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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you are divorced or are getting divorced...

42 replies

HarryRug · 20/08/2019 08:16

Was it foreseeable at the time of your marriage? I know three couples currently divorcing/just divorced. At least one person in each couple has said that they knew they were making a mistake on their wedding day. I’m really interested to know if looking back on it now you thought the marriage was a mistake at the time. I know this is a highly emotive subject so please feel free to ignore this question and only respond if you won’t find it a distressing subject to talk about.

OP posts:

NewMe2019 · 20/08/2019 08:26

My friend thought on her wedding day 'at least I can get divorced' she now is.

I had some doubts and wasn't 100% sure we would be together forever. I'm now getting divorced.

Choice4567 · 20/08/2019 08:29

I don’t think I knew it was inevitable, but at the time I knew I was desperate to get married for all the wrong reasons; my friends were all getting married; I didn’t have a plan for my life and I felt like getting married would fix that.

OnlineAlienator · 20/08/2019 08:29

Not at all, i was 100% convinced it was forever :( otherwise i wouldnt have considered marriage.

Takemebacktolondon · 20/08/2019 08:38

No definitely not.

Parent999 · 20/08/2019 08:45

I knew I loved my ex more than anything in the world but the red flags were banging away in the background. She was far more interested in bickering with her family and criticising the catering than just enjoying the wedding day.

Original poster

HarryRug · 20/08/2019 08:45

Thank you for answering. I’m asking because my sibling (I’m trying not to be outing) says they knew they were making a mistake when they moved in with their spouse but then went on to marry and have a child together. The spouse caused lots of problems in the family (demanding money from my parents, being racist, lying about family members etc etc) and I can’t understand how my sibling kept the relationship going if they had known from the beginning it was wrong.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 20/08/2019 08:47

No - I went into marriage with it being a life long commitment.
Unfortunately my ExH didn't.
Cheating is a deal-breaker for me.
But we were together for 15 years and I thought it would last forever.

Choice4567 · 20/08/2019 08:52

I think even though I felt deep down it probably wasn’t right, I thought maybe marriage would help. Then I was desperate to have a child, and I thought that might help. Things weren’t terrible but I never should have married him. And I felt guilty about that so stayed for a long time to try and make it work

Flerkin · 20/08/2019 08:53

Hindsight makes you see something different though.

When I got married I really thought it was forevermore looking back now, I was ignoring some huge red flags.

But I grew up in an abusive house. I had no idea what normal is. If I was as worldly wise as I am now, back then I wouldnt have got married. I was desperate for a relationship where I was loved. Ibdidnt realise that at the time. I just though we were a good match.

Now I realise he was already showing signs of wanting to control me. He cant have loved me because he wanted me to change so much and knew marrying me, would make me more compliant.

But on that day, I was confident he loved me. I loved him and we were happy to have found each other.

So looking back now, it was obvious it wouldnt work. I was just so damaged by my upbringing that I couldnt and wouldnt see it.

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 20/08/2019 09:49

yes. I loved him to pieces but I ignored a few red flags hoping that marriage would change him- doh!

gemh1984 · 20/08/2019 10:31

I thought it was forever but didn't realise at the time the intense shaking I experienced walking down the aisle was a panic attack. (thought it was just nerves) Something in me obviously did know it was wrong.

Weezol · 20/08/2019 10:43

I too thought it was a lifetime commitment. Not a doubt in my mind.

Less than a year later, I was in the 'Legal' section of Waterstones looking up grounds for divorce. Convinced myself it was all because I was stressed at work.

I was blinded by the abusive relationship I'd had prior to him. Nothing H was doing was as bad as that, so it must have been me, right?

Yeah, he was sulking, drinking all hours, gaslighting me and we never had sex, but at least he wasn't raping me or telling me I couldn’t have friends or threatening me with a machete, so it wasn't that bad, was it?

Fast forward to ten years and I found out he was cheating. That fucker was outside the front door with a change of pants and no door keys in less than an hour. I wasn’t scared of him like I was the ex, and I'd got rid of the ex so he was a piece of piss in comparison.

I now have boundaries of steel.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 20/08/2019 12:32

The warning signs were all there. Jealousy. Insecurity. Anger if she felt crossed. Depression and anxiety, that she expected me to make better for her. But I was very young, and very much in love. I truly believed I could make everything right for her.

Never again.

MrsJonesAndMe · 20/08/2019 13:04

Yes I did have doubts but was very stubborn. I believed in for better or for worse until I was in the worse and it was all one sided. Saw the real cracks when DC was born. Took me at least a year of agonising before ending it.

sofato5miles · 20/08/2019 13:27

I pretty much put myself in my own arranged marriage. A lot of boxes ticked: friends, same outlook; wanted to move abroad; same lifestyle wants, same family desires and values. BUT I knew I didn't love him and it was unlikely to grow, despite my hope.

Lasted 17 years married though.

boringornot · 20/08/2019 13:47

Shortly after I had DC1 I started to think I should divorce. But still had DC2 (planned) and stayed around for 10 years. Planning to divorce now.

I think it's normal to figure out you have to separate and still take years to actually do it.

CassianAndor · 20/08/2019 13:52

Yes. The marriage lasted less than a year and I knew it was wrong before, and after.

It's behind me now but it's my one real regret that I ever married him in the first place. I put him, me and our families through a lot of angst.

Cath2907 · 20/08/2019 14:17

No, we married in 2006 and divorced in 2019. I was fully committed to spending my life with him. Now I look back many of the things that eventually contributed to our divorcing were there at the start to a much lesser degree. However the pressure of his long term unemployment, mental health issues, a kid, a dog and life in general exacerbated the issues massively. I suspect it was salvageable even up to the day I asked him to leave. If he'd only said he didn't want to get divorced and was committed to working on the issues I'd have stayed. There was no domestic violence, no adultery - just a gradual alienation and a lack of meeting one anothers needs.

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/08/2019 14:20

By the end of the day, I knew he was more bothered about his Mum than me, I should have seen it sooner, to be honest. In my defence I was young.

whocanbebothered · 20/08/2019 14:29

Yes, I knew. It was your bog standard Elastoplast to fix a gaping amputation wound for us. I hated literally every second of my wedding, he was insanely drunk from the moment I walked up the aisle and even worse when I had to physically put him to bed in the evening. We never recovered from that; I never forgave him for spoiling that day. He couldn't behave for just one sodding day. I left him less than 6 months later. I regret the marriage as it made it so much harder to get away from him. It was years of stress, drama and solicitors fees trying to escape his control.

I 100% never thought the consequences of it through. Like a PP has mentioned, I did 100% think "Ach, I can just get a divorce". Years later I realise how damaging the divorce process was for my MH (he was very abusive). Actually the even bigger thing for me now is the sad realisation that I have found the perfect man for me but the wedding will always just be "the second marriage" and it all loses some of its fanfare and specialness, somehow. I would still be thrilled to marry him and I think I appreciate now that the marriage is the important thing rather than the wedding, but it still leaves a bitter taste that I had my "big" wedding and I wasted it on a tosser.

Important, costly but ultimately valuable lessons all round for me.

Missbee90 · 20/08/2019 14:51

Together 11 years, married a year when he decided he didn’t love me anymore .. I had no doubts .. he said he had none too.. but decided 6 months after marrying me he didn’t love me anymore... x

fotheringhay · 20/08/2019 15:06

I understand you want to support your sibling, but have you tried asking why they stayed, rather than just saying you can't understand it?

We can't rewind the clock, so even if they 'should' have ended it before the wedding, you can't get those years back for him/her. I know it's really sad.

Do what you can to support them now (and please don't be smug - I'm just mentioning it because I think my dsis is smug about choosing a good dh when I didn't)

LifeOfBox · 20/08/2019 15:10

No doubts here at all.

ScreamingLadySutch · 20/08/2019 15:21

What @hellsbellsmelons said.

I was convinced we were a lifelong team and I was devastated. Intimate betrayal shatters everything, it is hard to describe how destructive it is.

How much did I really know this person? What was real? Horrendous, makes me shiver just to remember it.

EntirelyAnonymised · 20/08/2019 15:24

I am not getting divorced but I agree with the PP re hindsight. It can also depend on your background too. For instance, I am happily married and have been for almost two decades, neither of us has plans to leave the other (as far as I know). However, my childhood experience of marriage was that it was a violent, insecure, fragile thing and so whilst I adored DH (and our relationship was none of those things), I still felt some misgivings about marriage itself. If we do end up divorced in the future, I could easily look back and reflect on those feelings as being doubts about my relationship.

(I’m not minimising the issues of those who did have doubts on their wedding day btw)

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