Help me understand my wife

[LonelySadHubby]

Hi, First time caller and all that!

I'm a male and seeking some female insight if i may.
My wife and i have become increasingly distant, and whilst this has been recognised on both parts - we are seeking counselling together, at my behest - there is an issue i am struggling with.
I apologise in advance for the possible garbled account of things.

I have always been one to maintain our relationship remains in our bubble, to protect it from outside influence and to ensure its is my priority. For the last 6 months or so, i've noted my wife has been texting a close mutual male friend of ours. In this time there has been an increase in the get togethers with him and his wife, through social gatherings etc. In addition to this more and more time is being spent running together. Throughout all of this, i have maintained my trust however in view of our increasing distance, i can't help feel that there is an emotional connection developing that is pulling my wife away from putting any effort to address our relationship problems.
Whilst we sleep in the same bed, there is no physical contact, she can't be bothered and there is no affection in any other interaction. It is purely functional. As a consequence i have withdrawn, which i can see isn't helping matters but its hard to put myself out there when the likelihood of rejection is all too real.
Furthermore, throughout this period i have tried to put thoughts aside, indeed i have been running with our friend, and got him talking where he mentioned issues with his wife, and what raised the hackles for want of a better word, was he mentioned some issues almost to the exact wording that my wife and i have discussed. Its also important for you to understand that none of these interactions and running sessions between them have been made forthcoming to me. They are always something i have discovered, or when trying to plan family time i then have to compromise to allow my wife to fit in a running time.
I guess what i'm trying to get a handle on is am i wrong to feel this is unreasonable in view that my wife is having these discussions and what are they talking about, that i feel second best when I'm doing all i can to fix things. I have raised these concerns with my wife, and her view is that he is a friend and that she isn't doing any wrong. Normally i would agree, however in the context of above it doesn't seem to me that my concerns are being given any thought or attention.

Please feel free for elaboration or ask for more info i will be honest in my answers and also address my shortcomings.

Many thanks for reading, i look forward to your thoughts!

Sorry op, but it sounds like an affair. If it is, neither you or the counsellor will be able to engage her in any meaningful way. Be prepared to hear the words that she loves you but she's not in love with you. Be prepared for her to rewrite history and claim she's not been happy since x date. The date is important because that's generally when the affair started.

I've been in your shoes and I think you have only two options. One is to confront the issue head on and set boundaries. Many people don't like to do this as they are afraid of being accused of being jealous and controlling. It's not controlling to state that you won't accept being lied to about secret contact and your spouse becoming emotionally involved with someone else

The other option is to do nothing while they have this affair right in your face. It will either fizzle out or she will leave you for him. In the meantime she will become more and more distant and continually gaslight you. Your emotional and physical health will suffer.

In your shoes now I would initially seek legal advice so you know what would happen if you do divorce. I would ask your friends wife what she thinks about it all. I would confront the pair of them and if didn't stop, I would leave.

I almost feel like you have enough replies but after reading so many I have to put in my own two cents.

(1) it sounds stressful for you both
(2) if she's not having an affair then she is feeling connected on a personal level to another guy - not against the rules in a loving relationship but if she doesn't feel connected to you she may depend on it emotionally to get through the days
(3) it's actually egalitarian to divide the chores equally. So yes hopefully you're doing equal chores.
(4) everyone Needs to feel special and this is most important coming from a romantic partner. Compliments, smiles, eye contact, favours, going out if your way to make someone happy, surprises, hugs, back rubs, asking the other how they feel. If you've fallen out of love with each other it's the key ingredients to slowly (very slowly) make it right. Won't happen overnight.
(5) counseling works for some so if you try a few sessions you'll get an idea if it's right for you. Only if she agrees to go and talk about her feelings.
(6) even if it doesn't work out and she ends up with this other guy or someone else, it's her prerogative. Staying with you if she's not in love doesn't do her any favours in the long run. At least if you show her kindness and give her the benefit of the doubt, you'll come out of this having done your best.

I'm with sprouts21 I think the first thing you should do is get legal advice. This is so you feel empowered. I think you should also look for evidence of an actual affair then. It sounds like she has checked out entirely. The blanking is worse than the lack of intimacy.

Once you have been to a SHL sit her down and tell her that you feel she has checked out, that you feel like he has replaced you in the marriage. Make no ultimatums just sit back and see if she changes her behaviour. If she doesn't, you have your answer.

DH and I mutually protect our bubble. As a PP said, my DH is my No. 1 in every single thing, big and small. Nothing would get me to treat him the way you are being treated and you are right to feel upset by her behaviour. She is being disrespectful and hurtful.

I also think it would be helpful for you op to educate yourself about affairs. Talk about marriage has an infidelity forum and there are many others. What you will discover is that affairs have a predictable pattern to them and that cheaters say and do predictable things. You are effectively dealing with a dysfunctional teenage addict when a spouse is having an affair.

Its important to know that betrayed spouses also behave in predictable ways and many spouses unwittingly facilitate an affair either by being conflict avoidant or trying to nice them out of it. I feel it was a big mistake to not strongly confront the secret meetings. Understand that these things make you look weak in her eyes. From her point of view you are concerned about an affair and secret meetings yet you accept it and go running with this man.

On the other hand the Om is constantly messaging her. He's arranging secret meetings with her right in front of you.That's pretty bold and what you're up against.I am in no way criticising you. Nearly everybody who suspects an affair does those things, I did.

Read the forums and note the predictable patterns.You will soon realise what works and what does not.

I don't understand how you say that your wife going running with your mutual friend is 'being withheld' from you -- do you mean you look around and discover you're alone in the house because she's nipped out the back door for a crafty 10k? Or that you say 'Should we go to X on Saturday morning?' and she says 'Oh, can we go later? I've scheduled a run with Steve from 8 to 10.' The latter just sounds as if it needs you to be more organised about your calendars.

And you say your mutual friend also talked about his marriage problems to you, and that you and he see one another and you also see one another as a foursome, so it's not as though your wife is maintaining some kind of illicit relationship with this man?

Maybe she just doesn't agree with your ideas about preserving your relationship from outside influence and keeping it in a bubble? Maybe she finds it isolating and dull?

talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/

You are effectively dealing with a dysfunctional teenage addict when a spouse is having an affair.

This is so good.
(I'm going to pinch this )
It should be in the infidelity hand book on the first page!

Thanks @sprouts21
Have you read this or seen it play out?

Genius - it answers so many questions in one go.

Do you have any fun together? Your description reads like the driest marriage in Christendom .
Little things, compliments, the odd gift, spontaneous gestures.
Sex sounds like a chore. Give her a kiss ( not a lecherous, lets take this further one) or play with hair or feet whilst watching telly. Just normal physical contact between couples.
Women on the whole tend to be good communicators. She is clearly telling you ( and possibly others) she isn’t happy.

You are effectively dealing with a dysfunctional teenage addict when a spouse is having an affair.

That may well be true, but what the OP has said so far could equally indicate a woman who just likes running, possibly to the extent of being rather obsessive, even selfish about it much like all those cycling DHs and who has developed a friendship with her running partner.

Is she guarded with her phone?? Would she give you it if you asked to use,? If you said yours wasn't working
Her reaction would be very telling

It sounds like your wife should read the book not just friends. It looks at emotional affairs and how we get there.

Robin2323 I've seen it play out unfortunately. I only realised afterwards that everything that happened was predictable and fairly typical even down to daft things they say.

That may well be true, but what the OP has said so far could equally indicate a woman who just likes running, possibly to the extent of being rather obsessive

If that was the case the op would have written a post about the excessive running. He didn't. He posted with concerns about a friendship that is secretive and is crossing the line. The running is neither here nor there. The issue is the time with him not the activity.There is no reason to hide a hobby or a friendship. People know their spouses and they know when something is wrong in their marriage.

Having said that I am only going off my own experience and I hope I'm very wrong. But when your children, home, and health is on the line you cannot afford to be naive.

Open your eyes man! You know exactly what she's doing, but lack the testicles to face up to it. Ditch her and quick.