stay or go? Possible aspergers, intense and past aggression....

[Kstratf6]

So two years ago when my daughter was 5 months old my husband grabbed me by throat aggressively because I wasn't paying him enough attention as my daughter had a milk allergy and I was beside myself trying to figure out what was wrong with her...he had also been pretty unsupportive during the pregnancy and verbally aggressive a few times due to stress at work etc...When he grabbed me by throat while he was holding my baby daughter something in me checked out and its never come back.

He also has OCD in terms of ordiliness but since attending counselling myself my counsellor has highlighted its more likely he has high functioning aspergers, he is massively obsessive over certain topics, intense and exhausting and I am completely broken as I'm not able to get any chilled time at home and my job is also intense. I started drinking every night to take the sadness away but I realise I can't go on like this but am scared to separate and then realise I've made a mistake or have to share custody and not see daughter half the week...anyone been in similar situation?

Grabbing a woman by the throat is one of the strongest indicators that a man will seriously harm or kill their partner. You need to call support services and get away from him as quickly as possible. Don't wait another day. Don't allow your child to be raised in such a scary, dysfunctional environment.

It would NOT be a mistake to separate.

It would be a mistake to stay.

Stop drinking. Get on with separating as safely as you can. Ask your counsellor for help separating.

Do you know how you would go about separating?

Thanks. He hasn't been aggressive since but I've emotionally checked out and can't see a way back....

I agree, this is a very dangerous man and I dont care how long he can keep up his 'nice' facade, this abuse will escalate (read up on the abuse cycle - idealise, devalue, discard,) because it always keep repeating. Men like this do not change, ever and you are risking your life if you stay.

There are NO justifications for what he did and it certainly has nothing to do with Aspergers etc. Has he actually been diagnosed or is this just a way he tries justify his behaviour?

You really need to ring womens aid and seek some support or go to local local womens centre. They are often just drop in services.

Also, do the freedom programme (online or through local womescentre) and read Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that". It will tell you everything you need to know about abusive men like your partner and how to reduce the risk of harm when you leave him.

Your counsellor isn't qualified to 'diagnose' aspergers in your partner and it was unprofessional.of her to suggest it.

Armchair diagnoses from unqualified people are irritating to read on here but can be dangerous in real life.

It omwouldnt be wrong to leave someone who is physically aggressive towards you and makes you unhappy.

The counsellor didn't diagnose him, she/he said he is likely showing traits of autism, which are fairly well known and easy to spot

Thanks, windmill. I am autistic, I understand how it works.

But when people offer a possible explanation for poor behaviour, such as autism, people in the OP's position try to find ways of accepting that behaviour into their lives when they should be working out how to remove it.

It takes more than being obsessive and a bit intense to be diagnosed with an ASC.

Even if he is HFA, that doesn't mean the OP has to accept it.

I don't care whether he has aspergers or OCD. He grabbed you by the throat in front of your baby. Why didn't you leave then?

It would be a mistake not to separate from such an abusive man. What you are describing here is domestic violence and being grabbed by the throat is a very red flag re this. Pregnancy and birth are two common occasions for an abusive man to really further ramp up the power and control against their chosen target.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what would staying within this teach her about same?. C'mon, do not do this to her or yourself. You deserve better than this. Your marriage is over anyway because he is abusive towards you and in turn your child. You would not want her as an adult to be grabbed by the throat and its not a good enough relationship for you either.

Do you also think that such an abusive man would at all want to be bothered with his child post separation?. He is more likely than not to use this child as punishment against you for having the utter gall in his eyes to leave him. He in all likelihood will make it as hard as possible for you to separate from him but its still no reason to stay with such a man. There is no excuse or justification whatsoever for his abuses of you and in turn your child . I would urge you to contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations and seek their help and support to leave.

I also know how it works, I'm a therapist.

Offering a possible explanation isn't done so as prerequisite to accepting behaviour, but rather understanding what may be going on. It's up to the client what they do with that information. Any qualified, professional therapist is not going to advocate staying in an abusive relationship.

Thanks for all your messages. I guess the reason I have struggled with the decision is he is actually really good now with my daughter and as he has not been abusive in almost two years and it wasn't like it was happening all the time I've given him a chance....but now emotionally I've checked out and anything he says/does just annoys me especially because he is so obsessive. Also with money we have completely split finances but I work part time (4 days) and so earn less but pay half of everything, he pays slightly more for food but he eats more and yet I was getting emails constantly telling me how much he pays compared to me...I've put a stop to that and told him I don't want anymore emails...He's also as of 2 weeks ago agreed to go to counselling with me as I said how unhappy I am but I don't know if I've gone past the point for that to be helpful...

You don't have to justify why you have checked out. There's no checklist for reasons to split. Just wanting out is enough. It's quite obvious his behaviour (the violence and not being fair financially) plays a role.

You are unhappy and want to explore your future. Therapy can help you clarify in your mind what you want. You don't have to go to couple counselling if you are unsure of going with him, you could go to your own counsellor.

I hope you start to feel better soon. Take care.

@windmillwhirl thanks for your message. I have been seeing my own counsellor which is when the undiagnosed aspergers conversation came up and it threw me into a whole new world of confusion as then I felt that I should try and be more understanding regarding his behaviours (not the agression) but more the rigid/ordiliness and lack of empathy. Do you think couples counselling can hep if I am feeling so checked out?

He is not good with your daughter if he treats you as her mother like this. Make no mistake here, what he is doing now is still abusive in nature towards you. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here from the two of you?. Do not stay also and simply because of your child, she will not say thanks mum to you for doing that to her. Would you want your child to have a relationship like this, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either. What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up, did your dad treat your mother similarly?.

Do not undertake joint counselling with such a man but counselling by yourself would be helpful. Joint counselling is in any case a non starter here because of the abuse he has and continues to mete out against you. He is not interested in any form of counselling and has only paid this lip service to keep you quiet.

No decent counsellor would ever want to see you in the same room and you are not safe emotionally to undertake any joint sessions with him. You should also not be paying half of everything either even though you are earning far less.

What Atilla said.

"I have been seeing my own counsellor which is when the undiagnosed aspergers conversation came up and it threw me into a whole new world of confusion as then I felt that I should try and be more understanding regarding his behaviours (not the agression) but more the rigid/ordiliness and lack of empathy"

Do not go down this route, that way more unhappiness lies. A lack of empathy here in him is a huge red flag too and is someone you need to get away from. Your counsellor in my view should never have mentioned any form of ASD with regards to your H in the first place, it was unprofessional of this person to do this and it makes me wonder just how helpful this person has been to you anyway. There remains no justification or excuse for his abuses of you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

I actually doubt he is anywhere on the autistic spectrum; he is certainly disordered of thinking and certainly feels entitled to act the ways he has and continues to do with you. He put his hands around your throat whilst you were holding your daughter, this is an inherently violent and thus dangerous individual to be around. His actions are about power and control and his lack of empathy is also chilling.

You do not want your Dd growing up thinking that yes, this is how men and women treat each other in relationships. Do not stay because or for your child because that is not an easier option at all for you or your DD. There is no guarantee either that he would never put his hands around your throat again.

What is his own family background OP, that would give you more clues.

Listen to atilla

Thanks for your messages.
My own family background is that I have never met my father, grew up with just my mum and older brothers and sister until I was 11 when my mum met my step dad who is actually lovely but as a child I didn't accept him until I was about 17 as had been used to having mum all to myself. My mum is very loving now but growing up she was quite depressed and worked as much as she could to provide for us, I respect her for this but I have spoken to her about my situation and she thinks I am making a mountain out of a mole hill and almost has the attitude that if I'm not being beaten up then I should make it work for my daughter...although she has changed her view slightly since she first said that and I think now if I left she would be more supportive.

My husband was brought up in a very religious family and had a strict upbringing, they were very young when they had him and he says had no love/support from his dad and talked of him being violent however his mother denies this! However his mother seems to turn a blind eye to a lot of things. His dad also had affairs, and tried to kill himself at one point, I've been told he is bipolar. They also have a very rigid routine/lifestyle. However they have my daughter once a week and are very good with her. His mum also has always checked in with me since we've been married and asked how her son (my husband) is and when I've told her things in the past she has been very empathetic and like its not really a surprise. She says he has always been difficult!

So there we go...two dysfunctional upbringings!

Offering a possible explanation isn't done so as prerequisite to accepting behaviour, but rather understanding what may be going on. It's up to the client what they do with that information

But it's irrelevant, surely, what the underlying cause is. If someone is in an abusive relationship, should they really be counselled to understand why their partner is behaving in that way?

it threw me into a whole new world of confusion as then I felt that I should try and be more understanding regarding his behaviours

There you go, my point exactly.

@TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower Yes I agree it hasn't been particularly helpful as the behaviour is the behaviour and it doesn't matter what label is put on it and all its ended up doing is adding another element of confusion at a time when I really didn't need anymore!

You deserve better OP
Staying with him will not make his behaviour towards you any better.

You do not have to life this life. Choose the life you want with peace of mind and financial security(you have none with this man).

Being with someone like this makes you doubt yourself, blame yourself and really none of this is your fault.

Please don't waste anymore time trying counselling to try and fix the unfixable.

Plan you exit and do not tell him that you are doing it. Keep your plans to yourself. Good Luck OP

Kstratf6

I stayed in a relationship with an autistic man for far longer than I should have done because I felt I couldn't just walk away as it was his traits - or rather the conflict between his traits and mine and his reaction to that - that were causing the problems. E.g. he sought my company constantly whereas I need a lot of time to myself and became verbally abusive and would message me hundreds of times a day if I said I couldn't see him. Otherwise, we were 'perfect' for each other.

It took a NT friend to say to me, "it doesn't matter that you understand why he is behaving this way. It's an abusive relationship and the effect on you is the same as it would be if it were any other abusive relationship. What is important is not why he is doing it but the impact it has on you". And he was right. So I ended it.

That doesn't mean I think your husband is autistic because, from the little you've said, there's nothing to suggest that he is.

My point is that, it doesn't matter what the reason is. It's having a negative impact on you and this is your one life.

More than that, there is nothing you can do to help it. No counselling is going to improve your relationship. He is, at best, unable and at worst, unwilling, to behave any differently. So what you have now is the best you're going to get.