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Original poster

Online dating profile - what should I think?

62 replies

PennyPitStop19 · 18/08/2019 20:15

My husband and I have been separated for over a year. We have been intimate once since he moved out. He has made passes at me since including attempts to sext. He said that he would never sleep with anyone else whilst still technically married to me. I have found out he has an online dating profile. What would you think?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 19/08/2019 08:48

How was Wales last week? You were looking forward and very excited about that?

LittleMy20 · 19/08/2019 08:56

Wales was really good but incredibly hard work so I’m exhausted. People were really nice there and the landscape was amazing. It’s just so hard doing it all alone and managing my son and then having stbx coming around feeling sorry for himself but not making any real efforts in terms of the kids or our relationship and then to make it about sex is so basic .

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/08/2019 10:27

You can manage both your children - why can't he? A lot of men get away with the 'oh, it's too difficult to have them both, they play me up' etc etc, yet, if he was still with you and you had to go somewhere, he'd have to manage, wouldn't he?

i get that you've got one with SN and they are lively etc, but he needs to step up, find somewhere to take them that isn't your house - soft play? Do you have a local SN group that he could go to?

He's using you right now. Using you to mind his kids and to have sex with. In what way is that different to being married to him?

LittleMy20 · 19/08/2019 10:44

Soft play is the ultimate nightmare with them both- my son running off and my husband is hardly athletic to chase him through small gaps in nets etc and him being in there alone with other kids is not ok as he’s unpredictable. My daughter will also want to go in and too small for main area and not ok alone in baby area. Son can’t go in baby area as pinched babies .

whattodowith · 19/08/2019 10:47

You have been separated for a year, he’s more than allowed to be on online dating sites and I’m guessing you are too hence finding him.

Just let it go, your marriage is over and he is allowed to sleep with other people as are you.

LittleMy20 · 19/08/2019 10:48

I can manage better than my husband because I’m much fitter, faster, I understand what he means when it sounds. Like gibberish and he’s going into meltdown . I am better able to predict both children. It’s a nightmare but I won’t risk their safety so that’s why I accept rid excuse because it Can get very dangerous pretty fast.

LittleMy20 · 19/08/2019 10:50

I don’t have a problem with him online dating! I have a problem with him claiming to not sleep with others when technically married and also sleeping with me! I’m not OLD- I hardly have time to shower- I saw his account because my daughter brought it up when watching cartoons on his phone.

MargoLovebutter · 19/08/2019 10:51

I've sort of been where you are, as I was left with a baby and a toddler and my toddler was autistic. It is really hard, but it feels like you are being very passive at the moment, probably because you are over-whelmed and depressed.

You need to get clear in your mind what you want here.

Do you want to reconcile with your husband? It sounds as though you are really undecided, if you have had sex with him since separating and you are aggrieved that he is on a dating website. If you do, then you and he need to try and take steps to do that and have a proper discussion with him about how that could happen or if he wants that to happen.

You need to get some kind of shared parenting in place. Can you have a conversation with your husband about this and if he is too pathetic a human being to do it by himself, can you ask him to rope in a grandparent or sibling to help him?

I think you should consider some counselling. You say you don't want a 25 year old or a 50 year old telling you what to do or not understanding what you are going through, but that's not how counselling works. A counsellor will just facilitate you to think about things yourself.

How did your separation come about?

AGenericUsername · 19/08/2019 10:55

Stop sleeping with him. You're making yourself an easy source of sex to tap into. He's dating other women and keeping you on the side too. When you see each other it should be about your DC and nothing more.

He doesn't want to reconcile. Shut off that tap!

Pinkmonkeybird · 19/08/2019 10:59

He's having his cake and eating it. Stop having any interaction with him and set up your own dating profile!

LittleMy20 · 19/08/2019 11:02

I can’t date as I get no time to myself and also I am completely off men after my relationships.

MargoLovebutter · 19/08/2019 11:04

I don't think you should date either - you're definitely not ready.

Why did the separation happen?

LittleMy20 · 19/08/2019 11:10

Because we argued all the time, he was shouty and sweary and I couldn’t bear it on top of daily life being incredibly difficult. He hardly lifted s finger to help me and was resentful when asked.

MargoLovebutter · 19/08/2019 11:14

Sounds just like my ex-husband, who was as difficult as he possibly could be about doing anything. He had an affair though, so it made it easy for me to kick his sorry arse out.

OK, so as other posters have said, he is now having his cake and eating it. You have effectively become a single parent, who he occasionally drops a bread crumb for by showing sexual interest in you.

I know you feel completely overwhelmed at the moment, but you have to get proactive here and sort things out for yourself. This is why I think some counselling might help, as you could start prioritising your own needs with the counsellor and see a way through the sea of shit you are floating in.

LittleMy20 · 19/08/2019 11:30

Thanks Margotlovebutter but there is NO way I can prioritise my own needs as I just get no time for anything. I can’t prioritise them and put the children at risk by letting him try to manage them alone and put them at risk and show that he can’t . I don’t have time for counselling unless it’s someone really good and that’s like a needle in a haystack. I feel desperate at the moment. I am even more exhausted after his visit. The kids have been cooped up because he can’t take them anywhere together. My daughter wants breastfeeding all the time and my son likes throwing things and throwing things out of windows and pouring water out etc etc and I’m just feeling pretty tortured as much as I adore them and now I feel disgusted and disgusting because I slept with him in the hope that it mattered. It’s pathetic I know.

MargoLovebutter · 19/08/2019 11:47

You are not pathetic, you are struggling alone and you have a co-parent who is not helping you.

Do you really think that your husband is incapable of looking after his own two children for any length of time - do you really, genuinely think that they would actually be at risk of harm with him?

If you genuinely don't think your husband and father of your two children is a competent parent, then you need to ask him to find some money so that you can have some childcare help. If he can't parent himself, then he needs to help you to do that somehow.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/08/2019 14:08

I think you sound very down and anxious, OP. I really do feel for you, but you HAVE to let your XH parent the children. I'm sure he won't let any harm come to them, yes, he might find it hard and it might drive him potty, but they are his children too. If he find it too hard to take them out alone, then he can rope in a a parent/friend/childminder to help.

You need the break. Your certainty that you are the only person who can manage them is part of the anxiety and that will get better once you can relax a little.

JinglingHellsBells · 19/08/2019 14:48

@littlemy20 You say your son has ASD- have you had a medical diagnosis of this? Are you getting access to professional support?

Counselling- a 25 yr old would not be allowed to train as counsellor in most cases- the entry level requires life experience.
A 50 yr old is likely to charge between £40-£50 an hour but you can find counsellors who are 95% qualified and doing the last part of their training who will charge a nominal fee, and you can also be referred via your GP for 6 sessions on the NHS. Just so you know.

Your ex HAS to step up and do his share of childcare. You need to plan this. He needs to have your children for at least a few hours, then a day then a weekend. You need to let go and allow him to learn to manage them. Most of the fear and the what-ifs are in your head.

And no, don't have sex with your ex. He's just using you. And he can use online sites- you are now separated.

Also, why would you daughter be accessing his phone where you saw his online dating stuff? He needs to have passwords on it and your DD ought not to be able to access adult stuff online. (Is this really true or were you really peeping?)

Myothernameistakenbysomeone · 19/08/2019 15:56

You sound unbelievably overwhelmed.
I apologise if my earlier reply sounded harsh.
Firstly, don't give him anymore sex. You do not want it and right now you certainly don't need it. It sounds like all your energy is focused on your children. It sounds like it's more hard work when he is around for the kids. Could you tell him, he either steps up and takes full responsibility and learns how to deal with your son and daughter together or don't bother at all. It's no good to you if it's harder work for all when he is around.
Maybe he'll realise then what it will take for him to be around his children effectively and positively.
Do you have any other family around who could help and give you a break?

PumpkinP · 19/08/2019 16:17

He’s probably just downloaded tinder and the child was playing on the phone and that’s how the op saw it. I wouldn’t exactly call it “adult stuff” it’s not like it’s porn.

category12 · 19/08/2019 16:26

Are there any ASD charities/services in your area you can get help from?

LittleMy20 · 19/08/2019 17:20

Yes my child has a diagnosis. No I have no family to help. I have done experience of counselling/ therapy and it’s never helped me so what I say is based on that.

LittleMy20 · 19/08/2019 17:23

I wasn’t snooping. My daughter was watching video in his phone and something happened and she was getting upset and I looked at it and saw a dating app-yes he’s entitled to it and no it’s not porn . It’s not about that it’s the fact that he is trying to maintain some sexual relationship and it is very damaging to me when I am feeling like this to feel that I am being used and that he is so hollow

LittleMy20 · 19/08/2019 17:24

My problems are not really due to the ASD though. I have been on early bird waiting list since the new year. No orherbgelp.

LittleMy20 · 19/08/2019 17:24

Feel pretty defeated today. Thinking very black thoughts. I have nothing to offer the children and I’m worthless.

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