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Original poster

Feelings for FWB

39 replies

Bluebird99 · 20/08/2019 18:18

I have a friend with benefits who I’ve been seeing for four months. Recently I’ve really started to develop feelings but daren’t tell him through fear of him calling the whole thing off.

I know he likes me (probably not as much as I like him) but his situation is complicated so I’m sort of hoping he’ll end up with feelings for me too in the long run.

Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
Sianlouise432 · 20/08/2019 18:25

Watched my friends go through this time and time again. IMHO you should just tell him you're getting the feelings and see what he says. If he's even half decent he will tell you either a) I just want to keep it casual, we should break it off/carry on strictly as friends or b) I think we should try dating. If he says anything else he's basically trying to have his cake and eat it. I.e. Keep you around, have your attention, get sex but never commit in case someone better comes along. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

AGenericUsername · 20/08/2019 19:18

Very dangerous territory. You'll have to be honest with him and see if he wants it to be anything more. If you tell him about your feelings be prepared for them not to be reciprocated though. You would then have to cut the benefits with this friend because it would do your own MH no good. Especially if you developed even deeper feelings for him and then he met someone else so be careful!

I had a FWB and we mutually agreed that it would never be anything more. We had a great friendship and amazing chemistry in bed but that's where it ended and it worked really well. We couldn't have carried it on for as long as we did if one of us started to complicate things.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 20/08/2019 19:41

Yep, been there.

Stop putting it off, rip that plaster off and tell him, see what he says, and if he doesn’t feel the same you need to end it. You need to look after yourself. Constantly putting yourself in a position where you are developing deeper feelings and getting more hurt is not doing this.

Be very very wary if he says he’ll see how he feels, or when you cut contact keeps trying to talk to you. Some people can show themselves to be very selfish when they get that heady mix of friendship, intimacy and sex taken away.

Flerkin · 20/08/2019 19:51

Yep been there.

Actually posted here because I nearly called it off. Wise mners told me to stop being a dick and tell him. Mainly because of how we were. He let me stay with him when buying a new house, helped me move in decorate my new house. We saw eachother everyday, he popped in on his way to work and home from work. We did joint supermarket shopping as we spent so much time together.

Essentially we were in a relationship. Neither wanted to admit it. The night I posted, my ds was ill and he knocked on the door on his way to his night shift and dropped off a little toy he saw in the shop, but didnt come in as ds was still up. Anyway, he came round the next morning, I made breakfast, after his shift, and he hugged and kissed me and we had the converstation.

Been together ever since. That said, it often doesnt work out like this. I discovered FWB isnt for me. I get emotionally involved. I was just lucky that he did too.

The only way you will know either way is to tell him and see what happens. Be prepared for him to run.

Does he show any signs of wanting more?

LemonAddict · 20/08/2019 19:53

What do you mean by “his situation is complicated”?

littlemama18 · 20/08/2019 19:57

My own experience with this situation broke me! Tell him, and if he doesn't feel the same dear god don't go back because it hurts more and more Sad sorry to be so blunt but loving someone who doesn't love you back whilst also sleeping with them is like a form of torture! Be honest, don't be scared of calling it off because it might be for the best, hope it goes well, good luck Thanks

Fromablokespoint · 21/08/2019 12:31

A year ago I was not ready for a relationship. Had a serious of dates but was very clear about "no commitment", not a player but very open about it. I was seeing someone casually who after a while as a FWB told me that she was getting too involved and could not see me any more (i did not see it as an ultimatum).

I really missed her, the feelings had been growing and I then spent the next month convincing her that I wanted more as well. 10 months later its fantastic.

If you are getting involved then you must have the conversation. He may be feeling the same, if he isn't then you need to stop seeing him.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 21/08/2019 12:40

I never understand posts like this. The whole point of friends with benefits is that you are genuine friends who are having no hassle fun meeting each other's physical needs without any of complications of feelings.

Then, when one of you meets someone you want a relationship with, you stop.

Why are there so many threads about women hoping that their FWB will turn into something more?

I've had several 'with benefits' arrangements with friends over the years and would have been utterly horrified to discover that any of them had actual 'feelings' for me! That's just not in the game plan at all!

Or are people using 'FWB' to be synonymous with "this man is using me so I'm going to dress it up as something else and hope he comes round"?

Because the whole point of FWB is that there are no 'feelings' beyond friendship!

TheStuffedPenguin · 21/08/2019 12:40

Is he married OP?

MrsLindor · 21/08/2019 12:53

In my case we both started off wanting only FWB but it developed into more, and eventually became a relationship. It's not an easy transition, you both have to want it and even then it's difficult. I was keener than him initially and would have continued seeing him and dated other people if he'd wanted that, seeing each other regularly and not dating other people is likely to lead to feeling.

JacquesHammer · 21/08/2019 13:00

Tell him. It isn’t fair to carry on what is supposed to be a casual arrangement when you’re feeling more.

You at the very least need to give him the option to finish things.

Original poster
Bluebird99 · 21/08/2019 16:15

No he’s single

OP posts:
ConfCall · 21/08/2019 16:19

It may be worth telling him how you feel. Be prepared for a gentle knock-back though.

Cherryade8 · 21/08/2019 16:30

I think you have to tell him. I had a FWB and developed feelings about the same time as you, initially we had been genuine FWB, no loving feelings.

Mine had feelings too but not enough so I stopped seeing him and dated others. Six months later he helped me in a crisis (we had never stopped chatting, just stopped sex) and lately hes been pretty much telling me he loves me. I need to have another chat with him to establish what we want to do - we both genuinely have strong feelings I think but neither intended to be this way.

FWIW I think it is very difficult NOT to get feelings for a man you are having sex with regularly, and in my case staying the night, having dinner, watching films...Blush

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 21/08/2019 16:50

FWIW I think it is very difficult NOT to get feelings for a man you are having sex with regularly, and in my case staying the night, having dinner, watching films...

I've done all these things with my FWBs without developing feelings for them beyond the feelings of friendship that were already there.

It literally was just friendship and sex.

And far, far preferable to a 'relationship'!

MrsLindor · 21/08/2019 17:58

Thebats That might be your experience but for me, if I'm attracted to someone enough to be having regular sex with them and like their company enough to be sleeping over, having nights in front of the telly etc. then there's a good chance that's someone I could develop feelings for. A FB you have occasional sex with and nothing else is less likely to develop into more. Possibly if you start as friends and add in the sex that may be different, but I've never tried it that way around.

VixenSixen · 21/08/2019 18:10

I did this. Chickened out of telling him at the 3 month mark and wasted another 3 months of my life hoping the same thing you did...... He didn't want anything more serious and we no longer speak. Now investing my time and energy elsewhere...... Depends whether you can cope with wasting the time. I regretted to be honest and it did a number on my self esteem for a while.

X

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/08/2019 18:15

It's not hard not to get feelings for a FWB! It just depends what kind of person you are. I had a FWB for 4 years and we used to chill out together, have takeaways, nights in front of the TV, go to the pub. Because he was my FRIEND, not just a random shag. That's what FWB is to me. We had a laugh together and sex but that was it.

Neither of us developed feelings for the other and I called it off earlier this year when I briefly dated someone else who I wanted something more with (didn't work out unfortunately). No hard feelings between us whatsoever.

If you want more tell him, don't wait around "just in case" he starts having feelings for you because if he doesn't and then decides to move on with someone else then you will end up hurt.

fandabbyfannyflutters · 21/08/2019 18:48

Is it me or are we getting this thread (or variations of) every other day at the moment?

Mum4Fergus · 21/08/2019 19:17

I developed feelings for my FWB...met up to tell him and call it a day as it wasn't what either of us signed up for. Turns out he felt the same way. We've been married for a year now Smile

Cherryade8 · 21/08/2019 19:18

@TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower I am impressed by your strength Grin I was completely happy being FWB for three or four months before I got a lot of feelings. It got way too passionate and loving. Except I think he just enjoyed the whole 'boyfriend experience' and intimacy whilst I grew really attached.

I think its important to keep dating if you have an FWB if your intention is to find a relationship too, ime it prevents you getting too attached.

JacquesHammer · 21/08/2019 19:24

I think its important to keep dating if you have an FWB if your intention is to find a relationship too, ime it prevents you getting too attached

For me FWB and wanting a relationship wouldn’t be compatible.

I’m resolutely single for life. I’ve had a FWB quite happily for 5 years. Works for me because I know there’ll never be anything more.

hereforyou · 21/08/2019 19:28

This has happened to me twice as I seem to want men who don't want relationships..
first time I never admitted feelings and always wondered what could have been. It took me a long time to get over but was totally worth it in the end. I went NC and he just didn't mind at all - that was the answer I needed.
Second time I told him I was ready and he said he loved me as a friend. It hurt but I was grateful for the honesty and proud that I dealt with it well!
I moved on again and somebody that wanted and loved me was around the corner 😊

waterrat · 21/08/2019 21:31

Tbh I think if you have feelings for someone in any type of relationship.. you should always be honest...however painful it is.

Sleeping with someone you are falling for and having no idea if they feel the same is just painful and demoralising.

As someone said...it's always best when there is an unspoken question to rip the plaster off. If you want him to develop feelings...well...he can do that just as well after finding out how you feel.

Petra42 · 21/08/2019 22:12

Following with interest. I have a FWB that can never be more due to his personal mental state but I find myself not planning dates etc because I'm seeing FWB. It's more lack of time for me plus so easy just to see FWB. However I am finding myself quite emotionally attached because we are so at ease with each other. I really need to be looking for The One but I'm not sure how I'd break it to my FWB.

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