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Original poster

Husband secretly drinking

28 replies

Mumwestyorks · 21/08/2019 13:45

Hi
I’m just looming for advice on how to approach this...
I know my husband has not been entirely honest about his booze intake in the past - I’ve walked into the kitchen on odd occasions to find him chugging back a glass despite offering no one else it.
Anyway last night I think he drank a whole bottle secretly....(had a Sainsbury’s delivery yesterday and bottle of wine is missing today. Matching empty bottle by the bins and wine glass in dishwasher).
It’s the secrecy more than anything that bothers me?
He knows I think he drinks too much but I’ve never made a big deal about it because I hate the way he reacts if I ever mention anything. I join him in the odd glass of wine towards the end of the week and weekends.
Anyway, it’s the deceit that is bothering me - what shall I do? He’s been secret about things before - we both quit smoking but he carried on secretly. Recently found that he’s vaping secretly.
Why secretly?
I get that he doesn’t want a row or anything but it hurts that he’s hiding things from me - we’ve been together 16 years and have two little kids.
How shall I play this?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 21/08/2019 13:49

Is his drinking and vaping causing problems. Or is it that you think it's too much?

Original poster
Mumwestyorks · 21/08/2019 13:52

Not causing problems - I guess with both I just worry about his health, especially has he’s dad to two little ones too, but the main thing that’s bothering me is the secrecy....

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumwestyorks · 21/08/2019 13:54

It’s really thrown me that he has managed to have an entire bottle of wine in secret last night...

OP posts:
Parent999 · 21/08/2019 13:56

Im sorry but this is very controlling behaviour. Theres a difference between hiding and not telling you, why does he have to report to you about it? he's a grown man. Is he secretly buying and hiding it? or has he just polished off a bottle of wine and not declared it to you?

LemonAddict · 21/08/2019 13:57

I guess he’s doing it in secret because he can sense your disapproval and disappointment even without you saying anything.... although this comment I get that he doesn’t want a row or anything suggests that you do vocalise your displeasure.

Bunglefromrainbow · 21/08/2019 14:00

From his point of view could he consider that you are "moaning" at him? Even though you know that your intentions are good could he think that you are trying to control too much about his life, taking his freedoms away?

If that's the case he may feel that this is a decent compromise, trying to stop you from being upset and to keep the peace as he doesn't want the confrontation?

If his behaviour is not causing other problems in the relationship other than this trust issue then it's probably a good idea to tell him that you know that it's going on and on reflection you'd prefer that it was in open sight and not just to keep track of it but because you're sorry that you made him feel like he had to hide something. I'd imagine that would also lead to him apologising for keeping it from you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 21/08/2019 14:03

Tbh, it would be the fact that he could drink a whole bottle of wine and you not notice any change in his behaviour that would ring bells for me.

I'd think that his tolerance was high enough that he could sink a bottle of wine without any effects, which would make me think that he was regularly drinking quite a lot.

Unless he drank the bottle over, say, two days.

Herocomplex · 21/08/2019 14:03

Some people like having secrets, it makes them feel powerful. It can be learned in childhood and become a habit.

Some people don’t like feeling controlled, or can’t face arguments.

He’s an adult and can do what he likes within reason, but I think you need to talk, and listen. Good luck.

FuriousVexation · 21/08/2019 14:05

I'm an alcoholic.

If he's not ready to confront the truth and start to change, then he won't.

It doesn't matter how much he loves you or the kids. That doesn't change, but addiction takes over everything.

I love my son more than anything in the world. But when the craving for alcohol came, suddenly nothing mattered any more but drinking.

Please don't think along the lines of "But if you loved us you wouldn't drink!" I love my son immensely but spent a long time kidding myself I could keep drinking and somehow balance that with being a responsible mum. Of course I fucking couldn't, but that's what I wanted to believe. I didn't drink because I didn't love my son. I drank because I was an addict.

You might as well say "But if you loved me you wouldn't have diabetes type 1/depression/ASD/anxiety" etc. It doesn't feel like a choice at that time.

I am now getting help and recovering, and there is a lot of help available on the NHS. But I had to make that appointment at the GP myself, and attend it, and then make a self referral to the addiction support service, etc.

I now go to appointments every week there (groups don't work for me due to social anxiety) and a few weeks ago my counsellor told me "you may be drinking more than you want - but you're still showing up here, and that tells me you want to stop." She said a huge percentage of people turn up for their first appointment and then never come again.

Parent999 · 21/08/2019 14:05

"Matching bottle by the bins and wine glass in the dishwater"

Clearly he is not hiding it at all, stop trying to control the poor guy.

Once again..... were a man to be trying to control his wife like this it would be "leave the bastard."

Original poster
Mumwestyorks · 21/08/2019 14:07

I think I’ve given the impression that drinking is something that bothers me - it totally doesn’t? We used to both drink every night and we both decided we probably drank too much and should try drink less. I just have been able to as I’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding for past couple of years.
But if Iast night he’d have said ‘do you want a glass of wine?’ I’d have probably said yes...?
But instead, he drank in secret...??

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 21/08/2019 14:10

BTW one bottle of wine is nothing to a seasoned drinker. If you know he drank one bottle during the space of 4-6hrs but didn't notice any change in behaviour then I'd say that's cause for concern.

Wine is particularly easy to drink (along with cider, due to its sweetness). At my worst I was drinking 6 bottles of wine over a 24hr period. I could drain a bottle of wine within 30 mins max.

Good luck OP Flowers

Parent999 · 21/08/2019 14:11

So its selfish, but I still dont understand why its secret, just because he didnt report to you about it. If the bottles by the bin and glass in the dishwasher then he's not hiding anything.
I took a pork pie from the fridge last night, I didnt tell anyone because the kids keep taking a bite and then throwing them in the bin. Where does it end OP?

Original poster
Mumwestyorks · 21/08/2019 14:26

Parent999

It’s secret because I was with him all last night except on the odd occasions when I was putting kids to bed. Surely that’s weird and not just ‘not reporting it to me’??

OP posts:
Parent999 · 21/08/2019 14:35

So you know him best and its up to you.
Its an issue for me because this exact same thing happened to me.
In the summer I would take a 4 pack out to the garage while I was chopping logs or cutting the grass. Id finish one or two and then get distracted, or forget about them and go in for dinner. My narcissistic ex claimed I was hiding alcohol around the garden. I very rarely drank and because of the arguments I almost never drank at home for the last couple years of that doomed marriage. She jumped on it like the devil, telling everyone for sympathy and points scoring. I thought it was funny at first so I used to line up the empty's on the kitchen window sill so she could "audit me" What a mistake.
Im just saying, he's a grown man, dont treat him like a child sneaking food from the fridge before dinner. Just ask him to offer you one next time.

53rdWay · 21/08/2019 14:39

Just ask him to offer you one next time.

I don’t think her concern is that he’s hogging all the booze Hmm I think it’s that he has a problem with drinking. Which is a fair concern given that drinking in secret/hiding alcohol consumption from nearest and dearest is a big waving red flag for that one.

Ask him about it directly OP. Share your concerns. If he chooses to react defensively or stomp off in a huff then that’s on him, but you’ll at least know where you stand.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/08/2019 14:39

Sorry, but i think you're overreacting. He didn't hide the bottle or the glass, so there was no secrecy that I can see. Using worrying about his health is one thing, policing what he consumes is another. Especially as you say it's not causing any problems.

AmIThough · 21/08/2019 14:44

I don't think there's that much secrecy - he would have hidden the bottle and washed the glass, surely?

Just ask him if you're worried. Say 'oh I noticed the wine bottle was in the recycling - as if you hogged it all, why didn't I get offered a glass?'
Ask in a jovial way so he doesn't feel like you're getting at him. See how he responds.

I also think he drank it without telling you because he knew you'd disapprove.
Did you go to bed at the same time? And you didn't notice anything about his behaviour or smell it on him!

Parent999 · 21/08/2019 14:46

*53rdWay Wed 21-Aug-19 14:39:16
Just ask him to offer you one next time.

I don’t think her concern is that he’s hogging all the booze hmm I think it’s that he has a problem with drinking. Which is a fair concern given that drinking in secret/hiding alcohol consumption from nearest and dearest is a big waving red flag for that one.

Ask him about it directly OP. Share your concerns. If he chooses to react defensively or stomp off in a huff then that’s on him, but you’ll at least know where you stand.*

Yes this was attitude Im talking about, ignore the facts, ignore the reasonable explanation and belligerently insist the he is hiding it and that if he doesnt like the accusation the belittle him by saying he's "stomping off in a huff"

Try this approach, Im sure it will do your marriage the world of good.

53rdWay · 21/08/2019 14:49

ignore the facts, ignore the reasonable explanation

The facts are that she thinks he drinks too much, and that he’s hiding how much he drinks from her. It is not ‘belligerent’ to think that in most marriages, this warrants a grown-up conversation.

Read carefully, and you’ll notice where in the OP she mentions that he reacts badly when she’s tried to bring this up previously.

I get that you’re angry at your ex, Parent999, but not every woman in the world is her and not every situation is like yours. Ease it off a bit.

heartyrebel · 21/08/2019 15:00

My ex once drank a bottle of whiskey while out in the garage faffing around.

He hid is drinking because it was a problem and he knew he had a problem with it. They use you as an excuse for nagging or whatever, but mone is a very real alcoholic

Whatisthisfuckery · 21/08/2019 15:09

My alcoholic ex would drink in secret. I would share a bottle of wine with him but he’d be having more when I wasn’t looking/popped to the loo etc.He’s completely ruined his health now, lost his job, lost his mobility, the lot.

My ex is an extreme example but with my experience I would certainly be worried about sneaking booze when nobody else was around. OP you won’t get to the bottom of this unless you are both open and honest with each other. If he’s doing it because he thinks he’ll get grief then you need to trust him to do what’s right for him. If you go all judgy and give him a hard time then you’ll never get a clear picture of what’s going on. If he’s ostensibly open then you do catch him out sneaking drink in secret then you know you’ve got a problem drinker on your hands. He might not be anything like that, but you both need to be honest and tolerant, otherwise you’ll always be worrying and he’ll be sneaking around making you suspicious, and that is not a healthy state for any relationship to be in.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 21/08/2019 23:00

He probably feels judged. I'm in the same boat - I like a drink, and drink more than my partner who I know will judge me so I try and hide it and drink surreptitiously.. don't be that person. Tell him you found the evidence, and that he's an adult and it's up to him how much he drinks, tell him tjat you are not his keeper and next time to offer you a glass too! Problem solved.

Wolfiefan · 21/08/2019 23:04

A bottle of wine in one go is a massive binge. If he’s downing glasses in the kitchen to avoid you knowing about it then it shows he’s drinking too much.
You can’t control his drinking or smoking. Just your reaction.

Watchingthyme · 21/08/2019 23:33

I don’t know how people don’t understand. He drank a bottle of wine. And she didn’t even know he had.

Yes that’s odd. That means he was only drinking when you were doing bath time. And or when going to the loo. To tidy up etc.

He didn’t stand in front of her with a glass of wine in his hands at any point. Which is a big flag. Because I used to do that exactly,

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