Would you be annoyed if

[catspyjamas27]

You suspected your dp was wanking but rarely has sex with you because he says he has 'low libido?'

I've compromised in this relationship as my dp is amazing and we're very much in love. There's an age difference of 16 years. He has been open about his low libido which I've accepted and put my own needs to one side because I want to be with him.

But now I have a feeling he's seeing to himself so to speak and it's making me feel pretty shit. How can this low libido story be true if he has the urge to masturbate?

But even if I ask the question is he really going to give an honest answer?

If you feel this way, should you really be marrying this man? It sounds like you have some issues you need to work through before you go ahead with any wedding.

@HundredMilesAnHour I don't say that because I mistrust him as such. I say it because I think most people would be reluctant to tell their partner that they prefer wanking to having sex with them. I think most would consider it a kind lie lol.

Regardless I do need to be able to communicate better with him.

A kind lie is still a lie though. And it's causing you a lot of worry so hardly kind in the end. You absolutely need to work on your communication, and that means both of you. You should be able to talk about anything and everything.

I would be very hesitant to go into this marriage. You're already compromising so much. I would be wary that he isn't being straight with you and you only find out the truth after you're married when he perceives that he 'has' you. Maybe that's a risk you're willing to take since you love him but when there are children involved, it's a different situation altogether. Take the time to work through these issues with him and it will either make your relationship stronger or you will come to the realisation that maybe this isn't the right man for you.

Are you okay with maybe being celibate for the rest of your life? You're not even married and you're already compromising on infrequent sex. That doesn't sound like a recipe for long term happiness. If you don't feel able to talk to him about it, can you try writing him a letter? You need to share how you're feeling so he gets the opportunity to either do some compromising himself (!) or you may realise that actually he's selfish, or he's just not into you physically. Better to know what you're dealing with so you can make an informed decision about your future.

@HundredMilesAnHour thank you I will give it some thought. As I said, the infrequency itself isn't that much of an issue. Yes I'd like it to be a bit more often but he has always been quite honest and open about his low sex drive. I've known this for a while and I've accepted it. I've had a lot of relationships - some of which included a lot more sex than I'm getting now! But I've genuinely never been happier in a relationship. This is the only bug bear and it's not the lack of sex, it's the concern that there's underlying issues that maybe I don't do it for him or maybe he prefers something else and feels he can't tell me.

I've spoke to him before and he reassures me time and time again that he loves and fancies me. He's extremely loving and tactile in everyday life. So maybe some of this is my own feelings of paranoia and inadequacy. I just have this feeling that there's something he's not telling me. The odd wank is no crime and I wouldn't chastise him for it but if it's a regular thing then it's upsetting to think there's more to it and maybe he prefers/prioritises that to a more physical relationship with me.

You're right, I do need to talk to him but I just really don't know where to begin :/

He's probably not lying. Low libido in men makes it harder to get an erection, maintain an erection, maintain arousal and reach orgasm in a timely manner. When a man has low libido masturbation is just a lot easier than regular sex, and even if they had sex instead of masturbating the sex would be pretty lackluster. I'm not defending him here, and I may be wrong. You need to talk to him to understand whats going on.

I married a guy who was secretly wanking whilst claiming a low sex drive. It broke me. I didn’t listen to my instincts because I didn’t trust my own judgement and just wanted stability and a family of my own.

@Scott72 I'm hoping it's something like this tbh. That would be easier to accept and understand. And I've discovered recently that he has viagra (he hasn't disclosed this to me but I found it while I was having a sort out) so it would make sense.

Where I live the taxi companies are all dbs checked. I used to work with services that arranged home to school transport for kids so there is ways of making sure they are.

Wrong post. Have reported it!

Think you are being very naive here op.

Everything you have said points to a porn addiction, unless you are by his side every second of the day, work, bathroom breaks, shower, etc, there is plenty of opportunity to watch porn and wank.

So many women are convinced their dp couldn't be wanking away to porn in favour of sex until they are shocked when they find out otherwise.

You are suspicious about something. My moneys on the porn.

How often have you had a low libido @scott?🤔

@Sodastream24 I'm not really sure what I've said that points to porn addiction - im not even sure he is wanking, I certainly haven't caught him in the act or found anything dodgy on his tech. So while I'm open to other people's suggestions and advice I'm not sure jumping to dramatic conclusions is helpful either. But yeah obviously i do feel they something is off or I wouldn't be feeling this way.

But yeah obviously i do feel they something is off or I wouldn't be feeling this way.

So my opinion is still valid....

@Sodastream24 well I guess so if that makes you happy but it's based on very little given that I have no evidence that he's even done anything. Only on MN could a niggling doubt with no proof immediately point to a porn addiction

Talking about porn use and how it relates to low libido, and how common "porn addiction" is and what it would even look like, are all really fraught issues here. Anyhow, he doesn't seem to like talking about sex at all. He even keeps his viagra use secret. He seems to have a lot of embarrassment or even shame around it. I'm not sure how you'd get him to be more open about it, or if thats even possible.

What has led you to think he's wanking? You say you have no proof, not sure etc so why do you think he is?

I’ve asked my DP if he wanks but I don’t really have any filter! I say I bet you do, that’s why you spend so long in the shower!
Maybe try and delve deeper into why he has a low libido? I must admit since having my son I don’t feel like anything sexy at all, very rarely and that’s including anything alone.
I also totally get what omega says, I have a toddler who practically wants to use me as a human climbing frame from 8am-8pm 7 days a week so when he goes to be I want my pjs and my own space not a man child slobbering all over me!

@catspyjamas27 Ok well when you eventually find out what he's been up, we'll see you back here then.

Small possibly insignificant things. I noticed after I'd been out yesterday the iPad had been moved so he'd been on it while i was out and history is regularly deleted and so on. It could mean nothing. I don't know.

I understand everyone regardless of relationship status deserves privacy. He doesn't have to bare his entire soul to me. I can sort of see why he didn't tell about the Viagra, i suspect he feels embarrassed and inadequate.

I just wish we could be a bit more open with one another.