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Original poster

Dh with ptsd has been drinking this weekend and we quarreled

46 replies

Flyingfish2019 · 19/08/2019 05:32

Just need to rant. My dh has ptsd. He does not really drink a lot but I am unhappy he drinks at all, because I think we shouldn’t.
This weekend he had his buddy staying here and they stayed awake and drank until the early morning hours. The started joyfully shouting and I woke up. They were in high spirits, but I got mad at them and told them to stop drinking hey were really, really drunk. We quarreled.
Dh told me he sometimes needs to drink in order to relax (because of having ptsd) and his friend even agreed with him.
Next night hubby did not sleep well and as a result I did not sleep well and I have a thousand to-dos this week.
Just learned about some of the to-dos this weekend.

OP posts:
SomebodysPerson · 19/08/2019 05:35

I think YABU. Them being noisy and waking you is out of order and I'd remind him of that, but he is entitled to have a (rare) drink with a friend and let loose a little bit. I'm not sure you can blame him having a drink on Saturday night for you not sleeping Sunday night - it's more likely you've wound yourself up out it and can't sleep because of that. That isn't his fault.

Luckybe40 · 19/08/2019 05:39

Controlling much? YABVVU! Imagine a man posting that about his wifeHmm why are you so controlling over his perfectly legitimate choices?

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 19/08/2019 05:42

When I said: He does not drink a lot I did not mean to say that he rarely ever drinks.
He drinks, he does not drink a lot... but he drinks a moderate amount, like circa one or two bottles of wine a week and he drinks in order to relax or sometimes he drinks because he cannot sleep. That’s why I really do not like it.
Actually I am really opposed to drinking. Rarely ever drink at all. Okay, that is my personal opinion and he doesn’t need to share it... but I think it is dangerous if people with ptsd drink in order to relax.

I did not sleep well the night after that because he didn’t and I woke up because of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 19/08/2019 05:44

Addition: he also has a lot of trouble sleeping and I think staying up until the early morning hours doesn’t help because it destroys the sleep rhythm.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 19/08/2019 05:48

So you don’t want him to have a drink with his mates and you want him to go to bed early every night?

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 19/08/2019 05:55

@PotteringAlong To be very honest. Yes, I would be happy if he went to bed early and did not drink. Why? He has a lot of trouble sleeping. There are a lot of things we often cannot do because he is just too tired.
He told me he made mistakes at his work because of being overtired.
He stayed up until four o‘clock in the morning with his buddy. I think this will make his insomnia worse. His buddy knows he has this sort of problem.

Also I think drinking in order to relax is not good. That’s basically self medicating.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 19/08/2019 05:57

You seem quite controlling
He's an adult, he can have a drink with his friend if he wants to

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 19/08/2019 06:07

I just think that it is not good for him because if him having ptsd (and maybe that he doesn’t make good choices also because of ptsd).

OP posts:
category12 · 19/08/2019 06:15

Foolish to have a go at him for drinking while he was drunk and with his mate. That was never going to end well.

When he's sober, you should try to persuade him to seek help with his PTSD if he has not.

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 19/08/2019 06:25

Fortunately he is seeking help for his ptsd. He is in therapy but he currently any .
He also doesn’t like to do things in order to relax, like meditating or mindfulness. He says it is for idiots. He only does progressive muscle relaxing which is similar to meditating (but only if I am there and watch the surroundings so to speak) in the evening and even found out it helped a lot but refuses to do that during the day. He works out but actually I do not think it is relaxing how he does it because he pushes pasts his limits.

He drinks a lot of coffee and energy drinks which make him more stressed.

I tried to discuss this with him several times, but he says I just do not get him 1) because I am a home maker and he works so I do not get how much responsibility he has and 2) because he is ex military and he is not so I do not get what that is like.

The buddy he was with is ex mil too, so both of the basically telling me I have no idea what this is like and he needs to drink in order to relax.

OP posts:
AngelasAshes · 19/08/2019 06:27

OP, I have PTSD and sorry but you have no idea what that does or what works.
I too have trouble sleeping, but it’s not something good sleep hygiene (going to bed early) can solve. When I cannot sleep or have disturbed sleep it is due to flashbacks and nightmares. When they are bad, I have to get up and stay up and distract myself until I can get the images put back in their box. I can’t just roll over and go back to sleep. Going to bed early makes no difference at all...flashbacks don’t care what time or night or dat, whether you are asleep or awake they come when they come.

Secondly, yes PTSD can increase someone’s chances of becoming alcohol dependent, but your husband is not exhibiting any signs of that. His weekly alcohol intake is below the NHS guidelines. I feel really sad for him that he was having a good night with a mate and you deliberately went down and killed the good feeling. It is very hard with PTSD to feel any positive emotions. Your obsession with not liking alcohol is hindering his recovery. He needs to be able to enjoy life like a regular person now and then. Maybe forget he has PTSD for a few hours now and then. But you heard him having a good night and then like a bucket of ice, confrontrd him and told him off,reminded him of his PTSD. No wonder he had a bad night the following day....you triggered his PTSD.

Dandelion1993 · 19/08/2019 06:28

You sound like a control freak op

AngelasAshes · 19/08/2019 06:37

Mindfulness and meditation were counter productive for me too. To practice it you have to try and quiet your mind and just be in the moment. But for me, I have everything behind mental walls or in mental boxes to partition things off so to speak. If I end up relaxing those walls and boxes then the PTSD demons run free. It is the opposite of helping.

Can your husband get into combat stress specific PTSD therapy? Because it is different from say PTSD because you were in a car accident.

Helpmedecide123 · 19/08/2019 06:38

I also suffer with PTSD and have been in treatment for 3 years. Agree with PP that you have no idea how PTSD manifests itself or how to deal with it. Poor bloke. He's having a bit of fun and you've been a complete killjoy.

If you don't like him for who he is then leave him and let him live his life.

PennysPocket · 19/08/2019 06:38

OP please stop trying to control him. You will make this worse.
PP is correct his insomnia is not because he does not go to bed early it is because of flashbacks/nightmares things he cannot control.

Try this website it may help you understand his PTSD better and offer you support.

www.theripplepond.org/

MrsKittyFane1 · 19/08/2019 06:41

I don't think many people understand PTSD.

'When PTSD is combined with drugs and alcohol, it can lead to a dual diagnosis scenario capable of devastating your life and the lives of everyone around you. We know that’s not something you want to see happen. For the sake of yourself and your loved ones, make that call to our helpline right away.'

www.uk-rehab.com/drug-alcohol-treatment-centres/ptsd-rehab.html

Mandatorymongoose · 19/08/2019 06:44

Did you try and discuss this with him several times while his friend was there? Honestly it sounds like you made what could have been a nice evening catching up with a friend incredibly stressful.

Maybe drinking isn't great for him, maybe he would feel better if he did some meditation, maybe he should eat more healthily, devote his time to study, do more charity work, whatever would make him be "better" to you. However, he's an adult entitled to do things just because he wants to sometimes, unless it had a regular negative impact on family life. In which case he could still choose to do it. You could choose to leave. One bad nights sleep probably isn't that.

Vasya · 19/08/2019 06:50

It sounds like on this occasion his drinking was negatively impacting you - it's not fair for them to be shouting in the night and waking you up, so I don't think you were unreasonable to ask them to stop.

Generally, it sounds like you have quite valid concerns that his drinking isn't helping his health, but it's not clear how much of that is because it is clearly harmful to him, rather than just the fact that you don't like drinking at all. If he is showing signs of alcohol dependency then I do understand your concern, and I think you should keep trying to talk to him about it.

Even if he isn't showing signs of dependency and he just wants to drink now and then, he shouldn't be doing it in a way which disrupts your sleep or disturbs you. You would not be unreasonable to request that in future when he drinks he keeps the noise down, or goes to a pub instead of drinking at home.

AngelasAshes · 19/08/2019 06:54

@MrsKittyFane1
You’ve posted an excerpt from a rehab website that is talking about people who are addicted to alcohol or drugs AND have PTSD. The OPs DH is not exhibiting any signs of alcohol abuse much less addiction.

It is fine for people with PTSD to drink alcohol within the NHS guidelines. She said he drinks 1-2 bottles of wine a week which is 8-16 units of alcohol which is well below the NHS guideline of 21 units per week for men. The OPs DH does not have an alcohol problem.

WhenWillItBeCold · 19/08/2019 06:55

Wow op you are getting a tough time here!

I'm with you on this one.

Alcohol solves nothing. I hate the stuff with a passion. Anyone who says it's acceptable to drink to relax, really need to find alternative measures.

Alcohol in the long run increases stress levels as does energy drinks/ caffeine.

The op is not being a killjoy she is simply having her husbands best interests as heart.

I wouldn't be happy if they woke me up and if it was still disturbing sleep the following night. How on earth can that be beneficial for his ptsd ?

I'm with you 100% on this one op!

AmIThough · 19/08/2019 07:33

He was drinking with his friend and you decided to start a row, in front of his friend, while he was in high spirits?

He's clearly has some tough times and you decide to kick him back into his box when he's having a happy, relaxed time?
OP I don't think you're helping him in any way, shape or form.

You don't like alcohol - you don't have to drink it. Don't try and control him though. Especially if he finds it helps.

It's not like he has a drinking problem.

Thingsdogetbetter · 19/08/2019 07:49

I'd be more concerned about the coffee and energy drinks keeping him awake!!

It seems like your hatred of alcohol is the main motivation here. Your concern about PTSD seems secondary. You have decided what he should and should not be doing for his PTSD and have tried to impose those decisions on him. Perhaps you need to accept he is an adult and can make his own choices, although some might not be great choices they are his to make. Would he be open to you going to see a specialist with him, and letting the specialist tell you would might be beneficial for him, rather than you deciding for him?

MrsKittyFane1 · 19/08/2019 08:07

AngelasAshes
People with PTSD are vulnerable to addiction. People self medicate.
He may not have a drink problem now but alcohol /drugs are lethal for those with MH disorders.

Skittlenommer · 19/08/2019 08:08

You’re being controlling and quite frankly probably a massive pain in the ass! He’s an adult who can make his own damn mind up.

And how humiliating that you called him out in front of his friend. I’d be mortified!

Original poster
Flyingfish2019 · 19/08/2019 08:43

I think I did not explain this very well. I did not suggest yoga&meditation. His therapist did and he tried it but did not like it. It makes him feel drowsy. She also suggested he should stop drinking coffee/energy drinks. Again, he tried, several times, but soon started drinking coffee/energy drinks again. Felt drowsy/bored without it.
His problem: he often feels sort of drowsy/bored/half asleep OR very stressed. Maybe symptom of his ptsd.

He doesn’t like feeling stressed very much but likes it better then feeling bored or drowsy.

Actually he fears feeling drowsy/bored.

He tried antidepressant medication but decided to quit because he felt drowsy/bored.

So he is not doing what’s good for him.

Typically when I discuss this with him there is nobody else there just me and him. This was different this time because I was so angry that the both of them shouted from the top of their lungs in the middle of the night waking me and I was afraid it would wake the children.

OP posts:
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