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Original poster

Husband using cam websites

41 replies

Birch93 · 17/08/2019 22:10

I'm so confused...

On Monday I found out (by opening my husbands bank statement, after he told me he had no money left), that my husband has been using 'cam girl' services online for the past 8 months.

He's been waiting until I go to work nights and has been webcamming with these girls, performing sex acts on himself whilst telling them what to do to themselves. He's been paying them for this, not just once or twice but £400+ a month worth! He's spent over £4000 of our money on this!

I am absolutely devastated. We have a one year old together and I don't know what to do.

I feel like this is cheating and not only that but it's a really malicious way of doing it 😔. It's left me feeling so insecure and betrayed. I had no idea that anything was going on and feel like I've been taken for a fool.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2019 22:15

That would be it for me, op. Out he would go, no discussion needed. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's fucking horrible and it's definitely cheating in my book.

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 22:15

I'd see it as cheating too, 100%.

No doubt he'll say it isn't - however if you did it with/for another man; I somehow think he'd see it as cheating too. He won't admit that of course.

As you say it's not only cheating but a disgraceful waste/use if your family money.

You only have one child with him, it could be worse. Maybe time to discretely look into your options and how you'd manage of you split.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's shit.

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 22:16

*if

Original poster
Birch93 · 17/08/2019 22:18

He's admitted that it's cheating and is doing all the 'right things' to try and make it up but I feel like that's messing with my head even more. I've made him move out and need to start looking at my options. Stupidly up until recently I've been financially dependent on him, this has slowly started to change but more is definitely needed. We live in a house that he bought before meeting me, that is in his name. Feel so stuck.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 17/08/2019 22:20

It would be cheating if it wasn't for money, so it's actually worse.

It's cheating AND exploitation of vulnerable women #career choice #they love what they do #empowering ... MY FUCKING ARSE.

He's got to go.

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 22:24

But if you're married you're entitled to your share whether he bought it before you moved in or not, I believe.

With cm, benefits, work etc you may be able to manage - time for thorough research into what you'd get.

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 22:26

I bought a house long before I got married and I was told my husband would be likely to get at least 25% of any equity if we divorced, for example.

Original poster
Birch93 · 17/08/2019 22:27

Oh! I didn't know that, thank you!

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 22:29

I'm in NI, by the way. If you're in England, Scotland of Wales please check with a solicitor there. But I doubt it's going to be radically different elsewhere.

Summersunshine2 · 17/08/2019 22:31

Sorry to hear this, it's awful. It doesn't matter if you call it cheating or not. It crosses the line of unacceptable behaviour.
Just always remember it's ALL on him.
Good luck.

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 22:31

You can try to get a solicitor who'll give you a first free advice session, but I don't how many do that. There may be some.

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 22:34

And get one who does a good bit of divorce/family law.

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 22:37

Women's aid might be able to help/advise you. You may not be a victim of abuse, but you do feel stuck, with your child, dependant on a man who's mistreating you and who you understandably want to get away from.

Bob42 · 17/08/2019 22:40

Poor you, I would definitely be kicking him out after that. The thought of my husband doing anything like that sends me sick to my stomach. Don’t worry about the house/money etc, you need to do what’s right for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2019 22:56

You're married, op. The house belongs to you, too. You need to speak to a solicitor as soon as possible so you're fully informed of your rights and options.

Elieza · 17/08/2019 23:24

I agree with getting legal advice. Best way forward is to be informed.
Then you can decide what to do.
I’d feel cheated on and I wouldn’t be up for having him back but it’s up to you. Defo separate bank accounts for the bills though. Just so he doesn’t go over the score and spend the council tax money or the leccy money or something and direct debits start to bounce...

user1479305498 · 17/08/2019 23:53

I would be divorcing for this once,and for free, (not that it’s likeky to be) never mind months worth of it

Skittlenommer · 18/08/2019 02:09

I don’t see this as cheating at all but each relationship has its own boundaries! I wouldn’t mind if my DH used cam girls or whatever but I would have an issue with him paying for it if it was joint money!

Mileysmiley · 18/08/2019 02:19

These websites must see men like your husband coming a mile off (lol) They are designed to suck in men and take their money. Once a man becomes addicted to porn they really don't want a relationship with a real woman. Sorry to be so blunt OP but I have known a man like this and his wife ended up divorcing him because she couldn't trust him. He was also visiting lap dancing bars and prostitutes ... I knew him through work and was amazed how she put up with it all for so long.

DrCoconut · 18/08/2019 03:01

If you forgive him he will 100% do it again. It's a form of addiction and they can't/won't stop unless they utterly hit rock bottom which won't happen until you say no more, and maybe not even then. I'm not saying you're responsible for his behaviour at all but the psychology of it seems to be that if you don't end the relationship it's a green light to carry on with the behaviour. I have 2 exes with addiction issues, one to alcohol the other to porn, cams etc.

StillAgony · 18/08/2019 12:03

We all have our own levels of what is acceptable. I was in an LDR - years ago he was part of the swinging scene, but swore blind he wanted to be exclusive, but 9mths in he was contacting a previous swinging partner and emailing women on dating sites.
I chose to forgive, he promised he'd be totally honest about everything (all the usual crap)
This week after finding out about a couple of other lies he's told, I also discovered a web page for a prostitute in his local area saved in his 'favourites'
I will be collecting all my stuff from his on Tuesday.
I know I dont have any children or finances will this man, so ending things is relatively easy, but it seems theres a lot of truth in what people say about forgiveness, and that it's just seen as a green light to carry on with their behaviour..

Splendidsun · 18/08/2019 13:22

Hi Birch, so sorry you are going through this. What reasons did he give for this behaviour. Also how are you feeling today?

Alfiemoon1 · 18/08/2019 15:40

To me it’s cheating and the fact he spent family money doing it would definitely be a deal breaker for me hope you are ok op

Original poster
Birch93 · 18/08/2019 19:14

I will be getting a divorce, his behaviour and the behaviour from his family today (won't go into detail but it got very intense and lots of lies), has solidified it all for me. I am 100% in my decision but god this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Lots of years today from me and my son, just want to do what's best for him. Off to citizens advice tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birch93 · 18/08/2019 19:15

*lots of tears

OP posts:
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