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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feelings for FWB

39 replies

Bluebird99 · 20/08/2019 18:18

I have a friend with benefits who I’ve been seeing for four months. Recently I’ve really started to develop feelings but daren’t tell him through fear of him calling the whole thing off.

I know he likes me (probably not as much as I like him) but his situation is complicated so I’m sort of hoping he’ll end up with feelings for me too in the long run.

Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 21/08/2019 23:16

waxon that's exactly how it's been for me too.

cherry it's not strength really. Tbh, I just haven't been attracted to them enough to want a relationship - it was purely sexual.

They were men who just wouldn't have fitted into my life plan for whatever reason or men I just didn't find particularly attractive but we were really good friends and the sex was good. I wouldn't have liked it at all if any of them had had feelings.

I've had some of the best sex with FWBs.

WhisperingInTheDark · 21/08/2019 23:43

For your own mental health, don't let this linger. I ended it with a FWB because I liked him more than he liked me. It wasn't good for me to be in that situation. It was hard for a couple of weeks, but it passed. It would have been much, much harder if I'd carried on.

PumpkinP · 22/08/2019 00:04

*fandabbyfannyflutters

Is it me or are we getting this thread (or variations of) every other day at the moment?*

Yep! I think it’s very common despite what pp said. Generally women do develope feelings on these situations.

RRJR · 22/08/2019 02:51

It’s really not that difficult.

You tell him how you feel and he either says he feels the same or he doesn’t

If he does.. great
If he doesn’t.. you cut all contact

“Complicated situation” is a load of shite. If he truly likes you nothing will get in the way

1forAll74 · 22/08/2019 03:31

It seems odd to me,to have a FWB, as in just one, I thought the whole idea,was to have many FWB, then you are less likely to get really attached to one person.

It's not really a new thing,this friends with benefits, as many many years ago,when I was young, I had lots and lots of men/boyfriends,and it was par for course, you had some fun,and then moved on, until one day,you might have decided to wan't to settle down with someone..

Original poster

Bluebird99 · 22/08/2019 09:45

I think I feel this way because in the beginning we were going to date but it never happened.
I’m so close to telling him that I want us to go on dates like we first discussed but I worry he’ll back off and I’ll lose him completely as a friend. Which I really don’t want.

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 22/08/2019 10:50

Bluebird99

I think if you’ve got feelings you need to be clear with him.

You’re going to end up hurt, and he’s more likely to call off the friendship if he feels you haven’t been honest.

I’d say along the lines of “because I value you as a friend I need to tell you I’d like us to be more than just FWB. If that’s not something you’re interested in, it’s important to me that we stop it now so we can remain friends”.

pudding21 · 22/08/2019 11:21

I had a 6 month FWB thing going on. We both started to catch feelings, pulled away and it ended in a nice way with us both agreeing we enjoyed every second but that at that time a relationship wasn't what either of us wanted.

We had 6 months where we dated other people and had a lot of fun. Then a year ago we met up again and have hardly had a day where we dont see each other, and we are currently talking about living together! Its evolved very naturally with little stress, and neither of us really saw it coming! First time was all about sex and just hanging out, this time its different and we have got to know each other better, and we want to be in each others lives :)

RRJR · 22/08/2019 11:22

OP you’re a grown woman. Time to put your big girl pants on

If you don’t tell him how you feel you’ll end up extremely hurt

You and him will never be able to be just friends. You have feelings for him therefore the friendship is over. It will never be a platonic friendship even if he says he doesn’t feel the same way as you (romantically)

So either tell him now how you feel and part on friendly terms

Or continue sleeping with him without saying a word hoping he’ll read your mind, only for him to drop you like a sack of potatoes when he meets someone he does genuinely like and you come back on here saying he used you

Ask yourself this.. you’re giving him sex and all the perks of a relationship without him having to commit. Why on earth would he rock that boat?

You need to be all or nothing

TheStuffedPenguin · 22/08/2019 13:57

I've had some of the best sex with FWBs.

The reason for this is exactly because there is no commitment - it's all the here and now . There's not the usual ups and downs of everyday life .

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 22/08/2019 16:43

Tbh I think if you have feelings for someone in any type of relationship.. you should always be honest...however painful it is

Sleeping with someone you are falling for and having no idea if they feel the same is just painful and demoralising.

I don't see the point of telling the person myself. You can generally tell if someone is developing feelings for you. Even if that's wrong and its an exceptional case, men are rarely reticent if they want to date someone seriously. They let you know.

I'd just walk away rather than having a "talk" - because you know they don't feel the same way.

The only reason to mention is as part of a "I'm developing feelings for you so I'm ending it now" statement - to preserve the future option of a person who presently wants a FWB arrangement for situational reasons but may change their mind in future (as per previous posters example).

It's like those posts you see here with questions in the title like
do you think he loves me
does he want to marry me
will he ever propose
you know before you read it that the answer is no because otherwise you wouldn't need to ask.

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 22/08/2019 19:33

I've had some of the best sex with FWBs.

The reason for this is exactly because there is no commitment - it's all the here and now . There's not the usual ups and downs of everyday life .

Tbh, for me, it's more that there's no worry about being duped or worrying about if you're too fat or if you're good enough because you both know you're only there for the sex so you can't be and it must be.

And without all the complication of 'emotions' and 'emotional attachment' that I don't do at all well at!

lifegoes · 22/08/2019 20:23

@TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower I do agree, I have found in the past a FWB worked for that exact reason. Took away all expectations and insecurities.

But I have had a recent FB that I didn't like the way he treated me, mainly because I started to form an attachment to him and it caused fuck ups with my own mentality. So I walked away.

Cherryade8 · 26/08/2019 17:31

Any news @Bluebird99? Did you discuss with him? Hope it is working out...

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