Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OH spending my money

33 replies

Zelda69 · 19/08/2019 18:07

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, and bought a house nearly 3.5years ago. About a year after we bought our house he got into some gambling debt of approximately £30k and owed me a further £10k from times I'd bailed him out. He set up a debt management plan and is well on the way to paying back that £30k, he only has about 8months left. Unfortunately in this time his debt to me has increased to about £14k because firstly he overspends and secondly because he gives money to his sister. She too has gambling problems and often spends more money than what she has and so my bf will give her money so she can pay her rent and avoid being made homeless along with her 2 young children. It's worth noting that me and his entire family have never really gotten along, they decided pretty early on that I was using him for his money, that I was a cheat and was generally a bad person. So naturally I dislike them in return!
When i confront him about giving his sister all this money, money he certainly doesn't have to give, and money I can barely afford to have taken from our account, he just goes on about how he doesn't want his sister and neices to lose their home. He doesn't appreciate that we are at risk of losing our home if it continues because we won't be able to pay our mortgage.
Yesterday, he gave her £600 and I told him not to bother coming home because it was the final straw. He returned home, and we had an argument. He then said that he keeps giving his sister money because if he refuses, she'll have nothing more to do with him and he is scared of being left with nobody if him and I were to break up for some reason. I said that the only reason we'd break up is if he keeps giving MY money to his family. It's now 24hrs later and I don't know what I should do. Do I stick to my guns and call it a day even though if he were to cut his family off 99% of our arguments would be resolved? Do I carry on as we are and just accept that I'm going to have to keep funding her bad decisions? I'm at a loss, I don't feel I have anyone to talk to.
I thought that once the £30k debt was paid off we could start living our lives again. Everything has been put on hold for the past 2.5years, but it seems like as soon as things start to look more positive there's another problem.

OP posts:
Ihatefootball86 · 16/09/2019 10:29

You would be an utter fool to stay wih this man! He'll be spending the kids Christmas money and all sorts if you have a family with him.
Run in the opposite direction!!!

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/09/2019 11:11

How did you get a mortgage? Did he not have ANY debts before you and he got together? When did he start gambling? Or is the mortgage all in your name...

I'm interested that his family (one of whom is, apparently, another gambler) thought that you were with him 'for his money'. So either he is from a very well off family or nobody else knows about this gambling addiction. Yet, both and and his sister gamble to the extent of near homelessness?

The whole family sounds entirely broken beyond repair. Get out now, before he (and possibly his sister, but I'd take bets on the whole family having a heap of other problems) drag you down with them.

Whatisthisfuckery · 16/09/2019 12:21

The fact that his family think it’s you who are after his money would be ringing massive alarm bells for me. I mean, nobody jumps to a conclusion like that without having it suggested to them somehow.

My bet, if I were the gambling type, would be that he’s spinning stories to his sister, that you want money for x y and z, when actually what he wants is money to cover his own gambling habits, and the line he’s spun you about his sisters gambling is just projection. Let’s face it, it would make perfect sense. Your O, ‘can I borrow some money sis? Girlfriend has bought new phone/new shoes/whatever and now I’m short for the mortgage.’ Then he has to pay her back, so he comes to you. ‘Oh love, sis needs some money. She’s run a gambling debt and can’t pay her rent.’ He’s playing you off against each other to cover his own gambling. His family think you’re a frivolous gold digger and you think his sister is a gambling addict, which strangely enough is just what your O happens to be, only he already knows he can push your sympathy buttons with that particular thing, having already done it on his own account. It’s a tried and tested method, only now he’s bullshitting about who the gambler is.

Let me guess, there’s some manufactured reason why you don’t speak to the sister. She thinks you’re a money grabber, O says you can’t mention it because it’s too awkward. There’s some reason why you and sister don’t communicate about what money is changing hands or what it’s supposedly for.

This is not only financially draining, and dangerous, but it’s incredibly deceptive and dishonest.This is not a person you want to be financially bound to. Sooner or later his other sources of money will run dry, and then what? Also, I wouldn’t be so sure that that 30k is the only debt he has. I think there’s an old adage with gamblers, that whatever debts they say they’ve got, double it. There’s always more than they’ll admit to and if he’s still at it, as it would certainly appear he is, then there’s more you don’t know about.

Firstly you need to check he’s got no debts in your name. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that he has. Secondly you need to sever financial links with him so he can’t drag you down. If you Get a bad credit score due to debt, lose your house or have to sell it you’ll be royally screwed on the credit risk front. That shit can drag you down for years to the point that even getting a mobile contract becomes problematic. You haven’t caused this so you should never have to suffer the consequences. Get smart, or you’ll end up getting shafted.

Mintjulia · 16/09/2019 12:58

Take away access to your bank account. . And don’t give him any more money. If he defaults on the mortgage, kick him out.

Time to stand your ground.

Twillow · 16/09/2019 13:07

It doesn't sound as if it will ever end. I thin you should cut your losses. He's not giving his sister his money, he's in debt and running more up - he's actually giving her your money without your consent. That's stealing.

fancytiles · 16/09/2019 13:18

Honestly I would cut your losses and get out

nonmerci · 16/09/2019 13:34

Is it a joint bank account? If so, tell the bank you want to either close it or at least remove your name and set up your own account. Do not give him access to the new account of course.

I would seek legal advice and would leave. Sell the house if you can.

leaserspottedmummybird · 16/09/2019 16:07

Get out op. He is treating you like a door mat

New posts on this thread. Refresh page