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Original poster

OH spending my money

33 replies

Zelda69 · 19/08/2019 18:07

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, and bought a house nearly 3.5years ago. About a year after we bought our house he got into some gambling debt of approximately £30k and owed me a further £10k from times I'd bailed him out. He set up a debt management plan and is well on the way to paying back that £30k, he only has about 8months left. Unfortunately in this time his debt to me has increased to about £14k because firstly he overspends and secondly because he gives money to his sister. She too has gambling problems and often spends more money than what she has and so my bf will give her money so she can pay her rent and avoid being made homeless along with her 2 young children. It's worth noting that me and his entire family have never really gotten along, they decided pretty early on that I was using him for his money, that I was a cheat and was generally a bad person. So naturally I dislike them in return!
When i confront him about giving his sister all this money, money he certainly doesn't have to give, and money I can barely afford to have taken from our account, he just goes on about how he doesn't want his sister and neices to lose their home. He doesn't appreciate that we are at risk of losing our home if it continues because we won't be able to pay our mortgage.
Yesterday, he gave her £600 and I told him not to bother coming home because it was the final straw. He returned home, and we had an argument. He then said that he keeps giving his sister money because if he refuses, she'll have nothing more to do with him and he is scared of being left with nobody if him and I were to break up for some reason. I said that the only reason we'd break up is if he keeps giving MY money to his family. It's now 24hrs later and I don't know what I should do. Do I stick to my guns and call it a day even though if he were to cut his family off 99% of our arguments would be resolved? Do I carry on as we are and just accept that I'm going to have to keep funding her bad decisions? I'm at a loss, I don't feel I have anyone to talk to.
I thought that once the £30k debt was paid off we could start living our lives again. Everything has been put on hold for the past 2.5years, but it seems like as soon as things start to look more positive there's another problem.

OP posts:
TheCatsACunt · 19/08/2019 18:21

I’d get out.

You’ll never be this man’s priority. He’ll always put his addiction and his family ahead of you.

You’re already ridiculously tied to him financially. Remove what’s yours from the joint account. Don’t let him do any more damage.

puguin86 · 19/08/2019 18:22

Stick to your guns Op. LTB. They never fucking change. I am the voice of bitter experience. You deserve so much better

BelulahBlanca · 19/08/2019 18:24

where would you stand getting your 14K back, OP?

GreenTulips · 19/08/2019 18:25

How does he has access to such sums? Is it a joint account

chansondematin · 19/08/2019 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

havanaoohnana · 19/08/2019 18:38

Are you sure he's giving it to his sister, and not gambling again himself?

My dad was a gambler. They are never completely cured imo.

SummerInTheVillage · 19/08/2019 18:39

Stick to your guns. You are worth so much better.

Lucyccfc68 · 19/08/2019 18:52

My ex-DH was exactly like this, except he had no access to my bank account. He would regularly not pay towards the mortgage or bills, as he would go to the bookies and gamble a whole months salary in one go.

His Dad bailed him out to the tune of £42k.

Final straw for me, was him stealing money from me.

I chucked him out and he then got into a relationship with a woman, who he also took for a ride. He used to tell her that I was demanding maintenance or I wouldn't let him see his DS. This was a lie. She used to give him the money and he would gamble it.

I'll bet he is lying about giving money to his sister. Change your bank details and don't give him any more opportunities to steal from you. Then get rid. He will get you further and further into debt and you will lose your house.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/08/2019 18:57

You have enabled this man continuously to both your financial and emotional detriments. You need to ask yourself why you did this at all, did you grow up seeing similar from a parent?. Enabling has only given you a false sense of control and has not helped you or he.

I would also think he is lying about his sister and using her as a cover for gambling debts. She also apparently has a gambling problem which is another red flag here amongst many. Stick to your guns and call this whole thing a day. He has only dragged you down with him and sadly you have also allowed this to happen.

Get him out of your life permanently now before he does you yet more harm to you financially and emotionally.

cees · 19/08/2019 19:04

Stop this madness now, you are their cash cow. Dump him and sell the home that binds you to him. Are you sure he hasn't taken out any loans in your name?

HappyHammy · 19/08/2019 19:08

How does he access your money. Cancel your joint account if you have one, have your own account, stop giving them money and fuelling their addiction. His sister is not your responsibility.

Skittlenommer · 19/08/2019 19:30

Buying a house with him after only being together 1.5 years was not a smart move (as time has demonstrated). I’d call it a day and I’d recover the rest of the costs through court if necessary! I’m astounded it’s gotten to this point!

Skittlenommer · 19/08/2019 19:32

Actually having said that... sell the house and recover the costs that way! Take what he owes you from his share!

category12 · 19/08/2019 19:37

You can't make him cut off his family and think that will solve your problems. It won't. Because your problem is him.

Brideof2020 · 19/08/2019 20:52

I don't thinking he is giving money to his sister... or he is but then she is gambling for him as well as herself IYSWIM. Hes going to great lengths to cover up the fact he's still gambling.

If you want to stay only put in your joint account your share of the household bills. Make sure he has no access to your own bank account. Open a new one if needs be.

If you want to leave, can you afford to buy him out if the house and recoup your £14k that way. Alternatively presumably youd have to sell and you try to recoup it that way.

Good luck OP whatever you decide Flowers

Chansondematin · 15/09/2019 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bananalanacake · 15/09/2019 20:25

I also think living together after one and a half years is way too soon. you could have rented to see what he was like. buying is too big a commitment.

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 15/09/2019 20:33

I think you need to leave and find someone who is on a level with you about money and the direction you are going in. This man will only weigh you down like a bag of bricks and you’ll be struggling to stay on an even keel. He won’t want you to leave because you are his, and his family’s golden goose. Five years is a long time to give up on, but it’s better than five years and a day.

tribpot · 15/09/2019 20:34

he got into some gambling debt of approximately £30k and owed me a further £10k from times I'd bailed him out.
This is a staggering sum of money. Did it really all accrue in the year after you bought the house? If it did, can you see that he basically used you as an ATM from day one? How many bills was he not contributing to in this year on top of the money you had lent him?

if him and I were to break up for some reason
This is the reason. You absolutely cannot remain financially shackled to someone this flaky.

Even if he is giving the money to his sister, he is giving your money to her. You urgently need to sell up and sever all financial ties to him. He can move into his sister's and let's see how they get on keeping a roof over their heads without you to bail them out.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 15/09/2019 20:43

Well I'd start by him not a.v m having access to my money.

He hasn't nearly paid off £30k debt, has he. He's accrued another £14k debt to you.

He is not over his gambling problem and he's not willing to see that he's facilitating his sister's with money that isn't even his.

Seperate your finances as quickly as you can. Frog March him to the help and self-exclusion pages of all the bookie websites, (lots of links to charities that can help him) and in store shops too. It won't cure him but will make it more difficult.

Haffiana · 15/09/2019 20:52

If you have proof that he is actually giving his sister the money, then I think you need to consider that he is in fact repaying money that he has already borrowed from her.

A gambler's first and often only priority is gambling.

BumbleBeee69 · 15/09/2019 22:44

This man has no respect for you, and he never will, you are nothing more than a bank card to him and will always be a meal ticket for him and his family. Pick up your self respect and and get out of this relationship if you can even call it that anymore. Flowers

timshelthechoice · 15/09/2019 23:13

I'll be straight with him: you would be stupid to stay with this guy. He's a fuckwit and an addict and you mean FA to him. You stay with him and you will have FA - he will not care - you will lose everything.

glitterfarts · 16/09/2019 10:03

How much equity is in the house? Did you buy it as joint tenants?

I'd be looking to have him sign it over to you completely, pay him out, less the £15k he owes you and get rid.

This will never end.

Or sell the house, split the proceeds and split with him. Either way, immediately cut off his access to any of your money or the mortgage payments, run a credit check on yourself.

ColaFreezePop · 16/09/2019 10:19

He is lying to both you and his family to cover his gambling addiction. His lies have ensured you both do not get on so you cannot question him.

First ensure you have written proof of the money he owes you and ensure he cannot say it was a gift.

Then kick him out of the house.