So confused but actually not

[Onabusgoingnowhere]

Sorry for ambiguous title but I’ve name changed as have posted various things over the past year questioning if DH has been emotionally abusive/manipulative. Think silent treatment, angry outbursts, minor name calling, storming off without saying where - even on holiday. Joint counselling wasn’t helpful & led to his own counselling which just seemed to validate his reactions (his childhood had made him feel vulnerable etc). I’m now having my own counselling which he doesn’t know about which has been helpful. My therapist wouldn’t say if she thought he was abusive but did say that in a healthy relationship that word wouldn’t enter your head.

Anyway, after a mixed holiday (you may remember my post about him being really affectionate for the first few days then saying I wasn’t reciprocating enough at which point it all stopped), he said he could handle things like me going in the spare bedroom a couple of nights a week to escape his snoring (another issue but I set an alarm at 5.30 on those days so we are in the same bed to wake up), if there was affection outside of that. I suggested to my therapist that I try to make more effort to be affectionate but put sex on the back burner to build on other things for now). She thought that was an emotionally mature proposal.

It’s been going ok for the past few days although it felt weird to start with. But if we are affectionate in bed after a minute or so he’s up my top which puts me on edge. I have not said anything. After a good weekend when we were close & happy I thought, he’s put an arm over me in bed this morning (crack of dawn but there you go), I’ve done the same but The next minute he’s leapt out of bed, slammed the door, swearing under his breath. Says I’m being a block of ice & he can’t keep up with my moods.

I’m so confused but there’s a niggling voice wondering if this is all part of manipulation- we got close so he’s moving the goalposts re temporary ban on sex which he originally agreed on.

Please somebody tell me what you think.

So he's leaving the room swearing at you, and you are the one who is supposedly unfriendly and moody?

He muttered it under his breath. I’ve asked him what how he expected me to react but he can never answer.

And is this poor, vulnerable man trying his hardest to please you just as you are worrying about pleasing him?

I know , I spend so long thinking about how he’s behaving etc. I did say to him this morning that I’m not putting up with it anymore (it just came out, I surprised myself ha ha!) to which he replied: oh but I’m just expected to put up with your behaviour?!!!!

He has to answer somehow, and his only option is hitting right back at you, especially as it has worked so well so far, with you thinking that you are doing something wrong and tiptoeing around trying to get it right.

I wondered if I said I’d make an effort that would only work for so long then it would be not enough/something else...

How long are you going to live in this miserable state for? It's clearly not a healthy relationship and living in a constant state of combativeness with your partner is not a normal life.

Neither of you is happy, are you both still just in it for the kids or what is keeping you both together?

Please somebody tell me what you think

I think we've told you repeatedly on your other threads. Are you any more likely to listen this time, as in, actually leave this shitty excuse of a relationship?

then it would be not enough/something else...

This ^

Sorry

Have you looked at
https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

Ravens mum- Initially I was still here because of the kids (they are older kids tho) but I get that living like this is just as bad as if we separated.

Shatners (great name btw) - I appreciate your frustrations & yes I’ve been told repeatedly. I feel pathetic for still being here & still trying to fix it.

Codename - it’s not healthy I know & it’s bloody exhausting

Finally- I know of someone who went to a local freedom programme but everyone’s stories just sounded so awful that mine sounds like nothing in comparison.

OP not my frustrations but you're not going to get any different answers from your previous threads. You asked people to tell you what they think but you already know what they/we think. We've told you before. Why would we think any differently with your latest tale of shitty behaviour from your bloke? You say you're trying to fix it. This isn't something you can fix - you can't fix him or this relationship. You can't change him. The only thing you can change is you being in the middle of this. Your kids deserve better than this - leave for them if you won't do it for yourself.

Do the freedom course online - then you don't hear other people's stories. It's not a sliding scale of badness. It's how it affects you.

Haven't read your other threads, but just from this one I can see - He's not willing to work with you, and he's covertly pressuring you to submit to him dictating your sex life.

This is not a partner. Get rid. I appreciate that's easier said than done, but the first step is accepting the reality of what he's doing.

I'm sorry OP, I remember your previous thread. He's a narcissist and nothing you do will ever be good enough. Tell your counsellor he's a narcissist and if she doesnt understand then find another one that does. There's no point trying to 'fix' things because these men are selfish and only want their needs met. They play mind games and will keep moving the goalposts so you can never win.

The only option to have a happy life is the LEAVE!

Tyrotoxicity - I definitely feel pressured about the sex which is why I suggested a temporary ‘ban’ to see what he’d do.

Jaffacakes - I have mentioned that I think he’s narcissistic to my therapist & she said it’s difficult to label him without seeing him but he certainly has characteristics. But that these might be behaviour habits he’s stuck in??

And now you know what he'd do, OP - he'd ignore everything you've said about why you need a break from sex, he'd ignore your need for intimacy-without-sex, and he'd do his best to make you feel like shit and guilt you into abandoning the no-sex-for-the-sake-of-my-mental-health idea.

In a nutshell, prioritising his own sexual wants over your psychological wellbeing.

Now that you know this, what are you going to do about it?

But that these might be behaviour habits he’s stuck in??

And you're stuck in the behaviour of trying to fix the unfixable.

I don't think I've read your other threads.

My XH was very like yours. It took me 6 years to find the courage to leave so don't beat yourself up for trying to makenitbwork or not feeling strong enough to make the break.

This appears to have been going on for a while. The bottom line is, you can rationalise and make excuses for his behaviour from now until the end of time, but can you really continue to live with it at the expense of your own happiness and wellbeing.

I swore that I would wait until my DD was 16-18 before I left. I realised when she was 11 that I would die inside before I got to that point. It took the actual sudden death of someone very important to me to make me realise that we only get one shot.

It's been three years now and it's been fucking hard at times but I've never regretted leaving for a single second. My life is immeasurably improved without him in it, although I do sometimes wish I'd done it six year earlier.

Good luck

Exactly Mariana! OP, why is it your job to figure out how to make him change? I really don't agree with your counsellor on this and I'd suggest finding one who specialises in trauma and who understands narcissism. This has nothing to do with him falling into behaviour and has everything to do with you seeing him play out his own selfishness over and over again. He doesnt care about you. Look at his ACTIONS

The fact that you physically recoil when he touches you makes me think you are suffering trauma from his abuse. Your body knows this man does not care about you and it's about time your head catches up.

It took me a while to find the right counsellor but I knew she 'got it' straight away.

Mintycedric - I was very close to ending it at the beginning of this year (& 3 years before that) but decided to wait until my youngest had sat her GCSEs & eldest was settled in uni. Here we are at results week & not much has changed. I see now that it never will.

Jaffa - your post made me cry. It was like someone looking into my soul - sorry I know that sounds cheesy but you just get it. Up until the last session I thought my counsellor was right for me & there’s no doubt she has helped me feel validated & stronger. But I don’t think she gets the narcissism thing & I will look into a specialist counsellor. Thank you.

Just feel sick to my stomach that it seems my suspicions that he is that person aren’t wrong.

Onabus I can recommend a counsellor who specialises in narcissistic abuse - she does skype sessions if you're not in her area - message me if you want her details

I really feel for you OP and I also married a narcissist (and had DC) so I know how draining this all can be. I went to relationship counselling with my exH and they never told me I was being abused which makes me so angry looking back now. I too tried the whole being open, trying to compromise etc etc but all of that is utterly pointless with a narc because you already ARE doing ALL the compromising and it makes you feel even more responsible for the relationship failing. I think counsellors DO have a responsibility to tell you when you are being abused and although they cannot diagnose anyone as a narc, they should certainly be pointing you to the right resources.

Please believe me that nothing you do will change this man.

I also know that narcs feel entitled to sex and become pushy about it. The amount of times I was woken up in the middle of the night, exhausted from looking after DC and it was easier to let him have his way so I could go back to sleep. The endless strops he would go in because I didnt give him what he wanted actually meant I was being raped REPEATEDLY because sex was by coercion (and actual rape when he'd touch me in my sleep and I'd wake up to him having sex with me). This is so damaging and I've realised that I have PTSD from the abuse which is quite possible with you also (I know that feeling you are describing when he touches you).

This video explains the difference between intimacy (which is what you want and he is unable to give) and sex (which is ALL he wants).

I'm having my first EMDR therapy today for all of this (years after I left him). It is so so damaging living in this situation OP and I promise you that you and your DC will be so much happier out of this situation. Your DC know much more about what is going on than you realise.

Jaffa - good luck with your session.

He’s said to me that I’m clearly not enjoying sex which begs the question that why has he carried on in that moment if he thinks that. That’s effectively rape - I feel ridiculous even typing that.

I know my DC realise more than I think from little things they’ve said. Things like it’s not your fault Mum,

I am going to stop trying to fix this as if today & build up to ending it. I’m seeing the counsellor again in 3 weeks & at that point I think I’ll tell her I know Im being abused & he is a narcissist. Then find some specialist counselling. It’s going to be so hard.