If you are divorced or are getting divorced...

[HarryRug]

Was it foreseeable at the time of your marriage? I know three couples currently divorcing/just divorced. At least one person in each couple has said that they knew they were making a mistake on their wedding day. I’m really interested to know if looking back on it now you thought the marriage was a mistake at the time. I know this is a highly emotive subject so please feel free to ignore this question and only respond if you won’t find it a distressing subject to talk about.

I had no doubts marrying dh I thought it was forever unfortunately 19 years later we are separating due to his constant lies over messaging and meeting up with another woman

I was in it for life until DH insisted twice that he'd only given up drinking as DD had threatened to cut all contact if he continued - he's an alcoholic.

We separated a year after I realised that he was just as nasty and unpleasant even when he was no longer drinking.

Just after we separated, he told me that the day we met he knew that he had to destroy me, and then added that despite himself he couldn't stop himself for falling in love with me due to my strong character.

Summoned by the local police for aggression, he got a rottweiler of a barrister who offered to act for him in divorce, despite an agreement to divorce in the UK.

Today is my 42nd wedding anniversary........so no, I didn't anticipate it, but should have done and gone to the pub and watched the roses cricket match with my father.

I thought at the time it would be absolutely for life and I was totally dedicated and stayed in love.

He was unfaithful and would not give the woman up. In our discussions, at the time, he told me he had doubts on our wedding day and had always felt a gap,....

Looking back now, I see I ignored huge red flags (HUGE! He had already left me twice for other women!!!) How utterly nutty to have thought it would work..... it did for 16 years..... but he was never as convinced as me! Now, I have realized how much better there is out there for me. I met him when I was 17- so had zero reference points.... am so grateful I have had an opportunity to reboot my life and experience better things than a half-hearted man! 😁

@fotheringhay thank you for your post. I haven’t said a word to my sibling of criticism but it is good to be reminded I should make sure it stays that way even after the divorce as that hadn’t occurred to me. I have paid for advice for the divorce solicitor, I have given other practical support and will continue to do so. The spouse was particularly unpleasant to me and my DH and DC, but at my parents’ request I’ve always been polite, as they said one day it will fall apart and sibling needs to know we will be there for them. It is hard though.

I’ve now read all the responses from everyone. Thank you so much for sharing. It’s really helped me understand. I’m
Sorry for everyone who has been through what I’m sure were very traumatic experiences. Hopefully each of you has or will find happiness soon.

Not at all. I thought it would last forever and even though I'm the primary instigator I'm still sad that it hasn't.

H said he knew that he was "compromising" he's currently sleeping in the spare room and wants to properly split next year when he can afford to buy another house

harryrug - it’s really interesting to read your posts.

Did you like your siblings partner at any stage or did any of you voice your concerns?

Did you celebrate their marriage/wedding?

Interested as am going through something similar myself!

@Flatsfromnowon we have always been supportive and rarely said anything negative, but there have been occasions when I or my mother have voiced concern to my sibling. For example when my parents helped me with the deposit for a flat (as they had done for sibling before and with a deposit for a house for sibling and spouse) the spouse approached my parents and said they (spouse) should also receive a flat as I “was getting one”. My parents were in a very awkward position and I spoke to my sibling then. My parents and I were invited to the wedding but spouse’s family had all roles such as readings, witness of register etc. On first table plan one of my parents was not on top table (that parent is Asian and spouse is racist). I spoke to sibling about that saying both parents should be on top table and that was remedied, but as a punishment I was then seated on a table with no one I knew next to the fire escape behind a pillar! They are two occasions which spring to mind when I mentioned I was worried spouse did not respect my sibling and they had very different outlooks on life. My mother tried to speak to sibling before the wedding but sibling was adamant all was ok. My father spoke with family friends who all cautioned against saying anything as they thought it would push sibling and spouse closer and further away from family. We all attended the wedding and gave generous gifts. None of the rest of our family (aunts, uncles, grandparents etc were invited so just 3 of us form sibling’s side of family). Not sure if that answers your question.

No, I never liked spouse because spouse struck me from early on as controlling, insecure and jealous as well as money grabbing. However, parents and I always offered practical help and were welcoming to spouse. Help included looking after spouse’s young child, decorating new home, money, holidays etc. Never any criticism made of Spouse to spouse or sibling except odd occasions as described above.

I had my doubts on my wedding day. Whether to go through with it. I did because I loved him. We are now separated and will be divorcing. It's sad because I wanted it to work.

The best way I can describe the demise of my marriage is "death by a thousand cuts" Say 250 of those happened pre marriage, but I hoped we'd be ok because we had our good times and it wasnt all awful.

But over time, it all wore me down and I'd had enough. I knew I'd spend the rest of my life constantly picking up the pieces.

It makes me sad, truly, that it ended this way.

I had tried to end the relationship 6 months before our wedding, he threatened to commit suicide & then convinced me it was pre wedding nerves. Right up to walking down the aisle I was hoping & praying that something would stop the wedding. I wanted to speak up & stop everything but I didn't have the courage to speak up, plus my parents had paid out loads for the wedding. I spent 8 years convincing myself I was ok, he was diagnosed with MS when I was 7 months pregnant with ds, had he been diagnosed earlier in my pregnancy I would have terminated & ended my marriage. The last 2 years were frankly awful, I knew I didn't love him & knew I couldnt spend the rest of my life with him, I even had an affair in the hope he would divorce me, he said he forgave me. Eventually things got really bad, we couldnt bear to be in the same room as each other, he got abusive, emotionally, financially & physically. 12 days before I left him, he raped me. In the months after leaving, I had a nervous breakdown & 9 years on I'm still not the person I was before I met him.

I think there should be a cooling off period after getting married, it is the biggest financial commitment you can make, most other financial commitments have a cooling off period.

I also ignored massive red flags, I’m still recovering and recognising more after the divorce. Mine was also death of a thousand cuts. I feel now completely unable to see what men are offering/wanting from me and whether they are genuine or not. I alternate between naive and cynical.
I think when I married I believed it was forever because I wanted to.

@Nat6999 oh goodness, I am so sorry..... what an awful experience to go through....

It is remarkable how many of us had some form of doubt (or obvious reasons to doubt that we refused to see)... I wonder if a few sessions of individual therapy a few months before the wedding would have helped unearth these things and avoid the mistakes.

That said, I will never regret my marriage (which was not abusive), because it resulted in my daughter. I completely understand those who would unwrite history if they could - especially if they were treated awfully- but for me my daughter has always been what has stopped me from truly regretting anything.

No. My husband turned into a crazed monster. I had no idea.

fwiw I'm a professional person with an impressive C. V. and very independent.

I had some doubts but thought we could make it work.

When the time came to walk into the register office room I asked for a minute to think but the staff told me I had to go in immediately