Help me understand my wife

[LonelySadHubby]

Hi, First time caller and all that!

I'm a male and seeking some female insight if i may.
My wife and i have become increasingly distant, and whilst this has been recognised on both parts - we are seeking counselling together, at my behest - there is an issue i am struggling with.
I apologise in advance for the possible garbled account of things.

I have always been one to maintain our relationship remains in our bubble, to protect it from outside influence and to ensure its is my priority. For the last 6 months or so, i've noted my wife has been texting a close mutual male friend of ours. In this time there has been an increase in the get togethers with him and his wife, through social gatherings etc. In addition to this more and more time is being spent running together. Throughout all of this, i have maintained my trust however in view of our increasing distance, i can't help feel that there is an emotional connection developing that is pulling my wife away from putting any effort to address our relationship problems.
Whilst we sleep in the same bed, there is no physical contact, she can't be bothered and there is no affection in any other interaction. It is purely functional. As a consequence i have withdrawn, which i can see isn't helping matters but its hard to put myself out there when the likelihood of rejection is all too real.
Furthermore, throughout this period i have tried to put thoughts aside, indeed i have been running with our friend, and got him talking where he mentioned issues with his wife, and what raised the hackles for want of a better word, was he mentioned some issues almost to the exact wording that my wife and i have discussed. Its also important for you to understand that none of these interactions and running sessions between them have been made forthcoming to me. They are always something i have discovered, or when trying to plan family time i then have to compromise to allow my wife to fit in a running time.
I guess what i'm trying to get a handle on is am i wrong to feel this is unreasonable in view that my wife is having these discussions and what are they talking about, that i feel second best when I'm doing all i can to fix things. I have raised these concerns with my wife, and her view is that he is a friend and that she isn't doing any wrong. Normally i would agree, however in the context of above it doesn't seem to me that my concerns are being given any thought or attention.

Please feel free for elaboration or ask for more info i will be honest in my answers and also address my shortcomings.

Many thanks for reading, i look forward to your thoughts!

I have always been one to maintain our relationship remains in our bubble, to protect it from outside influence and to ensure its is my priority.

That's not healthy.

I mean commit to put our relationship first. When you and your partner focus on what is required to keep the relationship strong, safe, and secure.

I agree with you that the relationship should remain between the 2 of you and you should always focus on each other first and foremost - My husband is my absolute number 1 and he always will be and i will always but him and us at the top of my list of priorities.

I don't think what your feeling is unreasonable - if this is a change in her behaviour and it is directly linked to this man who has told you himself that hes having issues with his wife - i don't know what to suggest you do but i believe there is something more to it than just running buddies.

Do you think she’s cheating? And if you do, is there any evidence of that, or is it just a feeling you have?

If not then I’d say that she’s entitled to her friendships. You sound a bit controlling tbh, by trying to ‘keep your relationship in a bubble.’ That just reads isolation to me, and the fact that you’re now taking it as a personal injury that she’s spending time with friends also points to this.

If you have no real reason to mistrust your wife then leave her be. Clearly she won’t thank you for shutting her off from friends and your relationship won’t survive if you try. You don’t have to be present in every aspect of her life. Have you got friends and hobbies of your own? If so then you should understand that she needs hers and if not then maybe you should find some. Relationships can become very unhealthy and resentful when you’re only focusing on each other. We all need time and space to be ourselves away from our partners.

I think there may be a flirtation or maybe mutual feelings if dissatisfaction in both your wife and her friend. But this may be a result of the distance between you not the cause of it.
As you are going to counselling is this something you have discussed? Have you asked your wife if she would be happy if you went and enjoyed a hobby of some sort with a female friend?
Marriage is based on trust and mutual affection. These need to be reestablished so you can move forward. The counselling should help with this.

Hi, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this! I disagree that you sound controlling. It’s an awful feeling when you feel your other half is becoming emotionally distant and perfectly reasonable of you to try and figure out what’s causing the distance.
Just out of interest, how did she respond to your request of counselling?

• I have always been one to maintain our relationship remains in our bubble, to protect it from outside influence and to ensure its is my priority.

That's not healthy.*

I agree that this doesn't sound healthy either - if she was chatting to / texting / going running with a female friend, and talking about your relationship I expect you would feel very differently...

It isn't a female friend though. Sounds like she's checked out emotionally and she's lining up the replacement. Sorry if that sounds harsh. But I've been there. Good luck piecing it back together but it may not be what she wants.

I have raised these concerns with my wife

What concerns? Sorry, but you have a very long roundabout way of saying anything.

Do you think she is cheating?

Do you think she wants to cheat?

Do you think she is confiding in your mutual male friend? Would it matter if it was a female friend?

While it's all well and good wanting keeping your relationship 'in a bubble', it's actually quite unhealthy. And it's perfectly normal to discuss things with friends, especially if she doesn't feel as though she can talk to you.

Do you make an effort with her?

Do you make her feel special?

Do you do your fair share of housework etc?

My ex was one of these keep the relationship in a bubble types. He very proactively isolated me and discouraged me from forming friendships and having outside interests. He was very much the ‘but we only need each other’ type of person. He was very insecure so any time I stepped outside the boundaries of our relationship he’d get upset and nasty. He really didn’t take it well when I went to uni and made friends, of both sexes. The relationship wasn’t much to speak of for me anyway, but that wasn’t his opinion. That is one of the many reasons why he is now an ex.

My current DP, who I’ve been with for 6 years has friends of the same sex as me, and I have friends of the same sex as DP. I have talked about my relationship with my friends and so has DP. At no point have I ever had feelings for any of my friends and neither has DP. I’ve never suspected it and I’ve never felt the need to bring it up.

OP at the bottom of this is the fact that you don’t trust your wife. Whether it’s because you have genuine suspicions that she’s cheating or it’s because you feel insecure I don’t know, and maybe you don’t know either. Are you unhappy because 1, she has a friend of the same sex as you, and is talking about your relationship; 2, you genuinely think she’s cheating; or 3, is it that you don’t like her giving her time to someone else, male or female; or 4, that you think she’ll find someone else if you let her too far from you. This is what you need to work out. If it’s 1 then I can understand your point, to a point, but if it’s 3 or 4 then I’m afraid it’s you who needs to do some work. She will have to budge a bit as well if she wants to keep the relationship going but you’ll have to learn to accept that she will have outside friendships and trust that she can maintain boundaries with those friends. This also goes for number 1, but only if you’re happy that it’s not 2. If it is 2 then I’m sorry, but I’m afraid it’s probably over.

Try posting this as more gender less and see what responses you get, they may be more helpful as unfortunately MN is extremely gender biased for the most part

If the genders were reversed most posters would be suggesting that 'he' is having an affair and you should be getting your financial ducks in a row. Might be worth doing exactly that.

Sounds like an emotional affair.
I think these are far worse than physical ones because feelings are involved.

It can become an addiction.
You have to fit your family round her running because she has to fit in with her addiction/ male friends run.

I'd let her get in with it.

Focus on yourself and make sure you're the best you, you can be

There is nothing more soul destroying than watching an affair unfold from start to finish and not being able to do anything about it. Unfortunately previous posters are right in that Mumsnet is gender biased and the reverse advice would be mass condemnation of a man who was sneaking out to meet another woman. However, when its been a woman posting to this effect the overwhelming advice has been to give ultimatums and set boundaries [of course a man doing this is "controlling"]
So I would do that, tell her if there isnt significant change or effort on her part then its time to start discussing how to separate. It may well push her towards him but at least you can hold your head high and find someone worth it your time and effort.

I think she is investing outside the relationship, sorry. Whether it is emotional or more, she is looking for someone else to meet her needs.

The trick here is not to give orders just make statements about whether you are happy about certain things. So don't tell her to stop seeing him, tell her you are unhappy that she is prioritising time with him over time with you and the family. Make sure to mention it in this way during counselling.

To be honest it has all the hallmarks of an affair waiting to happen. Ignore those who call you "controlling etc", they can only see that you are axman and therefore must be in the wrong.

Agree with pp shes having an affair the only question is whether its turned physical or not yet

Hello all, Thank you for your replies. Whilst there is mention of Gender Bias in the responses, i take the view that everyone has an opinion and they are all welcome as they will give me a better viewpoint to take stock. I will address mentions of me being controlling - that i am not. I have never placed any restrictions on who my wife is friends with, speaks to or otherwise. My issue lies in the fact that we have known this other Man and his wife for nearly 16 years. They were our Usher and Bridesmaid at our wedding. In all that time never once have i been concerned or troubled by any interaction between them. As i mentioned the contact has escalated in the last few months, to the point where it is being withheld. Previously any contact was always mentioned, as it is in a normally functioning respectful marriage.

I think both you and the other couple are in similar phases of life and hence are likely facing similar issues.
I also think that the other guy is a friend, rather than a potential affair partner. However - if you push and demand seizing of their communication - it may push them together. It happens.

You do sound like a person who’d like to keep the relationship as a bubble from the rest of the world. And for me personally - that would be suffocating and controlling.
You don’t feel comfortable if she talks about your issues to a friend - and I get that. However - many women (possibly men too) have a need to have a close friend they share their feelings with. Often it’s a female best friend. Your W seems to have that in a male friend.
As I said - you may chose to make an issue out of it, or let her be.

Whatever the issues are in your marriage - I doubt they have anything to do with that couple. In your place - i’d focus on those.
Assume for a second - that couple disappears from your life. If your marriage then magically fixed?
If the answer is NO - then work on those issues that actually matter.
And let her have her friend for support.

For what it’s worth - I don’t think they are having an actual affair. If they were - they’d cut contact between your families, not increase. Just to avoid detection.

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense. And as I’ve said I’m open to views which I may not share or agree with but they do give give me cause to look at my behaviour as it’s by no means perfect.

What does his wife think of the contact between them. Do you go out as foursomes.

I think your instinct is correct. Your wife and this running friend are probably finding mutual consolation from each other and getting some kind of emotional gratification from their involvement. Have you considered whether your wife is perhaps attempting to gain your attention (which could be a positive sign)? I think you need to be quite direct with her and ask if she has any romantic feelings towards this man. Whilst married couples must be allowed freedom for hobbies and friends, you're clearly concerned about this friendship.

As i mentioned the contact has escalated in the last few months, to the point where it is being withheld

What do you mean by 'withheld'? Do you mean 'concealed'? If they are meeting in secret then that is different to being open and honest to both yourself and his wife.

DO YOU MAKE HER FEEL SPECIAL. DO YOU DO YOUR SHARE OF HOUSEWORK.

Unbelievable, imagine this reversed. Would anyone ask a woman suspecting her husband of cheating if she makes him feel special, keeps house tidy etc. I so want to laugh, cry, scream, all three at these sexist comments.

I don't see why asking someone if they make their partner feel special is sexist?

I hope I make my BF feel special. It's also called being kind and thoughtful. And respectful.

Why is that sexist?

I don't think you're being unreasonable or controlling. The fact she is not telling you she is with him, that is a red flag. That, coupled with her distance from you and lack of interest indicates either an affair or desire for one.
I'm not sure how you raised these issues with her but if you did it sensitively and she has fobbed you off, then I don't think she is being very respectful of your feelings at all. At the end of the day, her relationship with this man has clearly changed recently so of course you are going to notice and question it.