My husband won’t have sex with me!

[Lavender1993]

Ok so my husband and I have a great relationship but since having children our sex life has gone completely down the pan!

We have sex maybe once a month and whenever I’m in the mood it’s pretty much guaranteed that we won’t have sex! Our sex life is completely dependent on when he wants it which I just don’t think is fair or healthy.

I’ve tried going in for the kill and just thrown myself at him which resulted in him explaining that he finds it a turn off when a woman completely throws the self at him, as in he likes the initiation of sex to be natural and neutral (which I kind of get).

I’ve tried just telling him that I’m horny and that didn’t work, in fact it was just embarrassing and uncomfortable.

I have also tried having a chat with him and just explaining that I find out sex life stressful since I never get sex when I’m horny and his rejecting of my advances is making me feel disheartened. I asked him why he hardly seems to be in the mood and he just said that he’s always tired from working and helping out with the kids (he’s a very hands on father). I then asked if it was something to do with me and he looked confused and horrified and said that that was absolutely not the case. In fact the conversation seemed to just embarrass him which didn’t make me feel good.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s a great husband and a wonderful fAther but I feel I’m just desperate for affection, emotionally and physically. I just want him to want me. Not only does he seem disinterested in me sexually, but he ever compliments me ever.

Looking back, I guess he never really did compliment me much (he’s just not like that) but I always got male attention elsewhere (not that I ever acted on it). But I used to work in a big city for a big company and always recieved a certain amount of male attention. Now I live in the countryside with my children and I’m completely reliant on him for attention, physically and emotionally.

I know that it’s not realistic for us to be like we were in the honeymoon period of our relationship but it’s got to be better then this right?
I just want him to want me and find me attractive - any ideas people?????

It's true that having young children can be a passion killer, you need to work at your sex life just as you need to work at other aspects of your relationship. It's very important that you are both satisfied sexually, sex is the glue in a relationship, I've been with my DW 30 years, married 27, and a strong sexual attraction is fundamental, I don't think we would have come through the bad times without it. Can you get away to a hotel for a night? Leave the kids with grandparents or relatives?

You have a right to ask for sex even if he doesn't want it, there will always be times when one partner wants it and the other doesn't but both sides need to be understanding of the needs of the other and that sometimes means satisfying your DP even if you are not particularly keen yourself. This will make the other person grateful and strengthen the relationship. Your DH needs to understand that.