My best friend cheated on her husband

[Newby300]

Hi all,
New to mumset but in desperate need of advice.

My (maybe soon to be ex) best friend of about 8 years has just confessed that’s she’s been cheating on her husband for about 2 months.
Tbh I don’t think she even saw it as having an affair, despite kissing the OM everytime she saw him including the first time they met. I had to sort of make her see it for what it is. Things between her and her husband have been very difficult anyway and she was already thinking of filing for divorce. I do not want to be involved in this anymore. What I really want to do is tell her husband exactly what has been going on. But don’t want the repercussions for me and my family if he comes to my house demanding answers. He already came round banging on the door at 5am a few weeks ago because my friend used me as an alibi without me knowing (she told me, after she’d already told her husband that she was with me when she was actually with OM). He figured out she was lying hence he came to mine looking for her. Bearing in mind I have an 8 year old and 5 month old baby in the house.

She is very blasé about the whole thing and when I said to her, ‘regardless of what happens from here on out, she will always have to live with the knowledge she cheated on her husband’ she just said ‘I’m over it already’. This was the day after she DTD with OM for first time after two months of secret meetings, etc.

At this stage now, I feel very betrayed too, she has lied to me about what’s been going on, I’ve supported her in all the rubbish in their marriage and defended her when he has accused her of having an affair and I’ve said she’s not.

I want to send her a message to try and get through to her how much she’s hurt me and more importantly how what she is doing it so incredibly wrong despite the situation with the marriage. I’ve spoken to my OH who strongly thinks I should leave it and go silent on her. But in that situation if down the line her husband finds out, he may very well find out I knew about it. In which case he will probably come to my house demanding answers anyway. I have said quite a lot in person to her, telling her how wrong what she is doing is, but I’ve not addressed how much she’s hurt me too in this situation. I know their relationship doesn’t directly affect me, but I feel I have to get this out. And if after that we don’t speak again then, I think I can live with that knowing I’ve done the right thing without posing a risk to my family.

Sorry this is so incredibly long. Any advice appreciated.

If she's over her husband as she says then she should leave, not sneak around using friends as alibis.

I'd tell her that if he ever turns up at your house again you won't be lying for her. Let her find another cover story.

That will likely end the contact there.

Were you her friend or her DH's friend first? Sounds like the latter as your loyalty seems to be to him first and foremost and you are worried about his response. Also he thinks it's ok to come and bang on your day at 5am - so one interpretation is that he is utterly comfortable with you as you are good friends.

OR the alternative interpretation - based on the fact you seem genuinely concerned about what he might do to you and your family - is that he is an utter asshole who she would be well rid of, and you - her friend - should be more supportive to her. Yes she's in a mess and yes she should have asked about using you as an alibi - but that is enough to break contact?? Drama much? Catch yourself on

She isnt 'just' having an affair.

Personally, I think affairs often slip in to emotionally abuse as well.

He obviously knows she is up to something and she is long to him, trying to shift the blame to him, despite the fact that he is right.

Pretty sure most people would call that gas lighting if a woman was on the receiving end.

Her and behaviour isnt a ine night stand. A one off mistake. She is has been lying for at least 2 months. She is being a poor friend and is gas lighting her husband.

An affair is rarely, one mistake. Its consistent lying, making others think they are wrong. Hiding information and actions, trying to through someone off the scent.

To say an affair is a mistake, is really down playing the cheaters role in their actions.

If a friend confides they are unhappy and are seeing someone else, you can say "I don't agree with that, you should leave first before seeing someone else; I'm still your friend but I don't want to hear anything about your affair". But the moment they involve you in their deceit and duplicity by using you as an unwitting alibi and put you in an awkward position, then a line is crossed. That's not what a best friend does. I'd absolutely end the friendship then and there. Whether I told their partner would depend on how well I knew them too I think.

She's your mate and really you have no idea what's going on in her marriage or how she truly feels about cheating. You don't owe her husband anything at all. I understand feeling like a mug after defending her but other than taking a step back and asking to know nothing further about it I don't see why this should signal the end of a friendship - or why you're so concerned with what her husband will think of you. So what if he ends up believing you knowingly colluded in covering her affair? For one thing, he'd be wrong; and for another, as you say, he's just a bloke married to your friend - you don't know him.

I think you sound massively sanctimonious.

Dljlr A mate wouldn't use another mate as their alibi and drag them into it unwittingly so they end up having the husband looking for them at 5 am. If you don't have an issue with cheating that's one thing, crack on, make up a story. But leave your best mate out of it. That's not on and not the action of a friend.

ShatnersWig Tbf the mate was presumably trying to keep the op out of it by not telling her what was going on, but didn't anticipate Angry Husband coming looking for her. I just think if I were in that situation I'd be pissy at getting dragged into drama that isn't mine but I wouldn't give a shiny shit what A Man I Barely Know thinks about me, especially when I've not done anything wrong; but I would be concerned about my mate, even though they'd pissed me off. Wanting to send an angry message essentially firing my best friend for her lax morals, and dithering about whether to spill all I know to her husband, would not occur to me, and seems like a very strange response from a 'best' friend.

Your being so dramatic @Newby300
Its nothing to do with you so you simply say the same to the pair of them. Its not your job to educate her on the affair she is having, and simply tell her husband its nothing to do with you, if he comes banging again ring the Police.

I would stay well out of it, it is none if your business. However, I would have a huge problem if she was using me in her lies. Tell her to never use you as an 'alibi' again, otherwise you will tell her DH everything.

Just a gentle reminder too, she seems quiet selfish and disloyal, and is probably not a great friend. I'd lower my expectations of the friendship and pull away from her a bit.

Would those of you saying 'she made a mistake' or suggesting he deserves it say the same if it was a woman being cheated on by a man? I really doubt it.

She's not an angel just by having tits. She's a cheater and a liar. She deserves to be caught and lose out in the divorce for adultery.

I would have told her to sort her self out as soon as she used me too. Inciting her angry husband to batter your door at 5 am. She doesn’t value your friendship, any more than she’s upheld her vows. Did he drag their kids out of bed too? Notice that the only one undisturbed by these antics was her. She has dragged you in to this situation, tell him - don’t tell him, just stop enabling her shite. ( I would tell him he needs to tackle her not you tbh )

I'd tell her that you refuse to lie for her, so if her H asks you again you'll be telling him the truth.

She crossed a line by using you as an alibi. If someone crossed that line with me they’d be an ex friend.
But i think you can say to her, her private life is just that and you have no interest in hearing about it in future. For sure unless she leaves there will be another man - she has broken the taboo so the next time will be much easier!

You say she's hurt you. But to be honest, it doesn't really sound as if she cares. She certainly doesn't care about her husband.

Just step out of it and don't have anything more to do with her.

OM is going to America for three months next week

You can bet your bottom dollar she'll be back in touch with you then. Just tell her to piss off and play her stupid little games with someone else.

I don't know whether this will help you, but I got divorced last year. I only found out after we finally split, but before the divorce, that she had been shagging around. I then learned that quite a few of our mutual friends knew.

Did I hold it against any of them that they didn't tell me? Absolutely NOT. I knew things weren't great. I could probably have found out sooner if I had put some effort in, but that was my decision, not our mutual friends'. I suspect from what you say that, like me, her husband is already pretty much aware, and will do what he wants, when he wants in his own time.

I think she hasn't been honest with you because you aren't that great a friend to her. Why would she tell you the whole story in that case.