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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to end whatever this is. Torn.

40 replies

Meercatsarecats · 20/08/2019 23:34

I've been seeing someone that I really like, for two years, long distance.
I've been happy with how things are between us, enjoy spending time together when we can.
He's an amazing person, handsome, intelligent, interesting, good chemistry between us, he seems to really like me when we're together.
My problem is now I'm missing him and I feel like I need more.
If I'm honest I've been using him as a distraction and an excuse not to be open to other people, I've not really been ready for anything serious or to admit that's what I want.
I'm sick right now and thinking it would be nice to have someone around to care for me more regularly.
To do all the things I enjoy with him, dinner, sex, conversation, more often than three times a year.
I would love for him to be the person that could be there, and I think we could make a good go of things if circumstances were different.
But things are not different and I'm not sure he would really commit to me even if they were.
I suppose I've answered my own questions, just needed to write it down as my head is spinning.
I need to tell him this is over. For my own sake, even though it hurts.
None if this was ever supposed to hurt. Sad

OP posts:
ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 20/08/2019 23:42

When you're feeling better, tell him just that. See what he says. You shouldn't miss the chance to say what you feel and you don't have to rush to end things without trying to find out what he feels.

Easier said than done!

xxEllxxbeexx · 20/08/2019 23:51

If he isn't ready to commit to you after all this time then I think you knownthe answer.. the longer you leave it the tougher it will get. Maybe have a chat with him explain how you feel.. it can't be worse than having to walk away from him can it? Atleast u will come away with closure or be pleasantly surprised by him feeling the same.. Maybe he feels how u do? X

Original poster
Meercatsarecats · 21/08/2019 00:07

I did tell him I think we could be good together.
He said he doesn't want a relationship with anyone, and up until now I've not really wanted that either.
Then he said he will be back in 9 months, so the distance won't be there.
So I don't know if I should just wait the 9 months and see what happens then.
Then later he said he doesn't want to hurt me. As if he knows that's what will happen. But this is hurting me now anyway.
He has told me he loves me before and it's always him that initiates contact, it's confusing.

OP posts:
xxEllxxbeexx · 21/08/2019 00:33

Sounds like he's confused too or not really got the balls to man up?!

I would put your cards on the table and tell him what u want from him. If he says he dosent feel the same you need to cut contact and change ypur number. It's the only way u will find true happiness and you deserve that! Good luck xx

MoaningMinnie1 · 21/08/2019 01:04

Find someone else to fill the long gaps. I wonder what he does during all those months when he isn't with you.

ConfCall · 21/08/2019 09:08

I would not end it. He returns in 9 months’ time - see what happens. Be mentally prepared for nothing to come of it though. Don’t put your life on hold meanwhile.

SouthernComforts · 21/08/2019 09:15

3 times a year? For how long at a time? Don't wait for this guy, stay in touch if you want but I'd start dating in the meantime, then tell him if you meet someone. I struggle to believe any bloke wouldn't be doing the same.

Original poster
Meercatsarecats · 21/08/2019 10:14

I know he dates other people when he's away, it doesn't bother me at all.
Maybe time for me to make an effort to do the same, I have had a couple of dates over the last two years but neither of the men I went out with really interested me like he does.
I did try to end things last summer but he came back to me at Christmas.
I think I will just leave things as they are. I don't really want to have an emotional conversation.
I don't know how he feels, it seems like mixed messages.

OP posts:
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 21/08/2019 10:16

He dates other people! Jesus Christ, tell him to fuck off.

Why, why are you accepting these crumbs.

Original poster
Meercatsarecats · 21/08/2019 10:25

Yes and as I've said I've dated other people too, there has never been an expectation of exclusivity.
I suppose I accept it because we both knew this is all it would ever be.
And I enjoy his company, but now I'm thinking I could enjoy someone else's company just as much and not have to wait for it.

OP posts:
RonnieScotts · 21/08/2019 10:25

He's made it very clear to you that it's just casual. It's unfair if you to start fantasising about it becoming a relationship when he's been honest with you thats not what he wants, you are what he wants.

You will end up waiting 9 months and then when he returns he will only be interested in casual hook ups and dating other women.

I'd be honest with him and cut ties now, ask him to get back in touch with you when he's back in your area and you may be available to see him, or you may not.

Don't signs any more energy on this man.

RonnieScotts · 21/08/2019 10:26

*spend

thenightsky · 21/08/2019 10:45

Three times a year for two years? So only really about 6 dates then? Please don't waste your good years on him OP.

Original poster
Meercatsarecats · 21/08/2019 12:22

Thank you all, I feel much clearer now.
This is not doing anything for me now, other than wasting my time and hurting me.
I will tell him how I feel, and I'm almost certain that will be the end of it.
I won't tell him to contact me when he's back, I'll tell him not to, and hopefully he will respect my ending it this time.
I'm going to tell him later today. Not sure what to say but I need to do this.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 21/08/2019 12:22

He is not the only man out there in the world that can make you happy . Hes not even offering close to what you want and need. He might be interesting, but hes not special. There are a lot of interesting people out there.
I think just continue to date, but maybe do so more with a different attitude , and stop closing up to other people as if this other guy was your main relationship, when its clearly not a two way feeling.

Original poster
Meercatsarecats · 21/08/2019 12:28

Yes that's what I've realised, it's nice to have someone to cook and eat with, to sleep next to, to be affectionate towards, these are all the things I'm missing and I know it doesn't have to be with him, it won't be.
Having him in the background is what's stopping me being open to other people.
It's wasting my time when I could be finding what I really want, and what I deserve. Which is more than this.
Thank you all again for your advice and insights.

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 21/08/2019 12:31

It was right at the time But now you've out grown him.

Now it's time to get back out there and meet new people.

Next time he call be busy x

Gemma1971 · 21/08/2019 12:45

I needed to read this today. I just ended a long-standing LDR a little over a week ago. He was sometimes emotionally abusive though and gaslit me a LOT. LDRs are hard and there HAS to be real love there for one to work and at SOME point, you both have to want to be together, wherever that ends up being.

As strong as your feelings are for this person, he clearly does not want a relationship. So end it, kindly, telling him you want more.

I did not realise I have been short-changing myself, as it were, for the past 10 years. Don't end up like me. I forsook a lot and missed out on other opportunities with potential partners AND work opportunities for someone who really was not worth it. Date within a specific radius of where you are. For me, this will never exceed 50 miles now.

Gemma1971 · 21/08/2019 12:46

"Yes that's what I've realised, it's nice to have someone to cook and eat with, to sleep next to, to be affectionate towards, these are all the things I'm missing and I know it doesn't have to be with him, it won't be.
Having him in the background is what's stopping me being open to other people."

This.. what you said... one million times over...... LDRs just drain you if there is no end in sight.

Watchingthyme · 21/08/2019 13:31

He’s just keeping you stuck
Or I should say, by staying in this situation you’re keeping yourself stuck.

I would get yourself to a therapist ASAP and try and work out why deep down you're not allowing yourself to have the happy things you talk of.

Original poster
Meercatsarecats · 21/08/2019 15:59

If I could afford therapy I probably would go for it although I think I am pretty self aware about what my issues are and where they stem from.
I've done a lot of work on myself over the last couple of years and I feel like drawing a line under this now is a good step towards taking care of myself in a healthier way.
I have enjoyed the time I've spent with him and he was what I wanted and needed at the time, he's helped me to realise I'm ready for something more.

OP posts:
Watchingthyme · 21/08/2019 16:02

That’s great and positive. I was where you were mentally for a long time.
You get to the point that you realise you want more in life. Now the next step is how the fuck do you get it!! 🤷‍♀️

Intheheat · 21/08/2019 16:10

I was in a similar situation and thought l was fine with it. I let it trundle on and then he met someone else and dumped me. Wow it hurt. He did want a proper relationship just not with me. Ouch. Don't let that happen to you.

Mollyboboff · 21/08/2019 16:14

How many times in total have you seen him ?

Cherryade8 · 21/08/2019 16:17

You need to cut contact OP. It is the perfect situation for him - he gets to date who he likes and then come to you occasionally for the full boyfriend experience - dinner, sex, affection. But you're left waiting. Sooner or later he will meet someone who lives closer to him and you'll be left. Do better Flowers