My best friend cheated on her husband

[Newby300]

Hi all,
New to mumset but in desperate need of advice.

My (maybe soon to be ex) best friend of about 8 years has just confessed that’s she’s been cheating on her husband for about 2 months.
Tbh I don’t think she even saw it as having an affair, despite kissing the OM everytime she saw him including the first time they met. I had to sort of make her see it for what it is. Things between her and her husband have been very difficult anyway and she was already thinking of filing for divorce. I do not want to be involved in this anymore. What I really want to do is tell her husband exactly what has been going on. But don’t want the repercussions for me and my family if he comes to my house demanding answers. He already came round banging on the door at 5am a few weeks ago because my friend used me as an alibi without me knowing (she told me, after she’d already told her husband that she was with me when she was actually with OM). He figured out she was lying hence he came to mine looking for her. Bearing in mind I have an 8 year old and 5 month old baby in the house.

She is very blasé about the whole thing and when I said to her, ‘regardless of what happens from here on out, she will always have to live with the knowledge she cheated on her husband’ she just said ‘I’m over it already’. This was the day after she DTD with OM for first time after two months of secret meetings, etc.

At this stage now, I feel very betrayed too, she has lied to me about what’s been going on, I’ve supported her in all the rubbish in their marriage and defended her when he has accused her of having an affair and I’ve said she’s not.

I want to send her a message to try and get through to her how much she’s hurt me and more importantly how what she is doing it so incredibly wrong despite the situation with the marriage. I’ve spoken to my OH who strongly thinks I should leave it and go silent on her. But in that situation if down the line her husband finds out, he may very well find out I knew about it. In which case he will probably come to my house demanding answers anyway. I have said quite a lot in person to her, telling her how wrong what she is doing is, but I’ve not addressed how much she’s hurt me too in this situation. I know their relationship doesn’t directly affect me, but I feel I have to get this out. And if after that we don’t speak again then, I think I can live with that knowing I’ve done the right thing without posing a risk to my family.

Sorry this is so incredibly long. Any advice appreciated.

She doesn’t sound like a nice person, give her an ultimatum, either she tells her husband or you do. And follow it through, if she doesn’t tell him then you do it. She’s used you, and will continue to do so if you let her. Her husband deserves to know. He’ll be angry and hurt but in the end he’ll be grateful you told him.

I'd follow the advice from your OH. Your family are safe because you have done nothing wrong and are not involved. It would be his wife he would be angry with.

I’d also follow your OHs advice. If her husband does come knocking at your door deny knowledge.

You should maybe drop her a text to
Let her know why you’re about to cut ties with her- he’s come banging on your door once and she put you in a terrible position by using you as an alibi and not telling you. She’s not a good friend.

I'd be fuming if my friend involved me in her lies and had her husband banging on my door at 5am. He clearly already suspects something is up and I'd refuse to enable her to continue gaslighting him. Just tell him the truth and sacrifice the friendship. It sounds like she's quite an unpleasant and selfish person so it would be no big loss.

You don’t exactly sound like a great friend.

I wouldn’t leave my friend if she had an affair. She’s my friend.

How exactly has she ‘hurt you so much’. Dramatic much.

Why does she want to divorce her DH?

She’s lied to me about it all too and let me continue to blindly defend her. I don’t want to desert her, other than all of this we’ve had a great friendship and our kids have grown up together.

@SoLost101 Oh, I dunno. Using the OP as an alibi without telling her, essentially making the OP complicit in the deceit?

I once had a colleague's wife call in out of hours because he'd told her he was "on call". He was in a role that was very much Mon-Fri, no on call required ever. He was a known cheat but I did not appreciate him making us complicit, so I clearly explained to her that we didn't ever deal with him, or those in equivalent roles.

I never did find out whether she took him to the cleaners. I hope she did.

Your friend is no friend, OP. I'd tell him and be done with her.

Why aren’t you supporting your friend more though? She’s your friend. I don’t agree with affairs but they can happen for a multitude of different reasons, wouldn’t you support her? I can see not wanting to be involved in the lies or as an alibi and you could ask her not to do this, but to immediately want to tell her husband and cut her off 🤷‍♀️Seems an odd thing to do to a true friend.

@MayFayner things have just been difficult between them. He’s not played away (as far as I’m aware anyway) or anything. It’s more just a case of they want different things now and it’s just not working. Obviously this is only going off what she has told me which has proven to not be all that reliable now.

@Bob42 I’ve told her a few times he deserves to know. I’ve not got to ultimatum stage yet, as that would definitely end our friendship, but it has crossed my mind.

I'd say you need to tell her that you don't appreciate her recent behaviour & don't want to be complicit in the affair. Are you willing to be there for her if she leaves her husband? Rightly or wrongly I wouldn't abandon a friendship during a bad period, as I have had friends with erratic behaviour during troubled times & haven't always made the best decisions myself

I can’t roll my eyes back enough when people post the whole “you don’t sound like a good friend line” 🙄 sorry but the kind of friendship I entertain has basic roles/responsibilities , being a decent human being and possessing a moral compass are the basics. Your friend is using you as a convenience, I imagine she does this a lot given what her actions are indicating about her personality.
I’d tell her husband , see how “over it” she is then, let him know the full facts so he can stop wasting his life on this loser that claims to be your friend.
P.s if this was reversed everyone would be shouting tell the wife , just saying.

@Sundancer77. I have supported her, but if it was the other way around and is was my OH that had cheated I would want to know. After she used me as an alibi, I knew the next day who she had been with but as far as I knew at that point he was just a friend and it was innocent. Of course I had my suspicions, and I asked her directly if she had DTD with him, she said she hadn’t which was true, but she very on purpose didn’t tell me what she had done ie kissing him etc and the multiple times they met in between them meeting and this night, and then let me continue to defend her.

@buckeejit
I don’t want to abaondon the friendship. In any message I might send to her I would state that very clearly. I have also told her I know she isn’t herself at the moment. I have given her a hard time about it all in person already and, as I’ve told her, the only reason I do is because I actually care about her, her future and her kids. If I didn’t care I would tell her to do whatever she likes regardless. I would be willing to still be there for her on the other side of all this.

@Lefty1
It’s funny you should use the line moral compass because it’s the sameness phrase I used when I saw her. I said it feels like her moral compass has gone out the window a bit but I can’t just forget it all so easily. Yes I appreciate she used me that night. I don’t think she’s a horrid person, just that she has made some terrible decisions that for whatever reason at the moment she can’t foresee the repercussions of.

Just tell her you are butting out of their lives for the moment until she has owned up and they have separated, if that is what is going to happen, as you are not going to let her use you as an alibi. When he/she has left or they have sorted out their problems, then you can resume the close friendship. You don't owe her husband an explanation unless he is a very good friend too. Refuse to discuss the situation again with either one of them until it's been sorted one way or the other; it's their lives to mess up.

Thank you all for your input. I had drafted quite a strong message to her telling her exactly how it all has made me feel. but I think I’ll simplify it and just say I don’t want to be involved anymore. I think maybe if I send the one I had planned too I’m involvong myself further. It would be nice to have proof though of how I feel about it all in case her husband accuses me of covering for her for two months when in truth I’ve only just found out.

I’m just angry at that night she used me as an alibi, defended her but it turns out her husband was right on the money and that he’s the one who’s be right about it and it’s her that’s been spinning me lies. I’ve told her if he ever directly asks me I won’t lie for her but I don’t know if it will end well for me and my family if I seek him out to tell him. I’m not that close with him and have had very little contact with him in the 6 or so years they’ve been together.

@quizqueen
Thank you, I think this might be her best approach. I’ve also got to consider our children who are now 8 and 9, who have grown up together since before being 2 years old. It’s a lifetime friendship for them
I would be destroying and they haven’t done anything to deserve that.

I think you’re far too invested in her marriage, and her choices. You can certainly tell friends that their behaviour in their life makes you uncomfortable and that you want no part in it. To please not bring it up with you.

But I don’t understand all this ‘defending’ and language of betrayal and hurt.

You’ve told her in no uncertain terms how disapproving you are. Of course she’s going to lie to you, you’ve practically asked her to. The only thing she’s actually done that concerns you is implicating you in a lie to her DH. So address that firmly, then leave her be. Any lies she tells anyone else in her life just aren’t your business.

Treat her like a friend who has had her head and common sense turned by a pyramid marketing scheme, or a new age religion. Distance yourself for a while, be busy with your own life, and hope the fever passes. Drama free.

She isn’t beholden to you, nor has she sworn fidelity to you or your personal principles. You may well feel her DH is being duped, but it’s still not your business. Add him to the big pile of other duped people in the world, who also aren’t your business, and move on. No outsider ever really knows what’s going on inside a marriage- don’t assume you do.

A positive side effect of distancing yourself is that you’ll be able to tell her DH the truth if he ever does come around, that is that you haven’t seen her for ages and don’t know what might or might not be going on.

Not your circus, not your monkey-business.

It's a really tricky situation. If it were me I would stay well out of it as despite being a good friend you never really know what's going on in their relationship. I definitely wouldn't lie for her though that's for sure. Maybe don't directly tell her husband but maybe make it clear that if he ever asks you would tell the truth.

@Skittlesandbeer
I shall be telling her that i don’t want anymore part of it like you say. And yes I agree I probably am too invested now but I can’t go back and change that. I was supporting her through a difficult marriage situation long before this OM was on the scene. And of course I won’t have been told everything.
I am aware as well that there is no rule or law that says she has to be truthful to me, the only reason I talk about ‘defending’ is when she has been grilled by her husband, I’ve obviously taken her side and said nothing is going on, and she has been perfectly happy with me doing that knowing I’m ‘defending’ a pack of lies.
I do like you’re comment on the circus and monkey, I’m not here for arguments, just other people’s views. It’s nice to get the views of uninvolved people.

@0DimSumMum0
Yes this is what I think is best approach also. I told her weeks ago (before I knew anything was going on) that if I had known about any affair she was having I wouldn’t cover for her and wouldn’t have her deliberately continue to hurt her husband. I would have told him myself. I can’t do that now that is already been going on for two months as I look like I’ve been covering for her all along. And why should he believe that I haven’t.

And, by the by, OM is going to America for three months next week so it won’t be continuing. She was trying to prove to me one day that it was all innocent with OM and let me read their messages. The messages were all innocent and he talked about getting ready for going away, of course these are only the messages she chose to show me.

I'd tell him. A cheat is a cheat. She's lied to you, used you as an alibi, been fine with her husband showing up at your door being aggressive. God knows what else she has done in your friendship that you have let slide.

She's made her bed. Sod her. If she is having a difficult marriage and wanted out, she should have divorced him first, not been a coward and had fun with someone else first or basically lined up the next fool.

She sounds deeply unhappy. She needs to get out of the marriage now. Why is she waiting?

I don't condone affairs but I certainly think that good people can make bad choices when there is other stuff going on. A friend of mine is having one, I listened to her and we discussed it all, although I know she was leaving details out, I tried to help her as best I could. She's realised she has loads of issues (bad childhood) and is in now in therapy.

That said your friend was very wrong to involve you and you need to make that clear. but also I'd be furious at the husband banging down the door at that hour. Who does that?! Is he generally ok?