and the start of MS all at the same time, and he makes me see I'm being irrational.

My advise is to be firm, and stop the conversation dead dont allow him to wallow in his ailments. It's not good for him and certainly not for you. Walk away to another room but dony engage in long talks, allowing him to rant on and on. However I suspect he actually enjoys thinking he has a serious illness. He's enjoying the whole dynamic of everything being about him. That's a whole different issue.

Thanks I will try to do that, although I suspect I will be accused of not caring when I do. It's good to hear from people that have experienced this personally and how it makes you feel, I am grateful to you for sharing. I have said to him I feel like he almost enjoys/wants to be ill as it's all he/we ever talk about (then felt guilty for saying it) I am so tired of it 😥. I can honestly say this has been non stop for the last 3 years, with maybe a month here or there where he has been ok. We will see what today brings after his appointment, I suspect not a great deal. I am already dreading him returning to start on the next pain he already has lined up 😥

Those who genuinely have it suffer in silence.

This is not true. Otherwise the criteria for diagnosing the condition would include this!

The actual criteria for Illness Anxiety Disorder state:

A. Preoccupation with fears of having, or the idea that one has, a serious disease based on the person's misinterpretation of bodily symptoms.
B. The preoccupation persists despite appropriate medical evaluation and reassurance.
C. The belief in Criterion A is not of delusional intensity (as in Delusional Disorder, Somatic Type) and is not restricted to a circumscribed concern about appearance (as in Body Dysmorphic Disorder).
D. The preoccupation causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
E. The duration of the disturbance is at least 6 months.
F. The preoccupation is not better accounted for by Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, a Major Depressive Episode, Separation Anxiety, or another Somatoform Disorder.

This is a serious mental health problem and it sounds as if your husband needs to see a psychiatrist - although it is often very difficult to get the person to agree to an assessment.

To be honest, your GP should have raised this after so many consultations and referrals.

Also what I have noticed from you all is you all have the same diagnosis, he has had all of yours Skiddley. So I would guess he is genuine but I get the feeling he enjoys the attention he gets from it. He is also always on google even when I ask him to stop it's because I think its serious

You know that you aren't obliged to stay married to someone who makes your life miserable. I know you love him but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your entire life to his problems. He won't take it seriously and get help so why are you still there?

One thing I've worked out is that often the real pain (and I say pain, more of an ache) is real but is brought on by the HA. So, I started getting a weird pain in my head and of course I then got it a lot. I would wake up, wondering if the pain was away, then it would appear and be intermittent throughout the day. Repeat for months in end. But DH at this point would take me for long walks on the beach and I started to notice I didn't have the pain on my walks ... this started a cycle of positive thinking and soon the pain in my head wasn't there.

MyvDH is very firm in saying he does care . By refusing to engage with me talking about it for ages he is trying to prevent those HA thoughts invading my brain and taking over my thinking. However I suspext that that might not work on your DH - he seems entrenched in a cycle of HA thoughts. Hope you have a good day with him and that the doctors appt brings only a happy outcome for him mood

I know I dont have to stay. I am staying for love and the hope that he loves and cares me and dd enough to do something to help himself. Like I have said if he really will do nothing to help himself then of course I will have to walk away for my dd not even for me

Skiddley this is exactly what happens. He wakes up waiting for that pain/ache as you say so it appears again

Dear OP,

He needs to go to someone who specialises in CBT for anxiety - this is often a health professional working in mental health, but they can sometimes be found in general departments - psychiatrists will definitely know where they are and will refer him on - your GP may also know of someone.

The problem with general CBT is that the practioners are sometimes inexperienced in health anxiety and don't actually go ferreting for specifics or give 'homework' experiments and then check they are done. And if they haven't been done, digging into the why. There are specific explanations of the disorder mechanism (as they apply to him personally) that need to be gone through too.

This is affecting his life and his relationships - and he's at the point where he should be challenging and testing his beliefs - but that takes personal and specific help.

This is not your problem to fix, and detaching from it and refusing to participate in it may drive him to seek the help he needs. Tell him that by giving reassurance, you actually drive the problem, and so you will not be discussing it further - Skiddley's husband has the right attitude here. Reassurance and talking about the symptoms is what he is seeking, it is his 'drug of choice' (the brain biochemistry is similar). So it temporarily makes him feel better, but then something else will come up, or the 'peptide hit' wears off, so he needs another 'fix'. Like any drug - it isn't the solution.

Good luck, OP, I hope your GP can get him to the right place

Update. He got the all clear like I knew he would, apparently I wasnt happy enough that he wasnt going to die 😤.
He has promised to book a doctors appointment for us both to go to so he can get help, he promised he would book it when he got home but didn't so I will give him the benefit if the doubt and wait for him to do it Tuesday. Thanks for all your help, hopefully he will start to sort himself out.

Hi OP - does your husband work?
I ask this as if he is able to hold down a job, work with others he is able to control this.
I really feel for you.
I think he is abusive. Why the hell did he stoop over the bed.
Really I think he’s abusive.
Is he this extreme with his mother, his friends.
Is he like this when your out or is your life limited because of him.
What’s he like with his daughter - is he loving and attentive - can he give her any time when it’s about her.
Seriously if he’s able to hold down a job - he has control over it.
Why do you love him?
What does he offer?

Hi..he does have a full time job and never takes time off sick. He socialises fine too. He talks to his parents about it and they try to reassure but he does not talk to friends about it and he certainly does not talk to parents in the way he does me.
I dont let him stop me or daughter do anything. This last year I have really put my foot down with that and my dd and I have gone off on our own (even holiday) without him, even though i do get the guilt trip. Yes it has stopped me doing stuff before to support him out of guilt from him or even me.
I love him because when he isn't wrapped up in this he can be an excellent husband and father, just this does consume a lot of his time at the moment and isn't the husband and father he can be. I am losing the attraction to him over the last year because of it where as normally I fancy the pants off him. He is the only man I have ever loved which is why I dont want to just get up and walk away,,,in sickness and in health shouldn't it be?

He told you you weren't happy enough at the good news? Sorry, but that's really crappy. He is so self absorbed that he really doesn't care about anyone but himself . His issues are not just HA, he is narcissistic too. You've had 10 years of this behaviour, with good times in there to, I know, and I'm not going to tell you to LTB because that is drastic and frankly, not always an option for everyone for various reasons but i think short sharp shock treatments from you are needed if you want to continue. Everytime he starts wallowing, walk away or change the conversation. Everytime he accuses you of not caring enough or being happy enough, walk away. Dont engage at all in HA talk as its fuelling his narcissistic issues. He can cope every day at work without indulging his anxiety with his co workers, and at social events with friends, he needs to extend you the same courtesy. You need to think about your own health, like and daughter,,s wellbeing.

I have health anxiety and it has pushed my relationship with dp to the edge. He used to be sympathetic but he is now cold and unresponsive even when there is a genuine cause for concern. It has affected his mental health. I have lost count of the amount of counselling (didn't work) ive had and I've been on medication for about 10 years which does take the edge off.

I was also diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and last year I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

I was referred for group therapy and despite being sceptical it has been the only thing to help me. My DP tries but he doesn't understand, he can't, it's crazy and irrational and absolutely all consuming. When i sat in a room full of people who understood because they get it too it was like an epiphany. You listen to somebody tied up in knots about sonething and your like, come on now you're being mental, but you get it, you know the abject terror and inability to control their emotions and how crippling it is. I KNOW when I'm having a meltdown it is affecting my dp and dd but once I've got into that state I can't see it, i can't see or think about anything else and I know its selfish beyond measure. What the group therapy has allowed is for me to step back from myself and say come on now, you're being mental and it helps me out of the pit.

My DP has nearly walked away several times and deep down I know he would have left if it wasn't for my DD. I adore him and I'm so grateful he has stayed things have got better but it took me years to get appropriate help, there simply aren't the resources. It wasn't for the want of trying. CBT was absolutely useless for me.

OP you must protect your own mental health , and if that means being hard on your dh then do it, he cannot use you as a crutch. I did that to do and it wore him down. He just won't indulge me anymore and I know this, it forces me to take more control myself

I agree with everything skiddley says actually.

Anxiety of any kind is an illness but it is an illness that strips you of reason and it makes you narcissistic. Yeah you can't help that but it doesn't give you carte Blanche to totally disregard other people

Sorry OP - just seen your question. I don't think it was anxiety as such. He was an abusive piece of crap anyway. I think he managed to convince himself that he was ill as that coveniently fitted in with his need to focus on himself despite having two young kids. It allowed him to opt out essentially and lay in bed, not bath the kids, etc. because he wasn't feeling well. Try working full time and running around after two children while he's upstairs in bed on his phone because he's 'too ill to lift his arms'. Narcissistic, selfish and totally unfair. I think you know it as well op. Sorry he's let you both down. Oh and I threw him out 3 years ago now. Don't regret it for a second.

Look he’s coping fine at work so it is something he can control. He’s abusive to you.
You will cope well without him.

Sounds the same Fizz. I have the same, I am the one up every morning the one trying to stick to a routine (that he wont stick to) cooking bathing bed while he sits on the sofa or lays in because he is far too I'll to parent

Mary1935 I cope at work amazingly well. I cope in front of others - I'm the calm one when shit hits the fan. At home Im an absolute wreck!!

This is really extreme attention-seeking behaviour on his part I think. He seems to constantly have to make you concerned and worried about him in order to believe that you actually care about him.

he is also a responsibility-dodger isn't he? Far too ill to parent? No he isn't - he's just doing everything he can to make sure that the attention is on him.

Did he ever suffer a prolonged illness as a child? Did he ever find that the only way to get loving attention from his parents was when he was ill? What is his relationship like with his parents?

Update. We are back to square one. He got the all clear and as predicted the next "pain" he had lined up is consuming him/us again. He did book a doctors appt for himself like I asked but he wasnt happy when I told him I was going and the deal was the appt was for us