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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone explain this strange behaviour or did I say something wrong?

40 replies

Leapoffaith00 · 18/08/2019 09:13

We went on a few dates and he messaged me every day. Pleasant and polite messages but he didn't ask much about me. I felt I was asking all the questions. He told me he told his friends he speaks differently about me and he has this vibe it's going to work out. I decided to ask how he knew as we didn't know much about eachother (he knew nothing about me) and how do we really know at such at early stage. I hinted, I was open for him to get to know me more. He explained, of course he would love to know more. He would talk alot about future plans (again still not really indulging in conversation or asking me much about me). Then he started to send messages like, he feels different with me, he can't wait to spend cosy evenings by the fire together, he would love to kiss/cuddle me right now.....send love heart emogi's.
I felt a little uncomfortable and eased off with the messages (not completely) as I can't message someone that way who I hardly know and isn't showing an interest in anything to do with me. I was thinking to myself, it's better in person, I will wait to meet up again.
Anyway he then mentioned I seemed a little distant. I then decided to mention how I felt as it's important to. So I explained - We all want to be asked about things that are important to us, when we are, we enjoy sharing that information and it draws us closer to that person who is interested in us. I just felt he didn't ask much. I explained I have asked lots about him and his work his children, family, likes etc. I then said it is better to spend time together and get to know eachother and the messages were maybe too much future planning. With this he messaged back saying 'I don't have an answer for that, I guess I didn't pick up on the cues to ask you questions about your new job or your family - I feel odd about it all now, hope you meet someone that pick up on those cues'.
He then instantly blocked me on WhatsApp and blocked me on Instagram.
I am in complete shock. What is that all about?

OP posts:
Ogham · 18/08/2019 09:25

Wow he seemed so intense (not a great thing) and then blocks you for expressing how you feel. Sounds like a lucky escape to me. I would avoid him like the plague if he contacts you again.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 18/08/2019 09:28

What a dick. He liked you because you were interested in him but went off in a huff when you suggested he should show more of interest in you for the relationship to deepen.

You're better off without him OP - can you imagine long term if you had to pull him up on something or you weren't happy about some aspect of the relationship - all relationships require that sometimes - and he stomped off in a huff. What an arse. You're well rid.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/08/2019 09:29

Well done! You’ve been honest and your expectations were absolutely right. He wasn’t interested in getting to know you or he would have asked. He was just interested into projecting an idea of what he wanted onto you.

And it’s not about reading cues, it’s about having the common sense and courtesy to get to know someone and show an interest Hmm He wasn’t the one for you OP!

LillithsFamiliar · 18/08/2019 09:31

He thought you'd be enticed with a fantasy future. When you made it clear you'd rather have a real basis for a relationship, he fled. You've had a lucky escape.

PennyGold · 18/08/2019 09:32

I agree with @AtrociousCircumstance
What a crazy face.. at least you found out early and haven't wasted even more time!

category12 · 18/08/2019 09:32

He was trying to rush you into false intimacy - he wasn't genuinely interested in you as a person, but either quick into bed or malleable fantasy girlfriend who just reflects him.

You quite rightly called him out on it and he realised he's not going to get that, so is now looking elsewhere for an easier mark.

Nothing to reproach yourself for, and you have not missed out.

nearlynermal · 18/08/2019 09:33

Maybe women do this too, but I've seen situations where the guy is ready to move onto the next step in his life, has a mental image of the woman he wants and then tries to bung you into that job description without knowing who you are. So basically they start super keen and then the better they get to know you the more disappointed they get. Hmm

Mammajay · 18/08/2019 09:34

Objectively, he sounds like a chancer and was playing you. Find someone better.

Mammajay · 18/08/2019 09:35

Category says what I think very well

Dieu · 18/08/2019 09:36

Good on you for calling him out on this! Star
He sounds like a self-absorbed arse, and you're definitely well shot of him.
To me, it sounds like he wanted a partner, and anyone would do. Sure, he likes to think he's really discerning, but that's bullshit.
And he didn't take an interest in your life because it was all about him, and his wonts and needs.

WalkofShame · 18/08/2019 09:37

What a dick. He liked you because you were interested in him but went off in a huff when you suggested he should show more of interest in you for the relationship to deepen

Spot on. You’re well rid.

NameChangeNugget · 18/08/2019 09:38

He wanted sex and that’s it but, you saw through the bullshit.

Well done. What an absolute tool

Fonduefrolics · 18/08/2019 09:40

You did nothing wrong, it’s him not you.

He’s given you a wonderful gift in blocking you, silently thank him and move on.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 18/08/2019 09:40

He’s a knob.

That’s a technical term. Grin

You dodged a bullet with that one. You were honest, and he couldn’t deal with it. The correct answer to what you sent would’ve been - ‘God, I’m so sorry, Leap, I didn’t realise I wasn’t asking you those things. Of course it’s important. Let’s start again’.

But he didn’t, he ran away.

Takemebacktolondon · 18/08/2019 09:42

I think you are right. He liked the idea of the cosy parts of a relationship but it sounds like it didn’t matter who it was with.

He didn’t need to pick up ‘cues.’ He just needed to show interest in you as a person. I bet he is as self-absorbed with everyone in his life.

Linseedlill · 18/08/2019 09:43

Bluntly, he was interested in sex and not interested in you as a person. He was hoping you would fall for it, but you didn't. You are well shot of him! What a silly arse he is, so very shallow and so insulting of your intelligence! A lucky escape I think! Don't waste another thought on him op Flowers

TinyTempahh · 18/08/2019 09:52

So if it wasn't all about him then he wasn't interested. Just after sex by the sound of things.

yellowallpaper · 18/08/2019 09:54

I think you dodged that bullet!

yellowallpaper · 18/08/2019 09:56

I agree he just wanted sex and wasn't interested in anything else. I had a bf once who said to me (after saying he was in love with me on second date, and clearly didn't know me) all men say things like that (promising marriage, love etc) to get their leg over. The shit.

crappyday2018 · 18/08/2019 10:28

OP I have just ended things with someone similar. I'm pretty sure he was a narcissist. He would also send messages about kissing and cuddling and wishing he was with me etc etc. But, he never used to ask me meaningful stuff about my family, job or kids! When we were together he would mainly talk about music (his passion) or just general stuff.

Men like this are just looking to hook a woman who fits their fantasy, but being narcs means they're not really interested in them as people!

YOu definitely dodged a bullet and I wish I had had the sense to do what you did early on - well done!

JK1773 · 18/08/2019 10:29

Sounds to me like a defensive tantrum when you have rightly pointed out that a successful relationship is built on mutual respect, shared values and interests, none of which he could possibly know without finding out about you first. What a dick. He’d be like this every time you called him out on anything by the sounds of it

crappyday2018 · 18/08/2019 10:31

For what its worth, I'm not sure he just wanted sex. Read up on narcissism:
www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist

TheStoic · 18/08/2019 10:38

He needs a cue to remember to ask other people about themselves?

God, how boring he sounds.

Original poster
Leapoffaith00 · 18/08/2019 10:39

Thanks everyone :)
I feel so much better, I was feeling a little confused by it all. So much you have all said has made sense.
Every date I was having this strange unknown feeling of something is off but couldn't put my finger on it. It's exactly what you have all said.
I couldn't believe how he instantly blocked me within minutes. It made me feel a bit rubbish. His behaviour definitely reflects his personality I guess.
Dating is so hard. Will I ever know what genuine behaviour actually looks like?!

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2019 10:42

I think you're doing pretty well OP. You recognised something wasn't right early on and did something about it! I wish I had done the same.

Sadly there are a lot of men (and women) with serious issues so its good to be aware of what makes us feel weird. Always trust your instincts!