Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister rang exDP re our DD

36 replies

lolaflores · 20/08/2019 13:20

ExDp and I have been ex for about 23 years.
DD is 26
He has been pretty much absent for the majority of those years. In the last 8 or so, there has been a gradual increase in contact. Mostly because they can organise it between themselves. I am not involved, its their relationship, she is an adult.
Anyway, he has been making noises about a trip for both of them to visit his family and he hasn't made much progress on it. In the meantime, DD has been to visit him. He has paid for flights. Wined and dine...the least he can do given he never put his hand in his pocket all of her childhood but ...
My sister took it upon herself to ring him and berate him for not having got the trip organised. She didn't consult either myself or DD before she did this. Also, I don't actually know when it happened. DD told me the other week. She asked me not to say anything.
ExDp hasn't mentioned it either. Not that we are chatty at all.
Everyone has said, leave it. Don't say anything.
I am shocked, embarrased and angry but I don't seem to have anywhere to go with that.
My sister and DD are close but sister doesn't seem to want to do the dreary parenting like the hospital runs, the teacher meetings...much like exDP. All of which I did but it gets fucking ignored..sorry ranting.
do I leave it>
Is it worth it?
This sort of move is typical of how my over all family see me as a mother to DD. My own DM over steps boundaries all the time and I put her right on it but then get sulks and silence afterwards.
Any insights would be good.

OP posts:
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 20/08/2019 13:23

Couldn't lose sleep over this.

Like you said you leave them to sort their relationship so no point sticking your nose in now.

Original poster
lolaflores · 20/08/2019 13:24

Rubbinghimsweetly2 No. Im pissed off at sister ringing exDP when there really is no need.

OP posts:
Flerkin · 20/08/2019 16:33

Leave it between dd and your sister

It's your daughter relationship to manage.

My sister and DD are close but sister doesn't seem to want to do the dreary parenting like the hospital runs, the teacher meetings...much like exDP.

I am confused by this. Your sister is her auntie, why would she do any dreary parenting? Even if they are close?

I think if you family overstep boundaries when it comes to parenting your dd, you may have left it a little late since she is 26.

peekyboo · 20/08/2019 16:50

It likely reminds you of all the other times boundaries have been overstepped.

If it'll cause problems for your DD, leave it. But think about what you'd like your family relationships to look and feel like going forward.

Original poster
lolaflores · 20/08/2019 17:05

My sister is happy to jump into aspects of my daughters life as she sees fit but is less available for all the other stuff that takes place in the day to day.

OP posts:
ElizaDee · 20/08/2019 17:06

My sister is happy to jump into aspects of my daughters life as she sees fit but is less available for all the other stuff that takes place in the day to day.

Your sister isn't her parent Confused

Flerkin · 20/08/2019 17:26

My sister is happy to jump into aspects of my daughters life as she sees fit but is less available for all the other stuff that takes place in the day to day.

But she isnt her parent.

I am close to my aunties, but at no point have they ever done the day to day parenting though have helped me out on occasion.

I am close to my nieces, they talk to me about issues and I help them out. I would not do day to day parenting of them. That's their parents job.

I cant help wondering if you have expected alot of parenting type help from these families members, then get annoyed when they over step your lines. But they likely think they arent over stepping lines because they have been very involved. If you see what I mean.

Rachelover40 · 20/08/2019 17:32

Ask your sister to not poke nose in again but put it more politely than that.

Sisterlove · 20/08/2019 17:42

I dont get why your sister would ho to parents evening. She's not her parent. I'd be annoyed if my sister thought she should attend my child's parentsEl evening.

Are you trying to say you didn't find her supportive when DD was younger?

PotteringAlong · 20/08/2019 17:45

My sister and DD are close but sister doesn't seem to want to do the dreary parenting

I love my nephews to bits. Want to go to Thomasland / cinema / need advice? I’m happy to do that. Hospital? Nope, that’s not my role.

Original poster
lolaflores · 20/08/2019 18:12

Yes. She was not supportive when dd was younger. Critical, yes. Judgemental. Yes.
In fact I have been trying to set boundaries with all of them for years.
I most certainly do not want her to do any parenting and I see this phone call as completely not her place. When I say she isn't up for the dreary activities it is because she sees fit to pull a stuntike this.
She frames herself as the saviour, making the big gesture defending DD when it isn't warranted, without consulting me as to what the lay of the land was.
She hasn't even spoken to ex in 23 years.
I also have a other dd who she doesn't seem to have any interest in at all. Makes o real effort to see her beyond a birthday and xmas gift..

OP posts:
Flerkin · 20/08/2019 18:15

Your daughter is 26. Theres no need to consult you.

She should have consulted your daughter. You daughter choose to be close her. Let you daughter manage that relationship like she is managing the one with her dad.

Theres no need to get angry on her behalf. Let them sort it out amongst themseleves.

Original poster
lolaflores · 20/08/2019 18:25

As much as I would not make phone calls to her father, neither should my sister. It just seems like common sense that it is no ones place to do that.

OP posts:
Flerkin · 20/08/2019 18:59

I agree. But your daughter is an adult and has her own relationship with her auntie. And with her dad.

That's why I am saying, she didnt need to run it past you. She should have spoken to your daughter and your daughter needs to deal with it, if she wants to.

I am not saying dont be a bit annoyed and shocked, but embarrassed and angry is an over reaction.

Dont do anything. Let your dd manage her own relationships

RockinHippy · 20/08/2019 19:31

Your DD is an adult. This is not your battle to fight. Butt out & don't use it as the excuse to jump down you DSis throat over past grievances, which seems to be the case here

Original poster
lolaflores · 20/08/2019 19:54

There is fertile ground for me over reacting to this. I feel if anyone should be do the shouting, it's me because it's me who raised her with nothing from him.
And now, when the waters are calmer, in comes the cavalry shouting the odds...20 years too late.
Shit timing and unexpected

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 20/08/2019 20:13

I'm sure there is Lola, but in the nicest possible way, your DD is 26. It's history. Let it go & let her fight her own battles as an adult. Otherwise you are going to come across as unhinged

Original poster
lolaflores · 20/08/2019 20:17

The tone of this may sound unhinged but I am trying to not do exactly that. My mental health also gets thrown at me by my family so I am fucked if I do or if I dont.
I've been the shit mental mother all these years. It's not a good look to get upset about anything because that causes concern

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 20/08/2019 20:18

Lola I repeat

YOUR DAUGHTER IS AN ADULT, BACK OFF

Original poster
lolaflores · 20/08/2019 20:33

I am backed off. Way off. But am upset and only trying to work through that. Shouting at me doesn't bring any clarity but thanks for taking g the time.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 20/08/2019 20:37

That's good, but wasn't clear fro your posts. Maybe think about counselling to work through this stuff,💐💐

Original poster
lolaflores · 20/08/2019 21:30

Done family counselling. Personal therapy and a psychiatric team too, so the unhinged comment hit a nerve.

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 20/08/2019 21:37

If your sister hasn't spoken to ex in 23 years, how did she know his number? Have I missed something?

Original poster
lolaflores · 20/08/2019 23:01

Howb
How she got his number I'd dont know.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 21/08/2019 00:18

I don’t give a fuck how old my DD was I’d tell her to back the fuck of and sort her own kids out.