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Original poster

Opposite sex can you be just friends?

30 replies

Mummytoonlychild · 19/08/2019 14:57

I don't really know what I'm asking but been working with this guy for just over a year and in the last few months we have been talking alot in work about anything and everything. And a few weeks ago we exchanged numbers and have been taking everyday in and out of work. He's even spoke about going for drinks and he's said he thinks we have a connection. The thing is I really like him. When I first met him I knew he was my type and decided I would not think of him that way at all. And as everyone knows you can't control how you feel and ive fell for him. I really like him as a person and as a man nothing will happen as he has a girlfriend. I could never be the other woman. I think what I'm wondering is am I overthinking this as friends have said you can never be just friends with someone of the opposite sex? I've never really had a male friend that's not gay and he has never implied anything sexual just about a connection sorry I'm rambling I think I just need peoples thoughts on this?

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 19/08/2019 15:03

You can definitely be friends with a member of the opposite sex. However that will be very difficult if you have feelings for him.

sue51 · 19/08/2019 15:06

Of course you can. You can also see a male friend as attractive and still have zero interest in him romantically or sexually.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 19/08/2019 15:07

Don’t do this to yourself.

Why would you want to knowingly put yourself in a situation where you get closer and closer to someone you like but ultimately can’t have?

walkintheparc · 19/08/2019 15:07

Of course you can! If you fancy him probably best to keep your distance

lasttimeround · 19/08/2019 15:11

Yes you can be friends but you have to not fancy each other. You also have to behave in ways that keep you not fancying each other. So the fact that you fancy him kinda sorta rules it out. And seriously dont do the being friends with someone you fancy hoping they'll change how they see you.

BroomstickOfLove · 19/08/2019 15:12

It's perfectly possible to just be friends with someone of a different sex to you. However, it doesn't sound as though that's what's happening with you and this guy, so in your situation, I'd steer clear of him outside of work stuff.

Sirzy · 19/08/2019 15:13

I think you can but I think if one is feeling attracted to the other then that makes it much more complex.

Me and my partner managed 8 years as best friends before we realised that actually we both wanted more.

munchkincity · 19/08/2019 15:20

Agree with PPs. I'm in my mid 40s and 2 of my male friends have been in my life since school, so well over 30 years...with no hint of sexual attraction from either side.

(Well, maybe once when we were around 15 I thought I might have fancied one of them, but that was very short-lived Grin)

I'm not sure the situation you describe could work though.

Original poster
Mummytoonlychild · 19/08/2019 15:20

@Lasttimeround
I may like him but I hold no hopes in him fancying me back at all. As silly as it sounds i could not break a relationship up it would kill me to do that. My main issue is I know I shouldn't see him out of work but if he was female I know we would be really good friends as he's such a nice guy I just wish I could turn my romantic feelings off 😣 I think I just need a slap

OP posts:
AmIThough · 19/08/2019 15:30

You could have just been friends if you hadn't developed feelings. Now that you have developed feelings, you need to back off out of respect for his girlfriend.

Alfiemoon1 · 20/08/2019 08:50

I agree you could be friends if you hadn’t developed feelings for him. So I also think you need to back off as he has a girlfriend for your own sake as well as hers

Takemebacktolondon · 20/08/2019 08:51

I’m sure you can but I’ve never managed it and I don’t think you will in this case either.

picklejimmy · 20/08/2019 08:53

My best friend is a man, but that only works because neither of us has ever had feelings for each other in any way.

ChippyPickledEggs · 20/08/2019 08:57

Yes, men and women can be friends. I think men and women who have an unacknowledged frisson, but who have water tight boundaries can probably enjoy a friendship.

HOWEVER. Feelings have been acknowledged here. He's told you there's a "connection." You're feeling sad and confused enough about the situation to ask for advice on Mumsnet. You and he are not friends and cannot be so. You're already in too deep for that. This isn't a friendship - this is an emotional entanglement.

ConfCall · 20/08/2019 08:59

It’s fine when there is no or little attraction.

Here, I think you’re opening yourself up to heartache. Even if he’s interested, he’s not in a position to act on it.

Pinkbonbon · 20/08/2019 09:07

Why is he texting you every day and asking you out if he has a gf? That's BANG out of order. If I was his partner I'd be fuming.

He is setting you up to be the other woman by the sounds of it.

From my exp, men and women can be friends...if they grew up together. Sometimes in the workplace too provided it is as part of a group friendship or keep in the office. There are exceptions... but yours is not one.

Tell this man you think he is cool but that it isn't appropriate for you two to gang out one on one socially if he has a gf. If he continues to push it or make bullshit excuses ('she's fine with it' ect) you know what a turd he is.

You'd be wise to dial back the texting too. You aren't a longtime friend, you fancy him and he has a gf so you are being disrespectful to her too.

Lumene · 20/08/2019 09:10

Yes but usually if you are asking that question at least one of you doesn’t want to be ‘just friends’...

Lumene · 20/08/2019 09:12

This is not a sentence I’ve ever heard someone straight say about a friend of the same sex:

He's even spoke about going for drinks and he's said he thinks we have a connection.

Pinkmonkeybird · 20/08/2019 09:13

Yes you can if there is no sexual attraction etc, but not if there is. Things get complicated.

Alfiemoon1 · 20/08/2019 09:39

He shouldn’t be telling you that he thinks you have a connection when he has a girlfriend

JacquesHammer · 20/08/2019 09:46

Yes of course you can in general.

In this situation it’s madness.

Original poster
Mummytoonlychild · 20/08/2019 09:54

I know it's madness I think I just needed someone to kick my ass for being stupid and I would rather it be a internet forum to a real like ass kicking as I know some of my actual friends would do

OP posts:
Daffodilsdaisy · 20/08/2019 09:54

Yes however what you are describing is not a friendship imo but the start of an affair for him and a white knuckle ride for you as the other woman which tbh you already are emotionally.

Why go for a drink with him? He says there is a connection? I expect he says the same to his gf. Meet her. He'll be keen to blend you into their friendship circle what with you being friends etc.

RLEOM · 20/08/2019 10:45

I used to think so, but all of my female friends who have male friends have had them try it on with them at some point. And my ex proved that point by sleeping with both of his female friends and is now dating one of them. I personally feel men are less trustworthy with friends of the opposite sex - they're always thinking with their penis.

whifflesqueak · 20/08/2019 10:55

As a woman with a lot of platonic male friends, I can confirm that what you are describing is not friendship.