I think I need to end whatever this is. Torn.

[Meercatsarecats]

I've been seeing someone that I really like, for two years, long distance.
I've been happy with how things are between us, enjoy spending time together when we can.
He's an amazing person, handsome, intelligent, interesting, good chemistry between us, he seems to really like me when we're together.
My problem is now I'm missing him and I feel like I need more.
If I'm honest I've been using him as a distraction and an excuse not to be open to other people, I've not really been ready for anything serious or to admit that's what I want.
I'm sick right now and thinking it would be nice to have someone around to care for me more regularly.
To do all the things I enjoy with him, dinner, sex, conversation, more often than three times a year.
I would love for him to be the person that could be there, and I think we could make a good go of things if circumstances were different.
But things are not different and I'm not sure he would really commit to me even if they were.
I suppose I've answered my own questions, just needed to write it down as my head is spinning.
I need to tell him this is over. For my own sake, even though it hurts.
None if this was ever supposed to hurt.

How much do you actually know about this man ? Long distance ...he could be telling you anything .
What is true?
He could be married.
You do not see each other very much .
He has told you he does not want a relationship with you. You are being used. You want more .
You are not 'Torn' . I think you have worked it out .
Good for you.

In total about 12 times, one of them was a 4 day holiday we went on, usually it's just a day or 2.
I realise in my rational mind that's not much but when heart comes into it it's easy to get caught up in the romance of holidays, hotels, good food and drink, always looking forwards to seeing each other and never dealing with anything real.
I know none of it's real.
I'm done. I just need to tell him.

He's definitely not married.
He's working a long way away and I live in the same home town.
I've been to his parents house, he talks a lot about his family and that all stacks up from what i can tell.
I trust him in that respect.
None of it matters now.
I don't think he's using me more than I've used him. I'm not going to do him down because I think he is a good person, he just doesn't know what he wants, same as I didn't.
But now I do so that's that.

I ask this gently, are you lonely ?
I wonder if you are hanging on to this ( almost none ) relationship because he is better then nothing ?

No I'm not lonely, I've got a busy job, big family I spend lots of time with, one child, friends and hobbies.
I'm happy in my own company and with my life in general.
I'm not hanging on to him because he's better than nothing, I'm confident I could find someone else if I put the effort in.
If anything I've held on to this because I'm scared of getting hurt and I thought this was what I wanted, as in, not much, not too involved and no feelings, no risk and an excuse not to get close to other people.
I do feel lonely right now but I'm sick and missing him. Not generally.

Well you seem like you know what you want. 😀

It sounds as though you've worked things out, Meercats. Good for you.

I've just told him, he's not read my messages yet but I feel relieved and i know I've done the right thing even though I'm sad about it.
Onwards and upwards.
I do know what I want I guess finding it will be the hard part.

How far away does he work that he’s away for 9 months? It’s not a relationship if you both see other people.

8 hour flight.. And i never said it was a relationship. Thanks for your input

Don't think I said he will be away for 9 months either.
He will be home permanently in 9 months.
He will be home for visits before that.
Obviously he won't be visiting me now.

Don't tell yourself it will be hard to meet someone else. It will be if you stay hung on up on Mr. Unavailable though as the vibe of that will put anyone with potential off.

Focus on having fun, getting out there, sports, good food, socialising. And just because he didn't want anything serious with you in no way means there is anything wrong with you. More than likely he wants zero commitment with anyone. He maybe never will or just has not matured yet.

Not your problem. Jog along and be open to new possibilities. Don't be sad, there will be someone even more exciting and sexy with plenty of potential. Life is a big box of choccies, not an old paper bag with one rotting sweet left in it that you have no choice about.

Oh and when he DOES come back, were I in your shoes and he comes sniffing around for sex, I wouldn't be getting my energy tied up with his again. Or friendship etc etc.

Take it from someone who has just bailed from an LDR with fairly regular emotional and verbal abuse. Life is SHORT. Don't pine after Mr. Unavailable. Don't be Fallback Girl. Those are terms from Natalie Lue on her brilliant website, BaggageReclaim. Go take a look, she helped me a lot. Mr. LDR may well embody all those characteristics you want in a man, but he's unavailable. Bottom line.

Now go have fun, it's a Bank Holiday!

I used to miss my ex. Then I realised I was alone anyway, as he never flew to me, never. Not even when I had a couple of major health crises.

Despite WhatsApp and a few visits per year with ME doing all the travelling, he was not a partner. In reality, he was a sex and fun holiday that happened a few times a year. That may sound harsh, but the fact that he would never even visit me here in the UK when he was only in Waterford eventually got me so mad that all the other issues seemed like nothing. And trust me, there were some issues....

Not even visiting for a few days was true rejection.

I also wanted more and want more and I will never settle for less than I deserve again. It has taken me almost the past 10 years plus half my life to realise this. Don't be like me.

Op how old are you? And him ?

Sounds like You're a single parent

Well done on finishing it

We're both early 30s.
I am a single parent, have been for 10 years other than a couple of casual relationships and one serious that ended badly.
It took me a while to get over that which is why I've been happy to have someone I can keep at arms length I think.
I feel like I'm ready for more now, he's made me realise I can be more open with my feelings and I've got a lot to offer.
He took it well and wants to do what's best for me. He did suggest staying friends but I've said no.
I'm taking a couple of days to feel sad about it then I'll pull myself together and get back out there.
Thank you all for the good advice.