stay or go? Possible aspergers, intense and past aggression....

[Kstratf6]

So two years ago when my daughter was 5 months old my husband grabbed me by throat aggressively because I wasn't paying him enough attention as my daughter had a milk allergy and I was beside myself trying to figure out what was wrong with her...he had also been pretty unsupportive during the pregnancy and verbally aggressive a few times due to stress at work etc...When he grabbed me by throat while he was holding my baby daughter something in me checked out and its never come back.

He also has OCD in terms of ordiliness but since attending counselling myself my counsellor has highlighted its more likely he has high functioning aspergers, he is massively obsessive over certain topics, intense and exhausting and I am completely broken as I'm not able to get any chilled time at home and my job is also intense. I started drinking every night to take the sadness away but I realise I can't go on like this but am scared to separate and then realise I've made a mistake or have to share custody and not see daughter half the week...anyone been in similar situation?

He's also as of 2 weeks ago agreed to go to counselling with me
Absolutely NOT!
It is never ever ever recommended to have joint counselling with an abuser.
Make no mistake. That is what he is.

You should not be paying half of everything.
But on the flip side I'm glad you aren't totally joined financially.

Please contact Womens Aid.
Do NOT go to joint counselling with him.

I also don't think there is anything to suggest he is autistic.
He's an abusive bully - YES.

Make your exit plan.
With WA if necessary.

But get him gone.

I once was in a 3 year relationship with a man who had Aspergers and OCD and whilst he could be aggressive then he never put his hands on me but due to his Aspergers then the relationship had to be on his terms, I felt like he was emotionally abusive, although at the time I kept making excuses and blaming it on his Aspergers, I now see the truth.

I think you should leave him.

Thanks all for the advice and sharing your experiences. If I didn’t have a child and I didn’t have a house i could just go quite easily but thought of having to share custody and only see my daughter 3.5 days a week is killing me... and I know he would want split. I just need to get myself in the right place to deal with it. Thank you for the support x

Some parents think that they shouldn’t split the family as it would hurt the kids but sometimes staying in an unhappy relationship hurts the kids, I know it’s hard but going mental at you because you weren’t paying him enough attention is so not right and there’s no excuse.

I understand that your in a difficult position but if he goes nuts again then you really have to consider leaving him, I think anyway.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

Please get advice about your rights , so you can make an informed decision.

Thanks all it’s two years since it happened but things have never been right since. I need to make a change soon but need to ensure the best for my daughter too, it’s so hard to know that by looking after myself I then can’t be there for my daughter all the time as men always get split custody these days and she’s only 2 and mummy’s girl. So hard...

I know it’s been two years but he’s the same person and you will always live in fear because you know what he’s capable of if you step out of line.

It might be different if he had been appalled at his actions and got some professional help to work on his controlling behaviour. But I’m guessing he’s not and it’s YOU who has had to change not him.

BTW father’s don’t always get 50:50 residence - many don’t want it because it interferes with their job and social life. They are not willing to organise their life around their child, as women are always expected to do. Also your child is young and I’m assuming that you have always been the main carer.

But you will need legal advice.

BTW I know you are under a lot of stress but please watch your drinking, it’s so easy to let it get out of hand, one glass to wind down becomes half a bottle #been there . And it can end up making you more depressed.

Thanks @olga I did get some legal advice through my work and they said that unless my husband didn’t want my daughter or there was evidence to say he couldn’t then he would get 50:50 and he would definitely try and get that because he had his own business and his parents round RE corner who he knows would take her even if he couldn’t/didn’t want to, plus I know he would do it to spite me cause he knows how my daughter is everything to me. I’ve been working 4 days since she was ten months cause we couldn’t afford for me not to be (according to my husband) even though he can afford two crazy expensive cars! I have my own little banger! Crazy! So in terms of being main carer I don’t know, how is this determined?!

And no he didn’t get professional help and palmed it off as a mistake when I brought it up again, but massively trivialised it.

Go back to your solicitor again.

Even if it does go 50:50 you know he isn't doing it because he wants to see her. That means it won't last long. I predict he will get his mum to do all the care at first then later won't bother much with contact. You say his mum is lovely so your DD will be OK with her. Surely it is worth this short term annoyance to get you both away from him long term?