Would you be annoyed if

[catspyjamas27]

You suspected your dp was wanking but rarely has sex with you because he says he has 'low libido?'

I've compromised in this relationship as my dp is amazing and we're very much in love. There's an age difference of 16 years. He has been open about his low libido which I've accepted and put my own needs to one side because I want to be with him.

But now I have a feeling he's seeing to himself so to speak and it's making me feel pretty shit. How can this low libido story be true if he has the urge to masturbate?

Have you caught him?

Yes I would !!

No I haven't caught him. I'm not even sure that it's happened. But I have suspicions and it seems very intrusive to ask outright 'have you had a wank' lol.

I can't moderate his activities and I get that masturbation and sex are two different things but I still feel quite upset

I would be fuming. I don’t have anything against masturbation but for me it’s an extra, l would rather have sex with partner and l like to think he feels the same

(^^ sorry posted this on wrong thread)

We live together. We've been together 4 years and are engaged. We are really happy together but it does feel like sexually we aren't that compatible. Please no LTB comments as it's not the be all and end all for me.

I posted something similar a few weeks back and was basically told that it's wrong to dictate someone's self pleasure (which I agree with) but when I'm not getting any due to alleged low libido it's pretty frustrating if it's what's happening

Yeah that would get to me. Why don't you speak to him about it? Gently and frankly

Sounds more like he's porn addicted than low libido.

Long term, I'm afraid these ones have a low improvement success rate.

If you want children, are you willing to conceive with IUI? Are you willing to be celibate for the rest of your life? Are you ready for him to potentially later try to turn it around and make it all your fault so he can feel like normal bloke?

I really don't know how to talk to him about it. He's always been quite candid about the low libido. I'm not even totally sure he has done anything and even if he has it feels horribly intrusive to quiz him about it.

I just feel like shit. He's not porn addicted - if he does do it then it's not often, he rarely gets the bloody chance!

I really don't know how to talk to him about it. He's always been quite candid about the low libido. I'm not even totally sure he has done anything and even if he has it feels horribly intrusive to quiz him about it.

I just feel like shit. He's not porn addicted - if he does do it then it's not often, he rarely gets the bloody chance!

Why can't you ask him if he's had a wank?

he rarely gets the bloody chance!

He has as much free time to watch porn as he has to masturbate.

Just ask him? I randomly ask DH if he is/has recently. We have a great relationship so there’s no difficulty with such conversations.

@PicsInRed I already have kids from a previous relationship and don't want anymore. And it's not celibacy, we probably dtd once a month which is less than I'd like but more than some people get. I've made my peace with the infrequency. He is a wonderful guy who is great for me and my kids.

But if he has been seeing to himself then it is a bit hurtful and makes me question the low libido story

Even if he has low libido he could make the effort to have sex even if not PIV as a compromise because relationships are about compromise.

Do you suspect he is just being lazy?

It doesn't sound like you have made your peace with this. That's no criticism - it wouldn't be enough for me and I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship - but are you sure that forever can look like this for you? Forever wishing you were having more sex, wondering if he's having a wank but not wanting to ask?

Once a month before marriage can very quickly become never once he 'has' you (marriage). Be wary of this, it's quite a common end-stage of such relationships. Good luck and think carefully. Don't allow your heart to overrule your head.

When I say made my peace I mean I've accepted the fact he has low libido (he's older than me, it happens) and I've compromised my own needs because I love him and wouldn't want him to feel pressured. And because it's not a deal breaker for me as it would be for some people because even though I enjoy sex it's not a major priority for me compared to other things.

But if the libido story isn't true and he's just lazy, inconsiderate or not attracted to me it makes me feel shit. I've asked him the question before and he's always reassured me that yes he finds me attractive and wishes he could please me more but sometimes his body can't catch up with his mind. I accepted that. Now I'm questioning things. I do just need to talk to him I guess

He doesn't need an erection for you still to have sex

No one would ever advise a woman just to have sex with her husband (even if she doesn't want to) because 'relationships are about compromise'. That's bollocks and he absolutely should not be having sex with you against his will.
You also don't really have the right to police his body so whether he masturbates or not is neither here nor there.

The problem is he doesn't want to have sex with you and you don't believe his story about low sex drive. Can you live with that?

Clearly I'm struggling with it @Viviene or I wouldn't have posted about it.

It would help if we could have an honest conversation about it. But then again I've tried before and even when he tells me it's low libido and he does find me attractive I end up questioning it.

Him wanking is not a red flag whereas your inability to start an honest conversation with him about it is! Just talk to him so he can explain himself, he's probably got a good reason.

E.g. this could be about me, I've told DH my second drive is low right now and I often turn down sex with him, & yet I will also sometimes masterbate when he's out.... It sounds unreasonable on the surface but the reason is that I'm breastfeeding and it leaves me "touched out" meaning I don't want sex with another person, I'd rather relieve myself in a quick 5 minute solo session instead!

I do make an effort to provide intimacy with DH though, and your DP should be doing the same! Talk to him about your needs!

I'm not a very sexually confident person. I never initiate sex (even less so in this relationship as I don't know want to put pressure on him if he doesn't want to or can't)

I also find it hard to talk about which I know sounds childish and silly considering this is a man I plan to marry.

But even if I ask the question is he really going to give an honest answer? If he really does just prefer to have a wank then be intimate with me I don't think he's likely to admit to it. It sounds stupid but I just wish I could read his mind and know for sure what's going on. If he can't or doesn't want it regularly, fine. If he does but just doesn't find me attractive or alluring in bed then it's not great