Sister rang exDP re our DD

[lolaflores]

ExDp and I have been ex for about 23 years.
DD is 26
He has been pretty much absent for the majority of those years. In the last 8 or so, there has been a gradual increase in contact. Mostly because they can organise it between themselves. I am not involved, its their relationship, she is an adult.
Anyway, he has been making noises about a trip for both of them to visit his family and he hasn't made much progress on it. In the meantime, DD has been to visit him. He has paid for flights. Wined and dine...the least he can do given he never put his hand in his pocket all of her childhood but ...
My sister took it upon herself to ring him and berate him for not having got the trip organised. She didn't consult either myself or DD before she did this. Also, I don't actually know when it happened. DD told me the other week. She asked me not to say anything.
ExDp hasn't mentioned it either. Not that we are chatty at all.
Everyone has said, leave it. Don't say anything.
I am shocked, embarrased and angry but I don't seem to have anywhere to go with that.
My sister and DD are close but sister doesn't seem to want to do the dreary parenting like the hospital runs, the teacher meetings...much like exDP. All of which I did but it gets fucking ignored..sorry ranting.
do I leave it>
Is it worth it?
This sort of move is typical of how my over all family see me as a mother to DD. My own DM over steps boundaries all the time and I put her right on it but then get sulks and silence afterwards.
Any insights would be good.

*by her I mean DSis

Dsis must have got his number from dd surely?

Are you angry that your dd now has a relationship with her dad, since she turned 18? Given that he didn't want to see her, or pay maintenance, when she was younger I can see how that might be galling.

I don't understand why you are angry with DSis though. She has ignored him for 23 years, and has rang him now to try to help. Do you feel that it's something you should have done, or do you hate the thought of them talking amicably, or does it hurt that he might listen to her and sort the trip?

Either way, the relationship between adult dd, DSis and ex is none of your business now.

@7yo7yo excellent advice. The daughter asked her mother not to say anything. Advise thevop to ignore that.

That wont cause an issue for the OP and her dd and shift the blame to her at all.

They did not have an amicable or cost chat. She went on the war path.

I have had plenty of conversations with xp regarding his lack of contribution over the years; none of which made a jot of difference in the same way hers wont. It is a waste of time, which I know she knows and has seen me try to get this man to step up to his responsibilities.

It is like talking to a wall. Pointless waste of breath. I am struggling to understand what she thought she would achieve. O am worried she is going to set back what ground has been recovered by DD in the last 8 years.
To me she is interfering where there is no need

I completely understand why you're pissed off OP.

Your sister has absolutely no right getting involved, however your adult daughter has asked you not to say anything and you must respect that, otherwise you become just as bad.

@Flerkin didn’t say the op should do that. Just what I would do.
Though I would have (and indeed have)nipped the interfering behaviour of relatives in the bid a long time ago.

*typos! I’m sorry!

I promised DD I wouldn't say anything and I wont. She felt embarrassed too cos her dad got on to her about it.
So my sister has gone in, created chaos and gets to feel like she's sorted everything out which is not the case. At all.
And probably feel very satisfied with herself because no one is going to tell her any different.
I did hope that now my dd is an adult my family would start to leave her to it.

"So my sister has gone in, created chaos and gets to feel like she's sorted everything out which is not the case. At all. "

She'll only feel like she sorted everything out if he now shifts gear and gets the trip sorted.

And he wont do a thing about it. He never does. Ever. Only if it suits him.
I took DD to visit his family despite his endless promises. And that was 7 years ago. After that he promised hed take her and as yet has done FA.
His nephew got married earlier this year and he went and told dd about it afterwards and actually wondered why she wasny there
..this is what we r dealing with
Total dick. No amount of shouting or phone calls will change it.

I get your frustration and the backstory, still doesn’t change the fact that this is your DD’s relationship/s to manage. At 26 she really is old enough.