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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overthinking

32 replies

AddisonForbesMontgomery · 19/08/2019 18:54

It’s what the subject header says really,

I’ve begun to speak to a new man, he seems lovely, we seem to have a lot in common, I would like to meet him, but (because there’s always a but), I escaped an abusive relationship two and a half years ago, so I keep looking for fault in him and a reason why this couldn’t work.

I perused his Facebook following us adding each other and he is a leave voter (I really wish this were a lighthearted thread), so I’ve started to have doubts, because I am remain. Now I should say, whatever his views are it’s up to him and I don’t believe in judging, the main reason this has bothered me is because my ex believed one thing, and I another, and over time my belief was eroded and belittled by him. I’m so afraid of starting something off when we have such opposing views on a contentious and current issue.

Can anyone help me with my overthinking please?

OP posts:
pog100 · 19/08/2019 19:59

I know this is controversial but personally I just couldn't date a leave voter. I'm kind of ashamed of that but it's the truth.

flamingnoravera · 19/08/2019 20:23

My dating profile has the strap line "leavers swipe left" I simply could not start a relationship with someone who believes that leave crap. I have had lots of nasty messages as a result and it simply reinforces my view that I don't want to meet those kinds of men. I totally get you. Look again there will be more out there who you can get on with, I promise.

MikeUniformMike · 19/08/2019 20:49

You could ask him why he voted Leave. If he has a valid reason, then decide.

Someoneontheweb · 19/08/2019 20:52

Having opposite political views would be difficult/impossible to sustain for me.

Original poster
AddisonForbesMontgomery · 19/08/2019 21:13

These replies definitely make me feel a bit better and like I’m maybe not overthinking it, thank you all

OP posts:
SoyDora · 19/08/2019 21:15

I have to agree with the PP’s. As it’s something I feel so strongly about, I would struggle to be in a relationship with someone who held such opposing views.

BraveGoldie · 19/08/2019 21:33

Yikes! I will need to be the dissenter. Op, I would suggest you have a chat with him. See this as practice in holding your own views.....

Obviously if he is a bonkers anti-immigration/racist type, I definitely couldn't date that nor should you ...... but someone with a preference for democratic power being held more at a local level, for example, should be manageable..... ?

In fact how he has the conversation with you (if he is respectful of your views while sharing his own with self-reflection) will give you a lot of useful information. Respectful differences - in opinions and character- between partners are good, I think. 😊 If he is dismissive of your views or has dumb ones of his own, then sure chuck him, but if you chuck him without checking, that just feels like you are ducking a healthy challenge.

crappyday2018 · 19/08/2019 22:22

I agree with the others. I wouldn't like it but don't write him off yet. I think you have to actually tell him you worry about your opposing views and see what he has to say. I do believe everyone has a right to their own opinion and he may have some reasons for that vote that don't involve immigration for example.

Emerald46 · 19/08/2019 22:38

Yes, to agree with @BraveGoldie. I would ask him - it will be good for you to assert your views, knowing that they will oppose his and also, he might have non-racist views (may be a business owner, for example, who thinks it would be good for him financially, etc). I am a form remainder but I wouldn't dismiss him out of hand until I heard his reasons for the 'leave vote'.

Emerald46 · 19/08/2019 22:40

Sorry - I meant *I am a firm remainer...!

PeterthePainter · 20/08/2019 01:47

There is actually a serious leaver argument based not on economics but on the EU's lack of a proper democratic process. Having said that, I've only ever met 2 leavers who could articulate that argument (or were even aware of its existence). I'd ask him why he voted leave? He may have good and valid reasons, and take it from there.

[And, as a remainer, no I am not going to explain what those arguments are!]

TimeForNewStart · 20/08/2019 02:10

It sounds to me like you’re not ready to date, regardless of his or your respective political views.

Monty27 · 20/08/2019 02:43

Maybe you won't like him anyways

Rachelover40 · 20/08/2019 04:01

I wouldn't have that much in common with a 'leave' voter but have known some who have changed their minds. However, you haven't even met this bloke yet - and don't have to - so it's hardly relevant.

sofato5miles · 20/08/2019 04:17

I couldn't date a leave voter. My opinions on it and the people who voted leave are just too strong.

StateOfMind · 20/08/2019 04:36

I don’t think you’re in the right headspace to date, honestly. If you were in an abusive relationship, have you done the freedom plan?

Monty27 · 20/08/2019 05:41

Give him a swerve

flamingpink · 20/08/2019 05:51

I couldn’t date a leave voter as it would show that we have fundamentally a different moral code. We wouldn’t be compatible. It’s the same as football. I couldn’t date a footballer as I can’t stand it. You’re allowed to select your partner based on likes/dislikes.

Original poster
AddisonForbesMontgomery · 20/08/2019 06:07

I have worked hard to be in a place where I’m able to date, with counselling etc, I know I’m in the right place but thank you to those of you who expressed concern.

There are a lot of good points here, I do believe in open conversation with a partner so maybe I should speak to him before ditching him? I suppose he could easily feel the same about me being a remainer

OP posts:
BlueMoon1103 · 20/08/2019 06:38

This is why I hate Brexit. Not all leavers hate immigrants and are racist by the way.

SpagBowl99 · 20/08/2019 06:39

My parents voted leave, myself remain. It was tough to start with. I see both sides of the argument. I like what someone else suggests, which is to ask him why and for more detail, than you could discuss and see.

amylou8 · 20/08/2019 06:46

What has he put on Facebook? A couple of shares of articles in favour of leave...maybe. A barrage of anti EU memes and rants about getting our country back...bye!

Robin2323 · 20/08/2019 06:50

Not sure it makes any difference
It's the the whole person
Is he kind, funny, intelligent
Respectful ?
These are the things that really matter.

Gorillaandme · 20/08/2019 06:52

I definitely think your over thinking. I'm remain and my husband leave I just joke I will always cancel his vote out 😆 I would meet him and see how it goes. But if this is bothering you this much already then maybe he's not for you.

Pinkmonkeybird · 20/08/2019 09:29

A friend of mine was chatting to a chap on a dating app and they were making arrangements to meet up, he then asked whether she voted to Leave or Remain. When she told him she voted Remain the conversation turned nasty, so she had to block him. Personally I couldn't date a Leave voter unless they could convince me their vote was not based on immigration and bigotry. I know not all Leave voters based their vote on this, but many did.