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Original poster

My husband won’t have sex with me!

26 replies

Lavender1993 · 19/08/2019 00:15

Ok so my husband and I have a great relationship but since having children our sex life has gone completely down the pan!

We have sex maybe once a month and whenever I’m in the mood it’s pretty much guaranteed that we won’t have sex! Our sex life is completely dependent on when he wants it which I just don’t think is fair or healthy.

I’ve tried going in for the kill and just thrown myself at him which resulted in him explaining that he finds it a turn off when a woman completely throws the self at him, as in he likes the initiation of sex to be natural and neutral (which I kind of get).

I’ve tried just telling him that I’m horny and that didn’t work, in fact it was just embarrassing and uncomfortable.

I have also tried having a chat with him and just explaining that I find out sex life stressful since I never get sex when I’m horny and his rejecting of my advances is making me feel disheartened. I asked him why he hardly seems to be in the mood and he just said that he’s always tired from working and helping out with the kids (he’s a very hands on father). I then asked if it was something to do with me and he looked confused and horrified and said that that was absolutely not the case. In fact the conversation seemed to just embarrass him which didn’t make me feel good.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s a great husband and a wonderful fAther but I feel I’m just desperate for affection, emotionally and physically. I just want him to want me. Not only does he seem disinterested in me sexually, but he ever compliments me ever.

Looking back, I guess he never really did compliment me much (he’s just not like that) but I always got male attention elsewhere (not that I ever acted on it). But I used to work in a big city for a big company and always recieved a certain amount of male attention. Now I live in the countryside with my children and I’m completely reliant on him for attention, physically and emotionally.

I know that it’s not realistic for us to be like we were in the honeymoon period of our relationship but it’s got to be better then this right?
I just want him to want me and find me attractive - any ideas people?????

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/08/2019 00:19

Our sex life is completely dependent on when he wants it
So is it that once a month he wants it and you want it too so it happens, or once a month he wants it and even if you don't, you're expected to go along with it?

Original poster
Lavender1993 · 19/08/2019 00:23

No he would never expect me to have sex if I didn’t want to.

However, I would say, if he tries it on with me and I’m not really in the mood, I do end up just going with it and trying to get in the mood because I just don’t know when’s he’s going to try it with me next which probably isn’t healthy right?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/08/2019 00:30

This is the problem. If he wants sex and you don't, you pretend to and go along with it. So you expect him to do the same. But you shouldn't be pretending to want to have sex or forcing yourself to have sex when you don't want to.

How would he feel if he knew you were just pretending to want sex?

So actually I think he's in the right in terms of honesty.

Has sex got less since the kids came along? How old are they? If you're both working full time and sitting the childcare, it isn't unusual for tiredness to be a libido killer, but if he's chronically tired a trip to the GP to rule out something medical might be a good idea.

Finally what's your intimacy like? Do you ever just hold hands or have a cuddle without you trying to instigate sex? If focus on that, the PG rated stuff and work on feeling closer to each other. And if you're feeling frustrated, sort yourself out.

Skittlenommer · 19/08/2019 00:37

There is no bigger passion killer than kids. They just tend to kill it stone dead.

Original poster
Lavender1993 · 19/08/2019 00:38

Yeh that’s a fair point re honestly. Hadn’t thought of it like that.

Our eldest is four and our youngest has just turned 1 and yes we both work, so I yeh his reasons for being tired are genuine.

And yes we are affectionate in terms of kissing and cuddling. He doesn’t compliment me really, but he’s not really one for words. He just isn’t.

I’ve often thought about rejecting sex from him when Im not in the mood as I’ve never rejected sex before. Perhaps i should play hard to get a little? But then again is that playing games?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/08/2019 00:40

I’ve often thought about rejecting sex from him when Im not in the mood as I’ve never rejected sex before
It's fine to say no I'm not in tbe mood tonight if you aren't.
Perhaps i should play hard to get a little? But then again is that playing games? this is different tho. Saying no when you want it to make him feel bad or try harder etc is back to the dishonesty.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/08/2019 00:48

It could just be a (huge) difference in libido. What was your sex life before you were married? You mention it 'not being like our honeymoon period, but is it a huge difference or a small one? Looking back, do you feel that you were the instigator the majority of the time during that period?

Could he be gay? I'd say a 'beard marriage' is rarer now since being gay is socially acceptable (in most places), but there are still people who, for their own reasons, decide to live 'in the closet'.

WorriedSENMum · 19/08/2019 00:54

Once a month would be great. Last time I had sex was on my birthday last year. 18 months ago. Hmm DH has a condition that makes him lose his sex drive. I'm not that bothered because I don't have much of a drive myself, but 18 months FFS! Hmm

Mintjulia · 19/08/2019 00:56

If your dh is tired (and with two pre-schoolers, that’s fair enough) can you do something about that?
Do you have family who would have the children overnight every couple of weeks so you can both have a lie in? Can you take on slightly more of the early morning or night stuff with the children so he gets more sleep? Is work particularly stressy at the moment? Stress is an total libido killer.

MajesticWhine · 19/08/2019 02:08

I don't much like his attitude that he wants to always initiate. That seems unfair. Do you need to be more subtle maybe? What is it about your approach that he doesn't like? I just think his attitude sucks. Why should you feel embarrassed for wanting sex? Surely in a long term relationship you don't just say no, but you try and meet your partners needs. That's how it works for me anyway. DP and I do not usually turn each other down, even if one of us is not in the mood. We would st least try to let the other get us into the mood.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/08/2019 08:04

I don't much like his attitude that he wants to always initiate

No, she says

he likes ^the^ initiation of sex to be natural and neutral
Not he likes to initiate sex

Iamblossom · 19/08/2019 08:21

It strikes me that you are very prepared to talk honestly and openly about how you are feeling with him (well done you many people seriously struggle to even broach the topic even with their own partner) and he shuts you down every time, or reacts in such a way that stops you in your tracks.

I think that is unfair on you and immature of him.

Open communication about a mismatch in sex drive in my opinion is a key to reaching a compromise you can both live with.

PicsInRed · 19/08/2019 08:28

Just the fact that he requires initiation to come from him makes him sound controlling.

Does his background indicate any hang ups around women and sex (e.g. religion)?

Was there any issue before marriage/children?

ItsOnAmericasTorturedBrow · 19/08/2019 08:34

If he will only have sex if he initiates it that's not natural and neutral - he's still in control. If you're not in the mood when that happens you must be honest and say you're not in the mood and like him, you don't want to do it unless you are in the mood. I know you could reach a stalemate as a result though. Perhaps explain flexibility needs to go both ways.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/08/2019 08:34

Now I live in the countryside with my children and I’m completely reliant on him for attention, physically and emotionally

That stands out. Have you ever been happy with just his attention, or did it always need "topping up" with the attention of men at work? It's difficult to tell whether the amount of attention and affection that you get from him has deteriorated a lot, or if it's naturally dropped because of the children and is just being magnified by the loss of the third party attention too.

Are you a SAHM now? Do you feel that's enough for you? Do you generally feel fulfilled?

SleepingStandingUp · 19/08/2019 08:36

Totally agree about hisack of communication.

But he says he likes the initiation of sex to be neutral and natural, not he likes to initiate sex so I took it to assume he means he'd rather it was a kiss and a cuddle that led to sex that one of them saying "right, let's go to bed and have sex now" which can feel a bit like performing in demand.

poglets · 19/08/2019 09:24

My DH says he likes things to be 'natural'. We don't have sex either. He doesn't want it.

Your post rings so many bells. It hasn't improved in 8 years. I am working out how to leave after exhaustive attempts to fix the problem that always come to nothing.

Either change needs to happen or you're not compatible. Don't get trapped.

Original poster
Lavender1993 · 19/08/2019 16:38

Thanks for all of your comments.

Regarding our sex lite before children - it was great! And he initiated sex just as much as I did and it was very much equal.

I wouldn’t describe him as controlling, it’s more just that he likes to start with a kiss and a cuddle that naturally leads to sex. He’s explained that a female throwing herself at him just isn’t his thing which I kind of get.

In terms of attention, he’s never been one for words. As I say I can’t remember the last time he complimented me so I don’t believe his attention toward has deteriorated in that sense, just sexually. And I think now that I hardly get any male attention elsewhere, now that I know longer go clubbing, bar Crawley or out ever really now that I have two young kids. I think that coupled with the lack of sexual interest had just left me feeling really low, like his completely disinterested in me.

Sometimes I even wonder if I’m actually horny or is my wanting sex just a way to get affection from him in the only way I know how. Since he never compliments my physical appearance which can’t be healthy?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/08/2019 20:45

It is possible it's in part your near to be reassured he still desires you rather than pure horniness.

I think just concentrate on the PG stuff for now so you're getting lots of cuddles and kisses and affection. You both work, young kids, tiredness and a drop in sex life is normal. And if you are getting lots of physical affection you might be less desperate to push for sex /he might feel unless less pressure and thus up for sex

Secondsight · 21/08/2019 09:32

I would disagree and say there's something seriously wrong here. Is it anything to do with being a mother, I know some men find it hard to see their partners as sexual sometimes after seeing the birthing process.
Does he masturbate alot on his own.
I just could not cope with this I would feel totally rejected and it would permeate all areas of my life.
I know sex drive can dwindle but it would be different if it had never been good.
Did you go through a period of rejecting him because you were too tired and stressed out and now he's given up?

SapatSea · 21/08/2019 10:56

Are you a SAHM in the countryside? Even if he agreed or even was the one who wanted you to be a SAHM is he starting to resent that or just seeing you as the "housekeeper"? I think as SAHM's we surrender a huge amount of independence, power and control to our OH's

Could you do a club/sport/activity at night or the weekend when he can look after DC so that you get to mix about a bit more? I think you have been very open with your DH and you have great insight into your situation (e.g. realising that the admiration fro others when in the city at work made up for the lack of compliments from your DH and that perhaps you want sex as a substitute ofr other ways in which you would like love and admiration to be shown).

What would you like him to do (re: compliments etc)? You could lay it our for him and see if he is willing to work with you. You are doing the right thing by raising your concerns with your DH even if he so far has not been very positively responsive.

Original poster
Lavender1993 · 26/08/2019 00:57

So I chatted to him about this and he said that he doesn’t masturbate that often, because he’s too tired, which is also his reason for not wanting sex.

I’m not a SAHM per se, but I have given up my career and only work part time in a dead end role that fits in with the school hours. My wages are pocket money and the kids are my responsibility, I organise everything (which btw I love and do not resent my husband for at all).

But yeh I guess it’s possible that the whole “mum” thing has turned him off me. We do bicker over the usual husband and wife crap - not Putting toilet seat down, washing up, laundry....etc which isn’t sexy! However, I don’t know that he would go as far as resenting me? Il ask him

In terms of what I want from him, I guess I just want him to be attracted to me. Which i know is a real first world problem but I just feel so desperate for attention constantly. I wish he complimented me and showed signs of wanting me sexually. I hear of women that have husbands that won’t leave them alone and I find myself getting jealous.

OP posts:
Secondsight · 26/08/2019 07:50

Maybe he's depressed?

Teacakeandalatte · 26/08/2019 07:57

Is he really so tired? If so could it be a medical condition of some kind.

PaterPower · 26/08/2019 09:12

Have you told him you need to hear him say he’s attracted to you? That you need to have him compliment you from time to time?

If he’s “never” been that communicative then he won’t realise you need that from him now unless you tell him you do.