DP spotted somewhere he shouldn't be

[girlfromspace]

I've namechanged for this

So my friend just told me she saw my DP at a bus stop in a nearby town to us early one morning

She can't remember the morning but it was last week, there is one morning last week i wasn't with him at the time

My partner drives so cant think why he would be at a bus stop

My mind has immediately gone to something untoward, there were issues at the very beginning of our relationship with trust so it's not out of the question

The problem is I have nothing to say when it actually was, she swears it was him but even if he was up to no good it doesn't make any sense why he would be at a bus stop that anyone included me could have seen him at!

I feel sick I have such a bad feeling but what can I do?

He would die before admitting something to me if he thought he could get away with it I know that for sure so there's no point in asking him without anything solid! 😩

Someone once told my aunt is been in her local coffee shop at the weekend. Cue endless cryptic texts from aunt who was seriously annoyed I’d been in her village and not visited her. Once I finally worked out what the heck she was on about, I gave her a blow by blow account of my whereabouts approx 50miles away that day. She finally accepted it was mistaken identity and got cross with the poor lady who made the mistake. Unless your friend actually spoke with your husband and knows 100% for sure that it was him, I’d be inclined to assume it was a mistake.

If she drove past him quickly how sure can she be?!

I remember once somebody had sworn they’d seen me driving around town. It most definitely wasn’t me, I was in bed sick! This was a colleague as well - mistaken identities do happen.

Do you both account for all your time when your not together? Maybe he had a lie in but also popped to the shops, his nan's, or the gym or something on the bus but didn't mention it? I certainly don't tell my husband my whereabouts when we're not together and before we lived together we'd definitely not know if the other would have been on a bus.

They are 100% sure it was him and they know him fairly well

Then you need to ask “ how come Mavis saw you at X bus stop on Tuesday?”

But be prepared she is wrong. I have a double. A friend I saw daily for years was face to face with my double and said “Hi” and it was only when she received a puzzled look that she realised my double had longer hair. Mine couldn’t have grown that much overnight.

Trust is fundamental

If you don't have that....you have nothing

You wouldn't travel by bus for clandestine meetings when you can drive.

My money is on mistaken identity. I know that there is a Guide leader in a nearby town that I resemble enough for several people to approach me as if I'm her. Presumably she gets the same when people think she's me. I'm quite hoping our paths will cross one day

Why are you blaming yourself for his shitty behaviour? He’s he one who’s been caught lying in the past. You feel uneasy because you know he’s capable of dishonesty. Without trust you don’t really have a relationship.

You’re not being cynical or paranoid, he has form. He previously lied, and continued to lie to you until you had firm evidence of his lies.

There’s a reason you don’t trust him. And anyone would feel the same. Plus, he’s been seen somewhere weird.

Don’t twist this so somehow it’s your fault he’s been spotted somewhere which begs a lot of questions.

People have often remarked they thought they saw me somewhere but case of mistaken identity and I've often thought how unreliable people's reported accounts can be and how damaging such errors can be.

Just break up with him, you obviously don't trust him and it is causing you grief. He doesn't need to be with someone who doesn't trust and gets paranoid.

I love how some people on mn act like they are perfect! It must be nice to never feel insecure, to never doubt yourself or someone you love, to never have anxiety problems that manifest themselves in unattractive ways, that little voice in your head that reminds you that anyone could betray you at any point and you can never truly be sure of others integrity.

Sorry but if everyone on earth followed the mn rule of just dump them if you don't 100% trust them or just be single if you have any trust issues whatsoever then nobody would be with anyone! 🙄

I'm proud to be working through my issues, and yes I might have wobbles and yes it's hard to put your trust in another imperfect human but what choice do we all have. Nobody's perfect and nobody's immune to someone betraying them, and if you think that they are then you're in for a hard fall!

How true - I agree with you 100%, @girlfromspace. Good luck with working through this xx

My first thought was that he was waiting for someone to get off the bus. I also suppose he could have walked someone to the bus stop to get home? So your friend's sighting needs more background - was it driving by in the car?

Are you in London/does he use an Oyster card/similar type of card outside London? You can register it online if so and find out previous journeys taken

Instead of feeling like you need to address it as an issue why don't you say something along the lines of "I spoke to X the other day & she was saying she passed you at the bus stop" more of a passing comment. There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying that but you'll feel you're in a position to ever mention his whereabouts because of trust issues at the start.

If he says he wasn't there you just need to leave it but he might give an excuse as to why he was there. You'll know from his reaction if he's panicked. I wouldn't probe unless you're given reason to.

Brazen it out.
'Someone saw you at xx bus stop. They have a picture. So before I jump to wild conclusions why don't you tell me your side of the story?'
His reaction will tell you a lot.

I got a pasting from my ex because one his friends told him I was seen in a lesbian friendly bar (domestic violence, roid rage and homophobia combined do not make for a happy life) one evening.

I wasn't. I didn't even know the place existed. And I've never dated a woman.

But his friend saw me, apparently. And friends can never be wrong...