Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP spotted somewhere he shouldn't be

68 replies

girlfromspace · 21/08/2019 18:45

I've namechanged for this

So my friend just told me she saw my DP at a bus stop in a nearby town to us early one morning

She can't remember the morning but it was last week, there is one morning last week i wasn't with him at the time

My partner drives so cant think why he would be at a bus stop

My mind has immediately gone to something untoward, there were issues at the very beginning of our relationship with trust so it's not out of the question

The problem is I have nothing to say when it actually was, she swears it was him but even if he was up to no good it doesn't make any sense why he would be at a bus stop that anyone included me could have seen him at!

I feel sick I have such a bad feeling but what can I do?

He would die before admitting something to me if he thought he could get away with it I know that for sure so there's no point in asking him without anything solid! 😩

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 21/08/2019 19:50

Would he have been at home with dc when you were working the night shift ?

Original poster
girlfromspace · 21/08/2019 19:54

I think it must have been someone else, it's just such a weird situation if not,m

If it was him, he might have left his car at home as we live quite close to relatives and he might not want to risk it being mentioned that his car wasn't there, but that's a bit far fetched, he could have left it if he didn't want me to see his car somewhere odd as the village he was 'spotted' in is close to my work, but if that was the case why would he stand at a bus stop on a road everyone has to go through to get in the village, possibly drinking so not driving but if you were up to no good and you knew your gf was coming home the next morning and would expect you to be at home in bed why would you risk being somewhere without your car 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm going to just ask him but he will just deny it, which won't settle me much as he has lied to my face before about things and only admitted them when I have had concrete proof

I won't be able to see his bank statement

I just feel really shit now that this little seed of doubt has been planted, I didnt suspect him of cheating before this but I know he's fully capable of lying to me and things haven't been great with us recently so obviously I'm thinking the worst and him saying 'it wasn't me' isn't going to quell my fears really! 😩

OP posts:
AmIThough · 21/08/2019 19:57

Are you sure he wasn't getting his car MOT'd or something stupid?

Sunflowers211 · 21/08/2019 20:00

So what if he was at a bus stop? The issues are yours not your DP. In fact your friend could be wrong, but let's be honest, you cannot dictate or control anybody. You chose to stay with him despite the problems early on. Seriously move on @girlfromspace

EmmaC78 · 21/08/2019 20:00

If I asked a DP a question like that and I assumed he was going to lie in response then I would end the relationship. I can overlook a lot of things but lack of trust is not one of them.

katewhinesalot · 21/08/2019 20:02

I'd keep quiet and keep watching out. If you say something to him he'll just cover his tracks better and you might never find out.

Runbitchrun · 21/08/2019 20:03

If you don’t trust him, why are you with him? Doesn’t sound like a relationship I would want to stay in.

Takemebacktolondon · 21/08/2019 20:04

If he completely denies it you are not going to get very far. He might make up a far-fetched story or act shady. I would ask him outright.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/08/2019 20:06

which won't settle me much as he has lied to my face before about things and only admitted them when I have had concrete proof.

This doesn't sound like a relationship you want to be in whether or not he was at the bus stop.

LeysaV · 21/08/2019 20:13

Perhaps it was his doppelganger

Mydogbruce · 21/08/2019 20:13

I saw a woman once and I walked over to her, absolutely convinced it was my mum, who I see every single day. It was only when I was right upon her I realised it wasn’t my mum.
Ive also has people in the past say to me that they’ve seen me places the previous day and I know beyond I doubt I wasn’t there and it wasn’t me they saw but they had been convinced.

I think cases of mistaken identity like this are pretty common to be honest.

Sebw · 21/08/2019 20:27

Apparently I look like a lab assistant at a local hospital. I have been mistaken for this other person by three random people over a number of years when I was nursing in another hospital, asking when I decided to move into nursing.

I would love to meet this other person. People do have 'doubles'.

Original poster
girlfromspace · 21/08/2019 20:30

@Sunflowers211 he is a free man and he can be wherever he wants to be whenever he wants, exactly the reason why I would be concerned if he was telling me he was at home in bed when he was actually at another random location, there's no reason for him to lie unless it's something untoward

The lies were at the beginning of the relationship and although I'm not making excuses for it I 100% understood why he did it and probably would have done the same myself in the circumstances.

Trust is a big thing for me and I don't really 100% trust anyone. This is something I chose long ago to work on with DP and I am reluctant to throw everything away for what is quite possible a case of mistaken identity.

It's just really shit that I will never know what is true. She swears blind it was him and he says he was at home in bed 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
girlfromspace · 21/08/2019 20:33

I think I just feel so shit because it's like a reminder that anyone no matter how comfortable you are or how sure you are that they're loyal could betray you, my first instinct was not, it defo wasn't him he was at home in bed and I don't think I'm the sort of person who will ever have that mindset, no matter how much I do or don't trust someone and that's a bit shit really :(

OP posts:
isntshelovely11 · 21/08/2019 20:36

I suppose there's so many scenarios that this could be! Some that I immediately thought were

  1. Mistaken identity
  2. He got public transport to see his fancy woman and left his car at home so no-one would question why he wasn't home as his car being absent would be suspicious..
  3. Went out on the night and stayed at a mates cause he was drinking and didn't want to drive.

What time did your friend say she saw him? If it was very early in the morning and it was definitely him then I would lean more towards option 2 because if it was innocent and he was just staying at a mates it wouldn't be a secret, surely he would of mentioned it and maybe stayed at his friends a bit longer to recover from the night before? I would personally mention it in a passing comment to try and trick him into thinking you know something such as saying "oh btw I was just wondering why you wasn't at home the other night without your car? Thought it was a bit odd that you would get the bus from x stop first thing in the morning, care to tell me where you was coming back from??" If he is sneaking around he'd probably assume you know more than you do from that.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2019 20:40

I don't see the point of your relationship, tbh

SignedUpJust4This · 21/08/2019 20:43

I think on some level you know in the back of your mind he is untrustworthy which is why this sighting of him has put you so on edge. If you had 100% faith in him you wouldn't care. He's either hiding something or there are bigger problems in your relationship that you have been avoiding until now.

RonnieScotts · 21/08/2019 20:45

I definitely think it's a case of mistaken identity, however you need to examine why you doubted him so much?

If this was me I'd have chuckled and said to friend 'no, it couldn't have been DP, he was elsewhere at the time, Haha he must have a double!' And never even given it another thought.

You had a very different reaction.

Original poster
girlfromspace · 21/08/2019 20:47

@anyfucker that's fine, It would be impossible to make an accurate judgement on a whole relationship based one one Mumsnet post, maybe there's no point, maybe we'll live happily ever after, maybe I'll take more than a few stumbles you know very little about into account when assessing my whole relationship :)

OP posts:
Original poster
girlfromspace · 21/08/2019 20:51

I agree it's not good that my immediate reaction was something was wrong but I do think that says more about me as a person than him, I have never really trusted anyone and am quite cynical and very likely to jump to worst case scenario, does that mean that I shouldn't try with someone? As far as I know he has never cheated and the lies at the beginning of the relationship in my opinion we're understandable although unfortunate.

I honestly think I would jump to worst case scenario regardless of the other person.m if you see what I mean

OP posts:
RonnieScotts · 21/08/2019 20:57

I have never really trusted anyone and am quite cynical and very likely to jump to worst case scenario

If you recognise this in yourself, then that's a first step, keeping your tendency to jump to the worst conclusion in check is a good start.

Hopefully you can find the balance between being paranoid and forcing yourself to ignore Red flags, because you don't trust yourself not to think the worst!

waltzingparrot · 21/08/2019 21:00

Was your friend driving? Because isn't it likely she had one eye on the road and only had a quick glance at the person.

Yabbers · 21/08/2019 21:02

I had a boyfriend accuse me of cheating because a friend of his swore he’s seen me out with another guy. I hadn’t been there, I was visiting my grandma. He wouldn’t listen. His loss.

ClemDanFango · 21/08/2019 21:02

It’s not just you though is it, you’ve said more than once he will happily lie to you until he’s blue in the face unless you have hard evidence against him. That doesn’t say much about him, his integrity and respect for you. You deserve better than that.

managedmis · 21/08/2019 21:07

Well, you obviously don't trust him at all.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.